


Strength

by DatHeetJoella



Category: Free!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Developing Relationship, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Haruka's POV, Hurt/Comfort, Introspection, M/M, Mentions of Blood, Possible Character Death, Sick Fic, Sick!Makoto, more to be added later - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-11
Updated: 2017-05-27
Packaged: 2018-04-08 20:45:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 62,611
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4320012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DatHeetJoella/pseuds/DatHeetJoella
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Four words. Four little words. Four words that should never be in a sentence together. Those four words were all it took for Haruka's world to crumble.</p><p>This couldn't be true. Surely his ears had betrayed him. He waited for Makoto to smile and say ''just kidding!'' but it didn't happen. Of course it didn't happen. Who would joke about something like this? But at that moment, Haruka would've done anything to make those words a lie.</p><p> </p><p>When Makoto gets sick, Haruka feels the need upon himself to become his strength.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> First of all, I would like to apologise. This fic features an illnes and I clearly am not an expert on it. I did and am still doing my research, both in my native language as in English. But I just wanted to apologise beforehand if there are any things inside this fic that are inaccurate or are not completely realistic. I do want to focus more on the MakoHaru rather than on the actual illness, even if the illness plays a big part.
> 
> Second, I'd like to apologise again, if there are any mistakes in general, because as I mentioned before, English is not my first language.
> 
> TW: Blood
> 
> Other than that, I hope you enjoy!

They were in their first year of high school when Haruka first noticed something was off about Makoto.

 

It was a Saturday morning around the end of September and Makoto had slept over at Haruka's.

Haruka had woken up first and when he stepped out of his bed, he saw that Makoto was still asleep, which wasn't that odd. The thing was that he was covered in sweat. That on its own wasn't that special either, considering that it was still fairly warm outside and the fact that Makoto was a teenage boy. It was the amount of sweat that Haruka found to be weird. His best friend was drenched - his shirt sticking to his body in all the right ways - and so was the futon underneath him. He was quivering, but when Haruka touched his forehead, he didn't feel particularly warm.

He decided to wake Makoto up, because he looked very uncomfortable, and he was secretly worried that Makoto might get sick if he let him be.

"Makoto," he called, but Makoto was unresponsive.

He gently placed his hand on Makoto's shoulder, sparks shooting through his own arm from the contact, and he softly shook.

Makoto's eyes fluttered open and he looked up at Haruka, an expression of confusion on his face.

"Haru?" he questioned as he sat up, rubbing his eyes with his fists. He blinked a few times, before resuming his rubbing, as if his eyes just wouldn't focus.

"You're drenched."

"Huh?" Makoto looked bewilderedly around himself. "Uwah! You're right. I'm so sorry!"

"It's okay."

"No it's not. The futon's all wet!"

"Makoto. It's fine."

"If you say so," sighed Makoto. He got up as well, only to topple over almost immediately, if it wasn't for Haruka's hand on his arm keeping him from colliding with the floor. "Woah!"

"Are you okay?"

"Hm? Yeah, I'm fine," Makoto brushed off as he regained his balance, his eyes saying ' _don't worry_ '.

Haruka let go of Makoto's bicep. Makoto had grown a lot in the past few months. Not only had he become taller, but broader and more muscular as well. That fact was kind of like a double-edged sword to Haruka. He was the older one, so he should be the bigger one, he thought. How could he possibly protect Makoto when the other was much bigger than him? But at the same time, he really liked the way Makoto's body had become. He looked more mature now, handsome rather than cute, though he was still the same at heart. Sometimes he wondered if Makoto's body wasn't too large for his soft-spoken personality, but it wasn't as if he could help it, so he just tried to enjoy it as he could; admiring from afar.

Makoto had always been clumsy, but lately it seemed to be even worse than before. Haruka figured it was because he wasn't used to the size of his body yet, so he didn't mention it.

They went to brush their teeth together in the bathroom.

Haruka was lazily brushing his teeth when Makoto spat a bit of toothpaste in the sink. When Haruka went to the sink to rinse out his mouth, he saw that the toothpaste wasn't as white as it should have been. Instead it was mixed with what could only be blood.

He turned to Makoto with a questioning look.

When Makoto looked back at him and saw what he was silently pointing out, he turned on the faucet, as if erasing the evidence meant that it hadn't happened in the first place. He quickly rinsed out his mouth before turning the tap off again, putting away his toothbrush as he wiped at his mouth.

"Are you sure you're alright?" Haruka inquired, his voice muffled around his toothbrush.

"Yeah, I'm fine, really!" he insisted. "I probably just brushed too hard."

Haruka shrugged inwardly and he went to rinse his own mouth from the toothpaste. If Makoto said he was fine, then he shouldn't worry so much about it. It's not like he had much to worry about in the first place, so he let it slide.

"Take a shower. I'll put away the futon."

"I'll help you."

"Makoto." Haruka shot him a look that let him know there was no room for argument.

Makoto sighed and put his hands up in surrender. "Alright, alright. I'll go take a shower."

After Haruka threw the futon with the rest of the laundry he still had to do, he went downstairs to make the both of them breakfast. He was setting the table when Makoto joined him again, a towel wrapped around his neck.

"Sit down. It's almost done," Haruka told him and Makoto silently obeyed his command.

Haruka served breakfast, that surprisingly consisted mainly of mackerel, and they quietly began to eat together. Well, Haruka began to eat. Makoto was just picking at his food, pushing it from side to side on his plate, never actually taking a bite.

Haruka noticed this, of course, and he narrowed his eyes.

"You don't have to eat it."

"Huh?" Makoto looked up from his plate and he saw the offended look in Haruka's eyes. "No, I'll eat it," he said, trying not to be ungrateful and he took a big bite.

Haruka frowned when he saw how much effort it took for Makoto to chew and he practically had to force the food down his throat. Maybe Makoto really had enough from eating mackerel so regularly, even if it was hard for Haruka to imagine anyone could grow tired from his favourite fish.

"You don't have to force yourself."

"I'm not forcing myself, really! I want to eat it."

He rolled his eyes at Makoto's obvious lie and he resumed eating without another word. If there was something wrong, then Makoto would tell him himself, it wasn't Haruka's job to pry it out of him. He could be having just an off day, so Haruka decided to drop it for now.

The rest of the day continued without any other incidents, and therefore Haruka forgot about all of his previous worries. That was until they resurfaced the following Wednesday.

* * *

 

Their last period of the day was PE and they were changing in the boys' locker room. Haruka was pulling his shirt over his head when he heard one of the other boys heading over to them. Makoto had just taken off his own shirt and that fact gathered the attention of their classmate.

"Yo, Tachibana! Those are some sick bruises," the boy remarked and he pointed at Makoto's bare upper body. "Did you get into a fight or something?"

"Ehh?" Makoto twisted his neck, trying to look at his own chest, back, shoulders and arms.

The comment of the boy hadn't gone unnoticed by the other boys, including Haruka, and some of them moved closer to Makoto.

"Who did you beat up?"

"I never thought you were the type to get into fights, Tachibana!"

"You did win, right?"

Makoto was shaking his hands in front of his body frantically, as if he was trying to defend himself from the guys that were bombarding him with questions and witty comments.

Haruka didn't say anything, but he caught every word that was said. Now that Makoto was turned away from him, he could see what the boy was talking about. Makoto's back was littered in bruises, the purple and blue spots standing out on his pale skin. When had Makoto's skin become this pale? He used to have a bit of a tan, but now he was even paler than Haruka. The fact that his skin was so pale only made the contrast of the marks on his back bigger.

Makoto couldn't have gotten into a fight. Haruka knew this for sure. There was no way in hell that Tachibana Makoto had intentionally physically harmed someone. Makoto wouldn't even hurt a fly. He was too nice, too kind to even think about it. And even if this wasn't a known fact, Makoto still couldn't have fought anyone. He had been with Haruka the entire time, and surely Haruka would've noticed if Makoto suddenly beat someone up or vice versa.

Then again, who would even want to fight Makoto? Everyone that knew him was fond of him, guys and girls alike, because it was kind of hard not to, Haruka guessed. Makoto just had this kind and approachable aura, and once you've seen the gentle smiles that make his eyes crinkle at the corners, you were sold for sure. Heck, Haruka doubted that hating Tachibana Makoto was even possible. One look into his forest green eyes and you were immediately drawn in. At least, that's what Haruka thought that happened. He wouldn't know himself, since he'd known him for practically all his life. In every memory of his childhood, Makoto was there some way or another, considering they'd known each other from birth. Makoto's, that is. But Haruka still thought he knew what it was like, because every time he caught a glimpse of the other's sparkling orbs, he was drawn in all over again.

But even if you were not enchanted by Makoto, anyone with a grain of common sense would think twice about picking a fight with a giant like him. Though his face was all sunshine and rainbows, his body looked a little more intimidating. Not that Haruka was complaining, but his thought were getting a little off topic.

"I-I didn't get into a fight!" Makoto stuttered, trying to stop his peers from interrogating him even further. He quickly pulled his shirt on, already embarrassed because everyone had been staring at him.

"Really? That's a shame."

"Really!" Makoto looked over at Haruka for help, but Haruka only shot him a look that said ' _wait until everyone's gone_ '.

The guys that had been surrounding them walked back to finish changing and Makoto let out a sigh of relief, glad that everyone had stopped questioning him. Though he should have known it was a sigh a little too early.

Once they were alone, Haruka turned to him with a questioning look on his face, his eyes saying ' _explain_ '.

"Haru..." Makoto started, an unsure expression painting his features. "Haru, I don't know where I got these bruises. Honestly."

Haruka searched Makoto for any sign that indicated he was lying, but he found none; Makoto was telling him the truth.

"Are you sure?" he asked either way, just because he needed the confirmation.

"Yeah, really! I'm fine, so don't worry!" Makoto smiled at him like he wanted to reassure him.

"If you say so..." Haruka shrugged as he turned around, leaving the locker room to go to the gymnasium. Makoto followed him quickly, not wanting to be left behind.

 

Their PE teacher assigned them to play soccer and unfortunately, Haruka and Makoto were on opposite teams. Haruka's team decided that he had to be the keeper, and honestly Haruka couldn't care any less about the game.

He was actually kind of glad with his position, since he didn't have to run - which was too much effort - and he could freely watch Makoto as he played. Partly, he watched Makoto because he wanted to, but he was also kind of concerned about his friend. It's not that he didn't trust Makoto when he said he was fine, but he had been acting really strange these past few days; the incident in the locker room had reminded him of what happened last Saturday. That, and Makoto had a habit of brushing off concerns about him, as he didn't want anyone to worry about him. Therefore he kept a close eye on Makoto during the entire game.

At first, everything seemed fine. Makoto was actively playing along, as he always did. Makoto liked playing sports and he was generally good at them, too. He also felt the need to do his very best for everything he did, sports, studies, and other things alike. Nothing out of the ordinary.

But after just a few minutes of watching Makoto run after the ball, Haruka noticed Makoto just couldn't keep up. He was looking even paler than before and he was panting lightly already.

Worry continued building up in Haruka's being the more he saw Makoto struggle. By then he was completely out of breath, yet he still tried to push himself, seemingly not wanting to stop.

Even if Haruka had wanted to, he wasn't able to pay attention to the game any longer. He had an uncomfortable feeling that was gnawing at his being, eating him slowly from the inside as he watched Makoto. It felt as if he was watching a train wreck, though he didn't exactly know why.

And then, he saw something flying past his face, and when he heard cheering, he realised it had been the ball, and that the other team just scored. His own team was a bit less ecstatic.

"Nanase, what the hell?!"

"Nice going, dude! Pay attention!"

But all of his teammates' curses went unnoticed by Haruka, as he watched Makoto with his hands on his knees, hunched over as he panted harshly, looking like was ready to pass out any minute.

Haruka ignored his teammates' protests and went over to Makoto. The closer he got to him, the worse he seemed to be. Sweat coated his forehead and he wobbled on his legs, looking questioningly up at Haruka.

"Haru?" he asked as he straightened his back, standing up again, but that only made him less stable. Instinctively, Haruka reached out to hold Makoto.

"Are you okay?" It felt as if he had asked this for a million times these past few hours. "Do you need to go to the nurse's office?"

"Yeah, I'm... just," Makoto breathed, his chest heaving with every syllable, "Let me sit down for a second."

Haruka kept a hold on Makoto's arm as he guided him out of the gymnasium, signing their teacher that they were leaving for a bit.

They went back to the locker room and he sat Makoto down on one of the benches as he walked to his bag. He fished a towel and a bottle of water out of it before returning to his best friend's side, handing him the items. Makoto let out a small 'thank you' before taking a big gulp from the bottle. Haruka plopped down beside him, feeling a bit of relief that Makoto was sitting safely by his side.

"Sorry, Haru," Makoto sighed as he twisted the cap back on the bottle, wiping his face with the towel Haruka provided. "I'm just a little tired, I guess. Sorry to bother you."

"It's fine," Haruka said as he gave Makoto a once-over. "Did you eat enough today?"

"I wasn't really hungry."

Haruka looked back at Makoto, eyeing him sceptically. Instantly, Makoto realised his slip up and waved his hands frantically in front of his body.

"I did eat! I'm fine, I just wasn't hungry!"

Haruka averted his eyes. It's not that he didn't want to believe Makoto, but it was just hard to imagine him not having an appetite. Even as a child Makoto had always been a big eater, but ever since he hit puberty it had become worse. It's not odd, for a tall, muscular guy to eat that much, but the fact that he now claimed to have lost his appetite made Haruka feel a bit weird.

Now, he didn't think Makoto was doing this on purpose. Though he knew Makoto tended to be a bit insecure, he didn't believe Makoto would actually skip meals to feel better about himself, especially when he clearly wasn't feeling any better. It couldn't hurt to ask, though.

"You're not, like..." He didn't need to finish his sentence for Makoto to know what he was implying.

"What? No, Haru, no! No, it's not like that! It's nothing like that at all! I promise!" Makoto quickly rambled, waving his hands in front of him again.

Though the fact that Makoto's response was nothing short of distressed, Haruka knew he was telling the truth. It's not like he expected anything else.

"Okay. I believe you."

Makoto released a shaky breath and he slumped backwards against the wall, obviously relieved his best friend believed him. He took another sip of the water while Haruka peered at the clock that hung on the wall.

"We still have about half an hour of PE left. I'll go tell the teacher we're leaving early, so get changed," he stated as he got up and walked into the direction of the door.

"Haru, wait! I'm fine, there's no need for you to-"

Haruka shot him a look that made Makoto cease speaking mid-sentence.

"Okay."

After Haruka told their teacher and they both got changed, he escorted Makoto home. Makoto was still wobbling slightly on his legs with every step he took, but as always he insisted that he was fine. Haruka was still worried that he would actually lose consciousness on their way, but luckily that didn't happen.

 

There was nobody home when they reached the Tachibana residence and Haruka guided Makoto upstairs, straight to his bedroom. Makoto lost consciousness the minute his head hit the pillow, and Haruka was glad they even made it to his house. He grabbed the chair that stood before Makoto's desk and pulled it closer to the bed, sitting down as he grazed his eyes over his best friend's sleeping form.

He wanted to reach out and hold Makoto's hand, so he tentatively brushed his fingers over Makoto's knuckles. He quickly retreated his hand when he felt Makoto stir, in fear of being caught and waking Makoto from his slumber. He sat back, his hands folded in his lap so he wouldn't be tempted again.

Haruka stayed by Makoto's side for the rest of the afternoon, too worried to leave him alone in this state, but also because he felt the need to be there for Makoto. The other didn't wake the entire time Haruka was there, and Haruka only left after Makoto's family returned home. He simply explained that Makoto was resting because he wasn't feeling well, but it felt as if he was lying, even though he wasn't really. Perhaps it wasn't the whole truth, but Haruka couldn't bring himself to voice his worries and concerns to Makoto's family.

 

Makoto did show up the next morning, pulling him out of his bathtub with the usual outstretched hand and "good morning, Haru-chan", though his smile wasn't the same. Haruka didn't actually know why his smile felt different, because surely it looked the same as it always did. There was just something about it that made him feel like it took Makoto a lot of effort to actually curve the corners of his mouth upwards.

Haruka accepted the offered hand as he always did, together with his chant of "drop the -chan", but when he was pulled upwards, it wasn't as usual, as if Makoto didn't have even an ounce of the strength he usually had.

He got out of the tub without commenting on it, though, and continued with his morning routine. It didn't go as it usually did, though. The minute he put on his apron to make breakfast and lunch, Makoto was supposed to scold him like he did every morning, telling him he should hurry, that he shouldn't wear his apron over his swimsuit, to eat something else than mackerel for once, that they were going to be late. None of that happened, and it felt weird to Haruka.

When he returned to his living room, he saw Makoto sitting at the table. He looked as if he was drowning in fatigue. Haruka knew that Makoto wasn't a morning person, but he never looked this bad either.

"If you're not feeling well, then you shouldn't go to school today."

Makoto looked up at him, blinking rapidly as if to wake himself from his hazy state, before attempting a weak smile.

"It's okay. I'm fine."

Haruka rolled his eyes inwardly and sighed, turning to walk into the kitchen. If Makoto wasn't going to be honest with him, then that was his own decision. Haruka wasn't his mother, and Makoto was old enough to know what was best for him. It wasn't Haruka's job to worry about him, so he wasn't going to anymore.

At least, that was what Haruka initially told himself.

 

After that, it was as if Makoto was even worse off every second. His skin was even paler than before, he was constantly out of breath, and he looked more fatigued than he ever had. Yet, Haruka still didn't say anything more about it, stubborn as he was.

Until Makoto finally reached his limit the next Saturday evening.

* * *

 

Makoto and Haruka were at the former's house, playing video games in his room as they had every Saturday for as long as either of them could remember.

It was around ten o'clock, and they were going to resume playing after having put Ren and Ran to bed about half an hour earlier. At least, that had been the plan. As always, the twins tried to continue playing and stay up as late as possible with their brother and his friend. They protested, stating that they weren't tired at all - though the frequency of their yawns would suggest otherwise. When they were finally lying in bed and Makoto and Haruka thought they had given up the fight, Ran and Ren demanded that either of the elder boys read them a story, knowing that their brother was easily persuaded. Makoto gave in almost immediately, of course, way too sensitive to the pleading faces of his siblings and unable to deny them anything when they stared at him with eyes resembling those of a pair of kicked puppies.

Now, they were back in their room after Ran and Ren finally fell asleep. Their previous claims had been false; the both of them had drifted off before the story even reached the halfway point.

Makoto sat back down on his bed, picking up two of the previously discarded controllers and handing one of them to Haruka. The other reached out to accept the offered controller when he suddenly froze.

He saw a small, red drop slowly crawling down Makoto's upper lip, seemingly coming out of his nose. Obviously, he was shocked, but the first thing his mind came up with was the fact that Makoto was someone who couldn't handle seeing blood, and he didn't know how he was going to break this to him.

"Haru?" Makoto questioned, confused by his friend's sudden silence.

"Makoto, uh, your nose..." Haruka pointed hesitantly at Makoto's nose, which seemed to be bleeding faster and faster in mere seconds.

"Hm?" Makoto, who was a little startled by Haruka's statement, tentatively raised his hand towards his nose, feeling the wet, hot bead that was staining his pale skin with the tips of his fingers. He retreated his hand, his eyes widening in shock as he saw the blood on his digits.

"H-Haru!" he yelped, unspoken code for ' _do something!_ '.

Haruka's eyes darted through the room, searching for a box of tissues of any sort, but he found none.

"Please, Haru!"

The blood was now flowing out of Makoto's nose rapidly, trailing down his mouth and chin only to drip on Makoto's upturned palm.

If Makoto's body was a river, his nose would be the waterfall.

Haruka tried to shake those stupid thoughts out of his head as he tried to figure out what he was supposed to do. He dashed out of the room, only to come back with a roll of toilet paper. He unrolled it and pressed some of it against Makoto's face, who's bloody hand came up to hold it in place.

It didn't take long until the entire ball was drenched in red. Haruka quickly unrolled more of the paper and handed it to Makoto, who tossed the bloodied lump into the nearest trash bin.

This scene repeated itself for what felt like hours before Makoto's nose finally stopped bleeding. After throwing away the last of the used paper, Makoto's panic started to subdue at last. He looked as if he could faint any minute, though whether it was from the sight of so much blood or the actual blood loss, Haruka couldn't tell.

Makoto was shivering at this point, cold sweat rolling down the pale skin of his face. Haruka brushed his bangs away, placing his hand on Makoto's forehead to feel his temperature.

"You're burning up," he concluded as he pulled back his hand.

Makoto blinked several times. Then, he slowly raised his own hand to his head, as if to confirm his friend's words.

"I... I think," he started, "I think I need to go lay down for a minute."

Haruka nodded and helped Makoto settle down on the mattress, shoving the forgotten controllers aside in the process. Makoto looked up at him, his eyes unfocused, and a weak smile appeared on his face.

"Thanks, Haru."

Haruka hummed in response. "Need anything?"

"No thanks, Haru. I'll be fine after I sleep a bit..." His eyes fluttered shut the second those words left his lips. His panic from before had drained Makoto from all of the energy he had left, which wasn't that much to begin with, considering the state of permanent fatigue he seemed to be in lately.

Now that Makoto was asleep with a peaceful expression painting his features, Haruka's erratic pounding heart was able to regain its normal pace. Haruka released a shaky breath. Now his own initial shock was over and his mind was clear enough to comprehend what had happened, worry made its way back into his being.

Something was wrong. Something was _really_ wrong. Even though Makoto kept insisting that he was fine, Haruka knew he wasn't. He knew Makoto was just saying that because he didn't want to burden anyone. As if Makoto could ever be a burden.

Though he knew that he had told himself that if Makoto wasn't going to tell him, that was his own problem, he also knew he was lying to himself. Who was he even kidding; he was worried sick about the other. This was the last straw and this needed to be ended before it became worse. And so, Haruka decided to do what every responsible friend would do.

Telling Makoto's mother.

He glanced at the alarm clock that stood at the top of Makoto's bed. It was almost eleven PM by now, but he knew Makoto's mother would still be up; she's the type who watches late night soap opera and Korean dramas when the rest of the family was asleep already.

After brushing his fingers through Makoto's fringe to give both Makoto - who was out like a light -and himself some comfort, he made up his mind and got up, leaving Makoto alone in his room.

He slowly descended the stairs, not wanting to wake the sleeping members of the Tachibana family. As expected, he found Mrs. Tachibana on the couch, her eyes glued to the television that was lighting up the dark room, illuminating her pretty face.

She looked up when she noticed Haruka's presence, seemingly surprised to see him. When she saw his expression, her questioning look turned into something more concerned.

"Haru-kun, is something wrong?"

"Can I talk to you for a second?"

"Of course." She motioned to spot beside her on the couch. "Sit down."

He sat down beside her and Mrs. Tachibana reached for the remote and muted the tv, turning back to Haruka. "So, Haru-kun, what did you want to talk to me about?"

"Makoto."

She was used to Haruka's curt way of speaking, and nodded, encouraging him to continue.

"He's not doing so well lately," he began. "He keeps saying that he's fine, but he isn't."

A look of understanding appeared on Mrs. Tachibana's face, telling Haruka that she had noticed.

Haruka told her about everything that had happened the past week.

"I knew something was wrong with him, but I didn't know it was this bad. He has been skipping meals lately, and even when he did eat, it was never much. I asked him about it, too, but you know how he is. That boy can't lie for all he's worth, so of course I knew he was telling me the truth," Mrs. Tachibana responded when he was done.

Haruka nodded in response.

"He also came home absolutely exhausted every day for the past week. He just went straight to bed after school. I think you can already guess what he told me when I asked him about it."

" _I'm fine._ "

"Exactly. At this point I'm not sure if he doesn't want to make anyone worry about him or if he sincerely believes he's fine."

"Probably a mix of both."

"Most likely," Mrs. Tachibana agreed.

They talked for a little while longer, until Haruka was practically dozing off on the couch, his own exhaustion finally catching up with him. Mrs. Tachibana sent him back to bed when she noticed he couldn't keep his eyes open any longer, and Haruka gladly listened to her.

He actually felt better after his talk with Makoto's mother. Surely, Makoto wasn't better yet, but Mrs. Tachibana had promised him that she'd take Makoto to a doctor as quickly as possible.

He was back in Makoto's room and he lied down on the futon, looking up at Makoto's sleeping face with a little more ease in his heart. He now knew Makoto was going to get help, and that brought him peace. At least enough for him to fall asleep not long after.

* * *

 

Mrs. Tachibana had kept her promise, and the next Monday, Makoto didn't show up in his bathroom. Haruka waited and waited, but he didn't come to pull him out of the tub.

Eventually, Haruka got out of his bathtub on his own, not bothering to dry off before he made his way back to his bedroom. There, he found his phone, the light flashing with an unread message.

As he expected, the message was from Makoto, telling him that he couldn't come to pick him up this morning because his mother was taking him to a doctor and how sorry he was.

Haruka sighed, having already expected this, and he went back to bed, even though he was still wet. He was late either way, and going to school was even worse if Makoto wasn't there, so he didn't bother going.

 

Makoto let him know that his doctor decided to examine him further, because of which he needed to go to the hospital and therefore couldn't attend school the next day either. Haruka didn't know the specifics of the examinations Makoto was getting, because he didn't ask and Makoto didn't tell him either. He did feel bad for Makoto, knowing his fear for needles and hospitals in general - that's probably why he didn't tell Haruka about it, when he usually would.

 

A day or two later, the results of the tests came in and Makoto had to go to the hospital again. Haruka was sitting in his tub, waiting for Makoto to return. But it didn't take long for him to come out again, way too curious to sit around and wait. He then waited in front of his window until he could see the car of the Tachibana's parking in front of their house.

He quickly made his way downstairs and put on his shoes before he went to the Tachibana residence.

At the door he was greeted by Makoto's mother, smudges of makeup underneath her watery eyes and trails of mascara on her cheeks. She was crying. And that fact terrified him.

"Oh, Haru-kun, it's you. Makoto's upstairs," Mrs. Tachibana said as she wiped her tears away with the back of her hand, stepping back to let Haruka inside.

Haruka nodded because his mouth just wouldn't function. When he got inside he went straight to Makoto's bedroom. He knocked twice and when the door opened, he saw Makoto standing there, looking practically lifeless. Haruka walked into his bedroom when Makoto gave him the opportunity to, and he sat down on Makoto's bed.

Makoto closed the door behind him, and walked over to his bed, sitting down beside his friend, close enough that their knees could touch if they wanted to.

Haruka was staring expectantly at Makoto, who wouldn't meet his gaze. Instead, he was staring at his hands, that were folded in his lap.

A minute went by without either of them saying a word, until Haruka couldn't take it anymore.

"Well?" he asked.

He heard Makoto sigh deeply, but he still wouldn't meet his eyes. Makoto mumbled.

"I have acute lymphocytic leukemia."

Haruka blinked a few times, but his mind couldn't comprehend what Makoto had just said.

"What?"

Finally Makoto looked up at him. His eyes shone with so many emotions Haruka couldn't identify, yet at the same time, they looked dead.

"Haru, I have cancer."

Four words. Four little words. Four words that should never be in a sentence together. Those four words were all it took for Haruka's world to crumble.

This couldn't be true. Surely his ears had betrayed him. He waited for Makoto to smile and say "just kidding!" but it didn't happen. Of course it didn't happen. Who would joke about something like this? But at that moment, Haruka would've done anything to make those words a lie.

Instead, he saw tears welling up in Makoto's eyes.

"I'm scared, Haru," he muttered as tears made their way down his face, marking his pale skin. "I'm so scared."

It all felt so surreal, like this was a horrible nightmare. But this was no dream and Haruka wouldn't wake up.

"I don't want to die," Makoto whispered, his voice cracking between his sobs.

Makoto couldn't die. Even when everyone else had turned their backs to him, Makoto had always been here for him. When his parents left, Makoto was there. When his grandmother died, Makoto was there. When Rin left for Australia and Nagisa went to another school, Makoto was there. Makoto couldn't be dying. He was all Haruka had.

"I'm so s-scared, Haru," he repeated as he launched forward, burying his face in Haruka's shoulder, his tears soaking Haruka's shirt almost immediately.

Normally Haruka's heart would've leapt inside his chest from the physical contact. He would feel the warmth of the butterflies in his belly. He would feel glad that Makoto trusted him enough to cry in front of him, glad that Makoto felt safe enough to drop his guard like he only would around him. He didn't feel anything like that; all he felt was ice.

Makoto's arms wrapped around his neck as sobs wrecked through his body. Haruka could feel his own tears burning in his eyes, but he wouldn't allow himself to cry. He couldn't cry, not right now. He had to be strong. For Makoto.

He wrapped his own arms around Makoto's back and held him close, trying to give him some sort of comfort. He wanted to tell Makoto that everything would be okay, that he wouldn't die and that he would get better, but he couldn't; the words were stuck in his throat.

Haruka couldn't remember a single moment in his life when he had felt this bad. The only thing that came close was the time when his grandmother died. She had been old, she had lived a fulfilled life, but Makoto, he was only fifteen. He was way too young to be sick, too young to die.

He blinked away the tears he couldn't suppress and he gently rubbed Makoto's back. He raised one of his hands to Makoto's head, tangling his fingers in the olive brown strands of his hair; the hair he was going to lose.

They continued to hold each other, one harshly crying, the other willing himself not to cry, until Makoto's sobs died out and his body became heavy. His exhaustion got the better of him and he had cried himself to sleep in his best friend's arms.

Haruka unwrapped their arms and slowly put Makoto down on his bed, lifting Makoto's legs so they were lying on the bed as well. It didn't take him nearly as much effort as it should have, as Makoto's body had become lighter. Too light.

He kneeled down beside Makoto's head, his hands wiping away the tears that were slowly drying on his skin. Then, he got up and left, softly closing the door behind him. Downstairs he heard the rest of the family talking, but he didn't stop to say goodbye.

 

When he got home, he immediately plopped down on his bed. He buried his face into his pillow as he allowed himself to break down. He cried and screamed like he never had before. He just felt so useless, knowing that there was nothing he could do to change this situation.

Makoto; his best friend, the boy he loved, was sick and Haruka stood powerless. He felt a lot of things: guilt, regret, despair, but most of all he felt sadness, as if his heart had been ripped out of his chest and all he could do was bleed. Like he was drowning and couldn't move his limbs.

He cried and screamed until he had no tears left and his lungs burned, until sleep finally took him as well, letting him forget about everything if only for a brief moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! 
> 
> I don't know when the next update will be or how long it will be, but this will definitely be continued.
> 
> You are also allowed to cry with me over MakoHaru on my tumblr: datheetjoella.tumblr.com
> 
> Until next time!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, I would like to point out that I am in no shape, way, or form an expert on cancer nor cancer treatment. I am also clueless when it comes to Japanese hospitals, so if there are any things in this fic that are unrealistic or not true, then I sincerely apologise.
> 
> Regardless of that, I still hope you will be able to enjoy this chapter and this fic in general, and I hope I won't disappoint you.
> 
> TW: Mentions of blood. Mentions of vomiting (I'm not sure if this triggers anyone, but just in case if there's anyone who likes to read fics whilst eating, just like me, a little heads up!)

After the discovery of Makoto's illness, everything went really quick; Makoto was admitted to the hospital in Iwatobi and started his first cycle of chemotherapy.

The twins didn't take the news of their brother's disease that well. At first they were confused; their brother had been sick before, and while they felt sorry for him, they didn't understand why it was such a big deal and why everyone was crying. When Mr. Tachibana explained the seriousness of the situation and the fact that Makoto could die from this disease, they panicked and cried hysterically, as if their brother had already passed away. After they had calmed down and their father explained everything again, now emphasizing the fact that Makoto still had a fairly big chance of surviving his leukemia, it still didn't really reach their minds. All that had stuck with them was that Makoto was really sick and that there was a possibility that he would die.

Now, Haruka was standing in front of the tall building, hesitant to go inside. Makoto was admitted earlier today and this was his first time visiting him. Part of him wanted to go inside as quickly as possible to be close to Makoto, but he also felt reluctance, because he knew that he couldn't keep denying the harsh truth once he was confronted with it directly.

After taking a deep breath, Haruka made up his mind and walked forward, the automatic doors sliding open as he stepped inside of the hospital.

He made his way through the corridor towards the front desk. Behind it sat a fairly young nurse, who looked up when he saw Haruka approach.

"Hello, what can I help you with?"

"Um." Haruka cleared his throat before making another attempt at asking his question. "Could you please tell me where the children's oncology department is?"

A look of sympathy flashed the young man's face, before he smiled emphatically at Haruka. "Certainly. You walk through this hall, then turn left. You'll reach the elevators and you go up to the third floor. Then, the first hall to your left."

Haruka nodded and let out a small 'thank you' before he followed the path the nurse described to him. When he reached the elevators, he pushed the 'up' button and waited until one of them arrived. While he was waiting, an elderly woman came closer to him, seemingly waiting for the elevator as well.

"Good afternoon," she greeted him.

Even if Haruka didn't feel like it, he didn't want to be impolite, so he returned her greeting.

"Ah," the woman sighed, "what a wonderful day isn't it?" She looked over at Haruka and smiled. "My granddaughter just had her first child."

"Congratulations," Haruka said. He really tried to sound genuine, but it was really hard when you're on the edge of breaking down and someone's rubbing their happiness in your face.

"Thank you."

The elevator arrived and Haruka and the elderly woman got in. Haruka pushed the button to the third floor and the lady pushed the fifth button.

"So, what's a young man like you doing in a hospital? You're not sick, are you?"

Haruka sighed; he really didn't want to be having this conversation right now, but not responding wasn't an option either. He tried to swallow the lump that had formed in his throat but it was to no avail.

"No," he muttered. "My best friend has cancer." Saying these words hurt more than he would have imagined.

"Oh." The woman was taken aback my Haruka's blunt statement, and she looked as if she didn't really knew what to say. "I'm very sorry to hear that."

He didn't want the conversation to progress any further, so he just nodded.

"I, um, I hope he gets better soon."

Luckily, at that moment the elevator dinged, telling them that they had reached the third floor.

"I hope so too." was all Haruka said before he stepped outside, leaving the startled grandmother alone with her joy.

A sign hung from the ceiling with the words "children's oncology" engraved in it. He walked into the corridor the sign was pointing to and the scent of sickness and medicine hit his nostrils. The smell that was so hospital-like was another validation that this was reality and Haruka took another deep breath.

He searched for the right room number, finding it a little down the hall. Room number 12: Tachibana Makoto.

Reaching out his arm, his hand grabbed the doorknob. Before he opened the door, he faced another moment of slight hesitation. There was no going back now.

Gathering up all of his courage, he pushed the handle down and entered the hospital room. The room was fairly big for one person and the yellow curtains were drawn close, though the room was still lit up by the sun thanks to the light colour. Walking further inside, he saw the boy that was lying in the middle of a big hospital bed and Haruka almost hadn't recognised him.

His eyes were closed, his brown hair sprawled out over the pillow, IV drip in his right arm. He looked small, weak, but most of all he looked sick. He didn't look like his Makoto at all; he looked more like a small child and it made Haruka's breath hitch.

He bit his lip, feeling like he was nailed to the floor. He wanted to run away and pretend he didn't see anything, like all of this wasn't true and that he was delusional. He also wanted to run over to Makoto's side, hold his hand and help him through all of the misery and misfortune. He didn't do any of this; he couldn't do anything but stand there, the harsh reality thrown in his face like a bucket of ice water that paralyzed all of his senses for a little while.

He snapped out of it when he heard the voice of Makoto's father.

"Haru-kun."

Haruka just nodded in acknowledgement of Mr. Tachibana's words, the lump that was still in his throat successfully preventing him from speaking.

Now, he was able to focus on more of his surroundings. He saw Makoto's parents sitting on either side of the bed, Mrs. Tachibana holding Makoto's large left hand in her smaller ones. The twins weren't there.

"Haru-kun." It was Makoto's mother who spoke this time. She looked up from her son's sleeping face, her eyes meeting Haruka's. "Please take a seat."

He did as she had proposed and sat down in the chair next to hers. The chair was more comfortable than what you'd normally expect from a hospital; Haruka figured it was because most the patients as well as the visitors would be staying here for a while. That thought hurt more than it should have.

Haruka could feel the tears prickling behind his eyelids and in order to distract himself, he asked the first thing that came to mind.

"Ren and Ran aren't here?"

"No," Mr. Tachibana responded, "they're at their grandmother's house. Their presence would be a little too much for Makoto right now."

"Oh," Haruka dumbly replied. "Should I...?"

"No, please stay, Haru-kun. I'm sure Makoto would appreciate your company," Mrs. Tachibana spoke, glancing back from him to Makoto.

Once again, all Haruka could do was nod in acknowledgement.

They sat there for a while in silence, since no one really knew what to say. What do you even talk about in a situation like this, when you're all surrounding the bed of a sick loved one? Haruka wouldn't know; he wasn't even talkative under normal circumstances. He was usually fine with quietness, he even preferred it, but for once he wished the room would be filled with meaningless small talk. Then, he would be able to focus on anything but his own thoughts, that were slowly consuming him at this minute.

He looked over Makoto's sleeping form as he willed himself to keep it together. He tried to look for a distraction of some sort, but what could even suffice at this moment? He tried thinking of all the happy moments in his life, but that hurt as well, as Makoto played a big part in every single one of them. And the fact that he could potentially lose Makoto - one of his main sources of happiness - stung. Every thought hurt. He wished he could just turn his brain off and stop thinking altogether. But the more he tried to forget, the more he remembered. Not just his happiest memories, even simple, seemingly meaningless ones. Like how Makoto split a popsicle for them to share and whenever it was uneven, he would give the biggest piece to him. Like when it would rain, Makoto would sneak the stray cats inside his house, and when Haruka would confront him about it, he would beg him to let them stay. When Makoto would scold him for dressing too lightly while it was snowing, and how he would take off his own scarf and wrap it around Haruka's neck. At those moments he didn't think twice of what was happening, as they seemed like normal, everyday things. Never would he have thought he would remember them here, in this hospital room, on this rainy afternoon in the beginning of October.

But it was then that he realised that all of these moments, no matter how small they might have been, were significant and they all held a place in his heart. He would cherish them forever.

He was ripped from his thoughts when a woman walked inside. Her straight, chocolate-coloured hair was put up in a ponytail, her dark brown eyes were partially hidden behind frameless glasses, and she wore a kind smile. She was wearing a white lab coat and clutched a clipboard against her chest. She introduced herself to him as Shimura-sensei; Makoto's oncologist.

Even though Makoto's parents knew this already, Shimura-sensei talked them through the treatment Makoto was going to receive once more. Haruka wanted to know everything to the smallest of details and he wanted to know nothing about it at all. He wanted to know the specifics, because this was of great importance to Makoto; it was literally serving in order to save Makoto's life. But knowing the specifics made him aware of the pain Makoto would be going through; it was an extra acknowledgement of Makoto's illness, as a normal teenage boy wouldn't know the specifics of leukemia treatment.

Never before had Haruka felt this conflicted. Normally, he would want something, and that would be that. He would be stubborn until he received it. But now... now he wanted something, yet he wanted the exact opposite as well. He wanted everything. He wanted nothing.

The words of the doctor didn't stop flowing through the formerly quiet room as Haruka's internal debate continued. Because of this, Haruka could only catch a few things that were said; something about three stages, the possibility of other medication to fight potential side effects, and two years. Though it left him with so many unanswered questions, he didn't want to ask them. Even if he wanted to, he was sure his mouth wouldn't be able to function as he'd like, and his voice wasn't even in his throat anymore; at least, it felt like it wasn't. So when Shimura-sensei asked if there was anything that wasn't clear, if there were any questions anyone would like to ask, Haruka kept his lips tightly shut together and his inquiries stayed unvoiced.

After bidding Makoto's parents and Haruka goodbye, Shimura-sensei left, leaving a lingering silence behind.

 

A few hours had gone by and Haruka was now alone with Makoto in his hospital room. Mr. and Mrs. Tachibana had left a little while ago to go eat dinner at the restaurant downstairs. The entire time that Haruka had been there, Makoto hadn't woken up. It really showed how utterly exhausted he had been, as only a bit of medication had put him in a deep sleep.

Haruka had opened one of the curtains and was now peering out the window, watching as the rain gently, almost hypnotisingly tapped against the window, when a groan brought him back to earth. He turned back to his friend, who's eyes were slowly fluttering open.

When Makoto's eyes had focused, he looked bewilderdly around himself, as if he had no idea where he was. His gaze then met Haruka's, his eyes full of confusion.

"Haru?" he asked, his voice still groggy from sleep. He tried to sit up, but his arms weren't strong enough to support his weight and he slumped back down on the bed. Haruka automatically reached forward to ease him back into a lying position before he searched for the remote of the bed. When he found it he pressed one of the buttons, which made the top end of the bed slowly rise. He released it when he thought it was up far enough and put the remote back on the iron bar that was hanging loosely beneath the bed it was attached to.

Makoto sat up a little straighter, his back now supported by the mattress, as he tried to rub the sleep out of his eyes with his fist. "What time is it?" he asked, "Shouldn't you be at school?"

Haruka glanced at the clock that hung above the door. "It's about half past five, so, no."

"Huh, it's that late already?" Makoto questioned. Haruka only shrugged in response.

"How long have you been here?" Another shrug. "And I've been asleep the entire time! I'm so sorry, Haru!"

"It's fine, Makoto."

Makoto opened his mouth to protest, but quickly closed it again when Haruka shot him a look.

"Did I miss anything at school today?" he then inquired.

Once again, all Haruka could do was raise his shoulders.

"Haru!" Makoto scolded, "You really have to go to school, even if I'm not there."

Haruka averted his eyes, huffing slightly.

"Haru, promise me you'll go to school from now on."

He still didn't look up to meet Makoto's stare as he muttered an almost inaudible "fine".

Makoto heard him though, as his facial features relaxed and a soft smile appeared on his lips.

"Haru," he called, wanting Haruka to meet his eyes again. When he did, Makoto continued. "Thank you for coming."

The gentle words that Makoto spoke sounded so honest and thankful that they filled Haruka's chest with warmth. It was for the first time since he heard the phrase that broke his heart that he felt anything other than ice. It was as if his insides had frozen when Makoto had spoken those life-changing words, and now, the ice was melting, even if only a little. And because of that, Haruka couldn't stop himself from smiling back at his friend.

 

Silence fell between them, though it wasn't awkward or suffocating like the previous silences in this room had been; it was a comfortable one, one that could only fall between Makoto and him. They watched as the sky turned darker, and Makoto broke the silence.

"I think you should go home now, Haru."

Haruka turned back to Makoto, with upturned eyebrows. What Makoto had said baffled him a little, as it was very uncharacteristic for Makoto to say something like this, especially to him. He wondered if he had imposed on Makoto for too long, if Makoto had gotten sick of his company, if his presence was just a nuisance to him. When the other noticed what his friend was thinking, he quickly explained.

"It'll be dark outside soon, and you still have to take the train-"

"I'm not a schoolgirl," Haruka interrupted him.

"I know! You know I didn't mean it like that, but you're all by yourself, and it's getting more and more dangerous out lately..." Makoto looked as if he had more to say, but he didn't finish his sentence.

Haruka snorted. Makoto was the one who had actual cancer flowing through his veins, and he worried about _his_ safety? It really was a prime example of how selfless and kind Makoto actually was.

"It's okay, Makoto," he said. _I understand._ He got up and stretched, as his body had become sore from sitting in the same position for a long time. "Then, I'll see you tomorrow."

"Tomorrow?" Makoto questioned, his voice full of hope, which he was probably unable to suppress.

"Someone has to give you your homework, right?"

Makoto's eyes lit up at Haruka's words and he smiled gratefully. Haruka knew Makoto was very concerned about his schoolwork. He already tried to stay on top of everything when he wasn't ill yet, so Haruka could only imagine how worried Makoto would be now he couldn't attend his classes and take notes. He knew Makoto was afraid of getting behind and failing, and therefore he had taken it upon himself that he would try to make sure Makoto wouldn't lose track of his academic work. He also knew that Makoto wouldn't want to burden anyone, and therefore he didn't ask Haruka to do this for him. But really, this was the least Haruka could do for him. He might not have the power to cure Makoto or to take his pain away, but he was determined to be there for Makoto any way he could.

Haruka turned to walk out of the room when Makoto's voice stopped him.

"Haru!"

He ceased walking and looked back at Makoto, who had a shy but genuine expression on his face.

"Thank you," he said with a beautiful smile. _The_ smile.

He knew Makoto wasn't just thanking him for the fact that he was going to bring him his homework, but also because he was here, supporting him.

Haruka couldn't do anything but smile a little in return, a faint blush dusting his cheeks, before he walked out of the room with an unspoken promise of coming back.

 

When he left the hospital, he was feeling noticeably better than when he entered it. The rain had stopped to fall as Haruka made his way towards the train station. He breathed in the cold autumn air with a completely different mindset than he had earlier this afternoon.

Back then he only saw the sickness, the pain, the possibility of death, but now, he felt hope. Hope that Makoto would fight, hope that he would recover. Makoto was strong, perhaps even the strongest person he knew, and though Haruka couldn't cure his disease, couldn't take the pain away, he was going to be there for Makoto in any way possible. He would support Makoto, take care of Makoto, help Makoto, and stay by his side. If moral support was all he had to offer Makoto, then he was going to give him all he's got. Makoto was going to recover. He was going to get better. Haruka was sure of it.

Little did he know that this new determination would be short-lived.

* * *

 

After his first visit, Haruka returned to the hospital every single day. He always said it was just to bring Makoto his notes and homework, but he knew it was just a lame excuse. Honestly, he just wanted to stay by Makoto's side, especially since his faith from before had already come crashing down.

The chemo made Makoto so sick. The side effects Shimura-sensei had informed them about hit him harder than anyone expected. He completely lost his appetite, and even when he did eat, he couldn't keep it inside for longer than two minutes. Because of that, he got to a point where he just refused to eat at all - what was the point if it was just going to come out again right away? - which led to the nurses being on his back constantly, much to Haruka's annoyance. He knew they intended it well and that they were right, yet it still irked him. He felt like they shouldn't force Makoto to do anything against his will, even if it was for the best.

Most of the nurses were really nice though, even if Haruka hadn't felt that way from the beginning, as he had a bit of a rough start with some of them. They had tried to send him away, saying that Haruka's presence was too much for Makoto to handle right now, that he was too sick for 'casual company'. The main issue was that Haruka came everyday without fail, and he didn't exactly limit his stay to visiting hours. Haruka had always ignored them, not even acknowledged their words, since he had no intention of leaving. If they wanted him to leave, they'd have to drag him out of here. And of course, they only brought this up whenever Makoto was unconscious, so he couldn't protest when they tried to make his best friend leave.

It wasn't until Mrs. Tachibana had a talk with them, explaining just how deep the connection between the two boys really was, how Haruka was practically family, how important Haruka's presence actually was, and that the highest possibility for Makoto to recover was if Haruka was by his side, that they dropped it. By then they had already learned that Haruka was more of a quiet existence rather than a big disturbance, so they stopped bothering him and accepted his presence.

Haruka was really grateful to Makoto's mother, and he made sure to thank her after she had spoken up for him. The smile he received in return made him wonder just how much she knew about the relationship between Makoto and him, if she knew that there were more than just friendly feelings involved, at least for Haruka's part. He never asked her about it, though, since what he felt for Makoto really was the least of his concern at that moment.

Next to all the possible side effects, the most certain side effect of chemotherapy set through rapidly as well; Makoto's hair started to fall out. Within two weeks, there were noticeable bald spots on Makoto's head. He'd always had a habit of running his digits through his hair, and every time he did it now there were tufts of his olive brown locks between his fingers. Strands of his hair could also be found on his pillow and he had already lost a part of his left eyebrow.

Whenever he found himself with literal hands full of hair, it was like his illness was thrown in his face all over again. It even hurt Haruka, because every time it happened the expression on Makoto's face was just so sad. Haruka didn't ever want to see such sadness filling Makoto, as nothing other than a smile fit Makoto's beautiful features.

Therefore, after approximately three weeks, they decided that it was for the best to just shave all of Makoto's hair off. Then, it would all be over at once, and he wouldn't have to suffer through the loss bit by bit.

Makoto didn't make as much as a sound when the buzzing trimmer ran over his scalp. Within minutes, the floor beneath the chair he was sitting on was littered in his brown hair, until little to nothing remained on his head. He didn't show any sign of remorse, of pain that lies within losing something like this, but Haruka knew that it must've hurt. Haruka had offered to shave his own hair off as well; if that would lift a weight off of Makoto's shoulders, ease his burdens, or even just made him feel a tiny bit better, then he would do it immediately. His hair meant little to him, especially compared to what Makoto meant to him, and if it would make him feel less insecure, he would do it in a heartbeat. Makoto immediately refused, though, telling him that it was unnecessary for Haruka to lose his hair, and that while he appreciated the offer, he didn't want Haruka to do it.

Seeing Makoto without his hair for the first time was so weird for Haruka, even though he had been there when it was taken off. Even as a baby Makoto had never been completely bald - not that Haruka could remember, but he had seen pictures - and it was just an odd experience to see such a noticeable change in his appearance. For practically everyday in his entire life he had seen the same face, gradually aging without his awareness, so to now see the all too familiar sight of his best friend being drastically different from one moment to the next was strange. He still found Makoto attractive, even without the hair, but Haruka doubted anything could ever change the way he felt about the other.

The thing that did change, however, was that Makoto looked even more sick; sicker than he ever had. Besides the frequent vomiting, the occasional stream of blood down his face, and the fact that his skin colour challenged that of a ghost, the baldness was the first and foremost sign that he was terribly ill. On bad days, he didn't just look sick; he looked like he was dying.

Everyone tried to keep their spirits up, though, as negativity was about the last thing Makoto needed to recover. Soon enough, their daily lives continued, though it wasn't like before. Mr. Tachibana had gone back to work not long after Makoto was admitted, and a few weeks after Mrs. Tachibana had as well. They wanted to support their son, stay by his side through this difficult period, but even if Makoto's fate had drastically changed, life goes on for the rest of them. It had taken a lot of convincing on Makoto's part for his mother to actually do something else beside sitting at his bedside the entire day. It's not that he didn't appreciate her being here for him, but she couldn't just stay there all day; the twins still needed their mother after all. She had protested at first, as she didn't want to leave him by himself all day, but Makoto insisted that it was fine; he still had the nurses to take care of him, and the twins needed her more. After a long argument, Makoto's mother had given in, though she still visited at least once a day. She mostly visited in the mornings, as the twins and Haruka went to school, and Haruka came every afternoon. That way, Makoto would never be alone for too long, because even if Makoto insisted he was fine by himself, Haruka knew he just didn't want to burden anyone and that all of this still scared him.

And even though Haruka knew he was anxious, Makoto never once complained, he never let out a single tear after that one private moment in his room; he kept smiling. Even on the bad days, when he felt even more miserable than he looked, he always put effort into curling the corners of his mouth upwards, if only in the slightest.

Haruka fell into a new routine, as well. He would go to school everyday and actually pay attention, take notes of everything that might be important for Makoto, and eat his lunch on the roof in solitude. After school, he would go straight to the hospital. On good days, Makoto and he would do homework together and Haruka would tell him about everything he missed. On bad days, he would just stay by Makoto's side and try to do his own homework when Makoto was asleep. He would always leave before it got too dark, because he knew that Makoto didn't want him to stroll around by himself after the sun went down completely. More often than not Mr. Tachibana would come in the evening, occasionally accompanied by Mrs. Tachibana and the twins, so Haruka didn't feel _that_ bad for leaving Makoto. On days he didn't have school, he would go to the hospital in the morning as well, together with Makoto's mother and sometimes Ran and Ren. And everyday without fail, Makoto would thank him for coming, along with a small smile. Haruka didn't know why he did that, but he never commented on it and just nodded, together with a tiny smile of his own.

The other change in Haruka's life was that he actually carried his phone with him at all times. Not only because Makoto and he would mail more often than before, as they were not together constantly anymore, but also in case of emergencies, because even if he didn't want to think that way, there was always a possibility that Makoto's disease took a turn for the worse.

He was walking out of the school's gates when his phone actually vibrated, the sound it made telling him that he had received a message, and it made his heart skip a beat; he knew it wasn't Makoto, as he had set a special ringtone for Makoto's number. There weren't many other people that knew his phone number, and that was the fact that made him worry. When he fished his phone out of his pocket and read who the sender was, his anxiety only grew. The sender of the message that had yet to be read was Mrs. Tachibana. They had exchanged contact information in case of emergencies, specifically, emergencies concerning Makoto.

Immediately, Haruka's worst fears flashed through his mind. Nothing bad happened to Makoto, had it? His heartbeat sped up, panic rushing through his being. He could hear his blood flowing in his ears, and his hands shook as he opened the received message.

He let out a big sigh of relief when the first part of the message informed him that this wasn't an emergency and that Makoto was fine - well, as fine as someone with acute lymphocytic leukemia could be. She then apologised if she made him worry, which made Haruka wonder just how well Mrs. Tachibana actually knew him.

It was actually obvious that it wasn't an emergency, otherwise she would have probably called.

The rest of the message said that something had come up at her part-time job, and she kindly asked him to pick up Ren and Ran from their school and take them to the hospital with him.

He mailed her back, telling her that it was okay and that he would do it. He was already on his way to Iwatobi Elementary when his phone buzzed again, Mrs. Tachibana thanking him and telling him that the school already knew that he was the one that was going to pick up the twins.

When he arrived at the school, he saw Ran and Ren chattering among their friends. Then, they simultaneously looked up, spotted him, and yelled "Haru-chan!" in unison. They ran towards him and attacked his waist, their conversation with their peers long forgotten as they greeted their brother's friend. Haruka caught the both of them, patting their backs in a silent greeting.

Ran pulled back first and looked excitedly up at Haruka. "Haru-chan, are you picking us up today?"

Haruka hummed in confirmation, which made Ren release him as well. "Are we going to the hospital to visit Onii-chan?"

"Yeah, something came up at your mom's work," he explained, as Ren and Ran didn't know about this yet, judging from their reactions to his presence. "So I'm taking you to see Makoto."

"Yay!" the twins excitedly exclaimed, throwing their arms up in cheer.

Even though the twins visited Makoto at least once a week, Haruka knew they missed their brother immensely. The Tachibana siblings had always been very close, and now their time together had been limited to an hour or two per week. Makoto had always been their big role model, the person they looked up to, and for now to see him in such weakness pained them as well. And even if they all wished to have more time together it just wasn't possible; Makoto couldn't handle all the noise, and you can't exactly expect two seven-year-olds to sit still and be quiet for extensive periods of time. So for now, these few hours were all they had, and they treasured them. Maybe in the foreseeable future, if Makoto's condition got better, they could visit more often, but for now that wasn't realistic yet.

Ran and Ren waved their classmates goodbye and they started their journey towards the hospital. The twins excitedly told him about everything that had happened at school that day. Their stories were a bit incoherent, as they just said the first thing that came to mind, but Haruka listened to them either way.

Though Haruka wasn't too fond of children, he had a soft spot for Ren and Ran. Maybe it was because they were Makoto's siblings, maybe it was because he had literally known them for all of their lives; he didn't know. But even if he didn't know why, it was a well known fact that he loved them. Even if they could be too loud, obnoxious, and bothersome sometimes, he couldn't stay annoyed with them for too long. And though he was an only child, it had always felt like the twins were his siblings as well, even if only a little bit - it was odd though, as he didn't consider Makoto like that at all; the feelings he had for him couldn't possibly be described as 'brotherly love'.

Soon enough they arrived at the hospital, and Haruka had to remind the twins to keep their voices down. They walked down the path that had become all too familiar, taking the elevator up to the third floor. When they got to Makoto's room, Haruka put his finger against his lips, effectively silencing Ran and Ren, before he slowly pushed the door open.

They went inside, and when Haruka saw Makoto, he let out a sigh of relief. Makoto was sitting up straight in his bed, his black-framed reading glasses rested on the bridge of his nose, and he was engrossed in whatever game he was playing on his Nintendo DS. If Makoto felt well enough to do anything but lie miserably in his bed, then that meant that this was a good day, well, a better day. It was actually obvious that it was a better day; Mrs. Tachibana had been here this morning and if it was a bad day, then she wouldn't have asked him to bring the twins here.

"Onii-chan!" Ran and Ren excitedly yelled as they all but ran towards their brother's bed.

"Shh!" Makoto and Haruka both tried to hush the twins again. Even if Makoto was feeling slightly less bad, they were still in a hospital after all; in the rooms just next to this one, there are other children that are really sick, that are possibly dying right at this minute, so a bit of silence is generally appreciated.

The twins climbed on each side of the bed and sat down next to their brother's legs. Makoto turned off his DS and put it aside, before both of his arms reached out - his left easier than his right, that still had all kinds of tubes in it, leading to the various bags that hung on the pole next to his bed - to ruffle his siblings' hair.

"Ran, Ren, what are you doing here?" Makoto asked when he withdrew his hands, a kind smile plastered on his face.

Ran started. "Haru-chan-"

"He brought us here." Ren finished.

"Something came up at your mom's work," Haruka explained as he walked further into the room, plopping down on the chair closest to the bed.

Makoto smiled at him thankfully, before he was forced to turn his attention back to the twins, who were now animatedly telling him everything they had told Haruka on the way here. Haruka tuned out the noises that filled the empty hospital room as he watched over the Tachibana siblings, feeling a little more content than he had earlier today. The cheerful expressions on the twins' faces as they told their elder brother about their day full of enthusiasm were honestly too cute, but Haruka would argue that the gentle smile that lit up Makoto's face as he listened to their unintelligible stories was even more adorable.

Haruka allowed the reunited siblings to catch up - though most of the conversation consisted of either Ren or Ran rambling about something completely random - in private, and he rummaged through his bag, trying to find the homework and notes for today.

When the twins couldn't think of anything more they needed to discuss with their older brother, Makoto proposed that they all started their homework. That way, Haruka could explain everything Makoto had missed to him, and if the twins stumbled upon something they didn't understand, they could ask either of them. Normally, the twins would always protest when they had to do their homework, but now they both obediently got their assigned works out of their backpacks. Haruka realised it was probably because before Makoto fell ill, the three of them - or the four of them, if Haruka was there - used to do homework together all the time. However, since Makoto was admitted to the hospital, they were left all by themselves, with neither of the older boys to ask for help. Of course, if there was anything they didn't understand, they could always ask either of their parents for help, but Haruka could imagine that it just wasn't the same. They had always done their homework together with Haruka and Makoto, so for that habit being to be ripped from their lives must be hard for them, along with all the other changes.

They started as they had planned, however, Haruka noticed that Ran and Ren asked more questions than they usually would have. The frequency of their questions was just odd, and they stumbled upon problems Haruka almost knew for sure they already knew how to solve. He didn't say anything about it, though, as he understood that it was just them wanting to fall back into their old routine, even if it was for only a little while. Makoto explaining things to them was just another way of getting his attention, attention they had missed. Haruka thought Makoto noticed this as well, as he patiently explained everything, even if they had asked the same question less than five minutes ago.

After a while, the twins were done, and there was nothing more for them to ask. Makoto and Haruka weren't done yet, so the twins had to entertain themselves for a little while. Makoto lent them his DS and set them up with Mario Kart, telling them that they could each play one race before they had to switch, in order to prevent argument. Normally, a little fight wasn't uncommon between the twins, but now they were quietly playing the game, doing exactly as Makoto had ordered them to. Haruka guessed that they didn't want to ruin their precious time with their brother by meaningless quarrel.

When Haruka and Makoto finally finished up for today, the twins returned to Makoto's side. Haruka allowed them to have a little more time with him before they had to go back home. Haruka did want to get the twins home before it got dark, so they took their leave not long after.

Ran and Ren were disappointed that they had to leave, but they understood. Makoto thanked them all for coming to visit him, and the twins both gave him a hug. Haruka felt a little pang of jealousy when he saw the siblings embracing. He thought it was kind of stupid, as he shouldn't be jealous of two children hugging their older brother, but that wasn't why he felt like this. It wasn't that he didn't want the twins to hug Makoto, but rather that he wanted it as well. He wanted to hug Makoto goodbye, yet he knew he couldn't. So for now, he just had to accept it and return Makoto's smile, as there wasn't much more he could do.

They all promised to return soon, some verbally, others mentally. The twins waved until they were out of sight, and Haruka could catch a glimpse of the smile Makoto shot him before he walked out of the room as well. Perhaps Makoto noticed something off about him when he hugged the twins, and therefore he smiled the way that was reserved for Haruka. Whatever it was, it made him happy, and he smiled back at him.

They left the hospital and were heading towards the train station, the twins' hands firmly clasped between Haruka's, when Ran suddenly broke the silence.

"Hey, Haru-chan?"

Haruka peered down at the little girl. "What?"

"You know, Onii-chan's birthday is coming up."

She was right, Makoto would be turning sixteen within a few weeks. It's not that Haruka had forgotten about it, but it wasn't really the first thing on his mind right now. He doubted it was the first thing on anyone's mind, but then there were the twins, who of course, would always think about stuff like that first and foremost. So Haruka nodded, encouraging her to continue.

"And his room is really boring right now."

"The one at the hospital," Ren filled in.

"Yeah. So Ren and I thought that we should brighten it up a little."

They had arrived at the train station and hopped on the train that was supposed to bring them back home. They sat down on the empty seats.

"Okay," Haruka said, waiting for the twins to further explain their plans.

"So we wanted to make a lot of drawings for Onii-chan's birthday, and then we can hang them up in the room. Then it won't be so boring and dull anymore!"

"And you want me to help you out?"

"Will you? Haru-chan can draw really well! Will you help us, please?"

"Please?"

Haruka couldn't suppress a tiny smile at their pleading faces. "Sure."

"Yay!" the twins cheered.

The rest of the way home the twins discussed everything they were going to draw for Makoto. When they arrived at the Tachibana residence, Mrs. Tachibana invited him over for dinner to thank him for picking up Ran and Ren.

It was weird, eating dinner with Makoto's family, but without Makoto there. He could imagine that it must be odd for Makoto's family as well, when there's suddenly a plate less on the table and you're missing the presence of your son or sibling. The hardest part of Makoto being at the hospital was missing him in their daily lives, after all. You really don't know what you have until you lose it, he supposed.

After dinner he went upstairs with the twins to start on their birthday present for Makoto. While the twins drew whatever they liked, Haruka thought it would be a good idea to draw the people Makoto loved. That way, he would be less lonely if he was surrounded by familiar faces, as they couldn't be at his side all the time. He decided to start with Ren, as he was sitting right before him.

"Hey, Haru-chan?" Ran asked after a while.

"What?"

"Which one do you think looks better?" She questioned as she held up both her and her brother's drawings. The expectant look on both of the children's faces humored Haruka a little.

"Hmm..." he hummed, pretending to be in deep thought as he scanned both of the papers that were presented to him. He tapped his index finger against his chin, as if to emphasize the fact that he had to think about it. "Mine."

"HARU-CHAN!" they both exclaimed in response to Haruka's teasing. The boy in question couldn't suppress a slight chuckle at the children's disappointment. Had they really expected him to pick one drawing over the other?

"They both look equally good. I'm sure Makoto will love them both."

Luckily, they were satisfied with that answer, and they both continued drawing.

"Is that me?" Ren suddenly asked as he looked at Haruka's drawing.

"Yeah," Haruka murmured. "I'm going to draw you, too," he told Ran, not wanting her to become jealous over something like this.

"Woah! That looks so pretty, Haru-chan!" Ran said as she looked at the drawing with wide eyes.

"Thanks."

When the twins kept on looking as he ran his pencil over the paper, Haruka spoke. "If you just keep looking at how I draw, you're not going to finish your own drawings in time."

Those words were enough for the twins to snap out of it and they continued their own drawings.

 

Soon enough, another thing was added to Haruka's routine. Now, he would go over to the Tachibanas to play with Ran and Ren a few days per week. Most of the time, they would work on their gift for Makoto, but occasionally he would play video games with them or help them with their homework, as they normally would have done that with Makoto there as well.

Haruka figured that the twins were having a shortage of attention, as Makoto would frequently play with them or just plainly keep them company before he fell ill. More often than not, Haruka would be there as well, and now they were just by themselves. He actually thought it was kind of dumb of himself, as he had only worried about Makoto and himself, and not about the twins. So now, when he came home from the hospital, he would go to play with the twins, as he usually would've if Makoto had been there. He knew he couldn't replace their brother, and he wasn't trying to, but he just wanted them to have a little bit of comfort, to let them know that he was still there for them. And, he had to admit that he was less lonely as well, when he spent his evenings with the twins rather than by himself in his bathtub, waiting for the water to turn cold, after which he'd lie awake, tossing and turning in his bed, waiting for sleep to finally relieve him from all of his thoughts.

* * *

 

When he opened his eyes, he was in a place he didn't recognise. He blinked a few times before looking around himself. Someone walked past him, and his own legs automatically followed behind the stranger. He ended up in a large room that was filled with a variety of people, all dressed in black. Only then did he notice that he, too, was wearing a black suit. This only added to his confusion. Where was he, how did he get here, and why was he here?

The ambiance of the room was eerie, a certain sadness filled up the entire area, yet he didn't know why. He felt a throbbing, painful sensation in his chest, paired with an empty, hollow feeling in his stomach, but his mind couldn't comprehend the reason behind it.

He scanned the people around him. He vaguely recognised some of them, but he couldn't remember who they were or where he had seen them. Something that he found remarkable, was the fact that there were people of all kinds of ages here; teenagers as well as elderly people, adults, and children. The thing they had in common, despite their differences, were the expressions painting their faces. Though some were worse than others, they all shared the look of grief.

Then, he finally saw a familiar face. Near one of the walls, he saw Tamura-san, an elderly lady who lived just a flight of stairs below Haruka's house. She used to watch over Makoto and him when they were kids, and occasionally invite them inside for freshly baked cookies. Nowadays, stuff like that didn't happen anymore, but she still greeted him every time she saw him.

Haruka decided to head over to her, as perhaps she knew what was going on. He made his way through the crowd, and the people who he passed turned their heads, all shooting him a look of sympathy, but Haruka paid them no mind. When he got closer, he saw that Tamura-san, was talking to a tall, broad man. For a second, he thought it was Makoto, but then he realised that it was in fact Mr. Tachibana. The elderly lady was dabbing at her red-rimmed eyes with a handkerchief, and she looked up when she heard him approach.

"Oh, Haruka-chan," she said, her voice laced with pity. "I'm so sorry for your loss."

He glanced over at Mr. Tachibana, who looked like he was trying very hard to keep it all together.

And that's when he noticed it. At the end of the room, stood a large, white coffin.

It all made sense to him then. This was his grandmother's funeral. Everyone was looking at him with such pity, because his grandmother had passed away. The familiar yet unfamiliar faces had been friends and acquaintances of his grandmother, he had probably seen most of them as a child, and therefore he didn't remember them properly enough for immediate recognition.

He walked over to the coffin, spotting Mrs. Tachibana, Ran, and Ren closer to it. The twins were sitting on the chairs that stood a little off the coffin, looking lifelessly ahead of themselves, but Mrs. Tachibana was standing closer to it, her hand trying to hold back the sobs that wrecked through her slender frame.

When she saw him, she instantly captured him in a hug, and she buried her face in Haruka's shoulder. Haruka returned her embrace, her body shaking with tears. He understood why she was upset; she had been very close to his grandmother after all. Ever since Makoto was born, they saw each other almost every single day, with the frequent play dates he and Haruka had. She also knew just how important his grandmother had been to him, so he was guessing that this hug was for his comfort, just as much as it was for Mrs. Tachibana's.

She released him after a little while, and she wiped away the tears that were streaming down her face. It was useless, though, because new drops formed and glided down her face faster than she could wipe them away, so she gave up after a few tries.

"I'm sorry, Haru-kun," she sniffed, "this must be so hard on you a-and here a-am I-" She didn't finish her sentence, or rather, she wasn't able to, crying too hard to say anything coherent.

"It's okay," Haruka replied. He wanted to say more to comfort her, but he had never been good with words. Makoto was always the one who spoke, not only for himself, but for Haruka as well. He never needed words when talking to Makoto, and therefore verbally expressing himself was a skill he hadn't developed very well.

Speaking of Makoto, where was he? Makoto was always at his side, ready to comfort him the way only he could. He looked around himself, searching for his best friend among the crowd, but he couldn't find him. Makoto should know that in a situation like this, Haruka needed him more than anything, and therefore he was always here. Always. So where was he now?

Haruka sighed. Maybe he would come later. He did want to believe Makoto would abandon him at a moment like this, so he kept faith in him.

While he was waiting for Makoto to show up, he decided to take one last look at his grandmother's face. The coffin was still open, so that meant that it wasn't too late for him to catch a last glimpse of her body, say goodbye to her before she disappeared within the Nanase family grave forever. He walked over to the coffin, and his heart stopped.

Inside the coffin didn't lie the body of his late grandmother.

Inside the coffin laid the body of Makoto, clad in white robes.

Haruka's eyes widened, his breath hitched in his throat, and he slapped a quivering hand in front of his lips, that was the only thing preventing him from screaming.

"Makoto," he whispered, as he tentatively reached out his trembling right hand, the one that wasn't covering his mouth, to touch Makoto's face. The pale skin underneath his fingertips was as cold as ice, and Haruka's vision blurred.

"Makoto," he repeated, a little louder this time. His hand cupped Makoto's cheek, the contact making Haruka feel like he was freezing all over. His other hand joined the other on Makoto's face, now cradling Makoto's head in his hands, as he kept repeating Makoto's name like it was some sort of mantra, as if that would keep everything from falling apart, even when he knew it already had.

A drop fell on Makoto's cheek, sliding down his stiff skin. Then another one fell. And another one. Haruka hadn't even realised he had started to cry until he saw his tears running down his best friend's lifeless face. He swept his thumbs over the trails his tears made, his hot tears making the contrast of Makoto's coldness larger.

He traced his fingers over Makoto's closed eyelids, that hid the green eyes that once shone brighter than the sun, but would never shine again. He grazed his digits over Makoto's nose, that once snorted with joyous laughter, but would never take another breath. He brushed his fingertips over Makoto's lips, lips he had never felt against his own, and he would never have the opportunity to anymore. Lips that would never smile again.

Makoto couldn't be dead. He couldn't be. Even with Makoto's dead body right in front of him, Haruka didn't want to believe it. Makoto's features were calm, as if there was not a single worry in the world. He almost looked like he was asleep, but the fact that his mouth was tightly shut, his chest was still, and his skin was frozen betrayed this.

At this point, he had started to sob loudly, still choking out Makoto's name with every rushed breath he took. He still caressed Makoto's cheeks with his fingers, trying to warm the skin as if that would make him magically come back to life again.

Then, he felt a hand touching his shoulder, gently trying to coax him away from the coffin. Haruka shook it off, refusing to leave Makoto's side.

"M-Makoto!" he cried, "Makoto!"

The hand he had previously shaken off was back, joined by an extra pair, now forcefully pulling him away. He couldn't break free from their grasps as easily as he had before, their combined strength was too much for him. His hands slid down Makoto's face, gripping the robes around his neck tightly.

"Let go!" he yelled as tried to escape the hands that were grabbing him. He desperately tried to hold onto the corpse of his beloved, hot tears streaming down his face as he tried to shake his body out of the unknown grasps. "Makoto!"

His fingers were tangled in the white robes, but it was useless. No matter how tightly he clung to Makoto's body, the hands overpowered him and successfully made him lose his grip on Makoto.

"No... MAKOTO!"

They were dragging him away now, and Haruka struggled to get out of their hold, but it was pointless. "MAKOTO!" he screamed, as he got further and further away from the coffin. "MAKOTO!"

 

Haruka shot up in his bed, panting harshly. His eyes burned with tears, that were rapidly running down his cheeks, his lungs aching as he fought for his breath, but it only caused him to hyperventilate even more. His fringe was plastered against his forehead because he was sweating so much, and he lifted his trembling hand to brush through his black locks.

It was just a dream. It had all been a dream. It was just a nightmare. No matter how terrifying it had been, it wasn't real, even if it had felt frighteningly so.

Makoto was still alive. He may be sick, but he was still alive, safe within the walls of the hospital.

He looked at his quivering hands. He could still feel the icy sensation on his fingers and palms where he had touched Makoto's corpse in his dream.

It wasn't real. He knew it wasn't, but this was by far the most realistic dream he had ever had. This was literally his worst nightmare being played before his eyes, and he just had to keep reminding himself. He needed the assurance that it had been a dream, he needed it in order to keep himself together, but it was useless. His attempt to keep everything together was futile, and he completely lost himself.

He wanted to see Makoto. He needed to see him. But he couldn't. He wanted Makoto to wrap his arms around him, hold him and whisper soft reassurances in his ear. He wanted to bury his face in Makoto's chest as Makoto told him that everything was alright. But it wasn't going to happen.

So instead, he wrapped his arms around his legs, curled up in himself, buried his face in his knees and he broke down, sobs wrecking through his being as the memories of seeing Makoto's lifeless body in a coffin flashed through his mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A big thanks to everyone who left comments, kudos, bookmarks, and subscriptions. It really means a lot to me, so thank you.
> 
> If there are any things that trigger you that you think might appear in this story, please let me know beforehand. I want everyone who reads this to be comfortable, and mentioning the triggers in the notes is no problem for me. Different things trigger different people, so I won't know unless you tell me. Thanks in advance!
> 
> As always, thank you for reading, and if you feel like it, please let me know what you think.
> 
> Until next time!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year! I hope you all had a great time and I wish you all the best for 2016!
> 
> On that note, I'm so sorry this took so incredibly long. I've set multiple deadlines for myself, all of which I obviously didn't make. These chapters just take me a little while longer. Therefore I hope you'll enjoy this, and I hope it's been worth the wait. Even though I always try to update as quickly as possible, there's a possibility that the next chapter will take as long as this one has. However, just because it hasn't been updated in a while doesn't mean that it's not going to continue. I have no intention of dropping this fic. Thank you all for your patience and understanding.
> 
> Same disclaimer as always; I'm not an expert on any of this at all, I'm sorry if there are mistakes or things are exaggerated for the sake of drama.
> 
>  
> 
> **TW: Mentions of blood. Vomit. Anxiety attack.**
> 
>  
> 
> Other than that, I hope you enjoy!

Haruka hadn't been able to go back to sleep after his nightmare. He just kept on crying and crying, like it was all he knew how to do. Every time his sobs seemed to die out an image of Makoto's extremely peaceful face shot through his mind, which was enough to start the waterworks all over again. Eyes that were too far closed, unnaturally so. Lips that were tightly sewn together, never to be parted again. Skin that was too cold, covered in a layer of make-up, serving in order to make the body of the deceased look more alive, yet it only made him look more artificial, more puppet-like. A still chest, neither moving with breath nor thrumming with heartbeat. But worst of all was that voice, that beautiful voice that kept taunting him with whispers of farewell; that hadn't been part of the dream, but rather something his conscious mind created to break him apart even further. And in that it was succeeding.

At one point during the night he had let himself fall to his side, curled up in a fetal position with his hands in his hair, tears streaming down his cheeks as he hiccupped. The grip on his raven locks was tight, painfully so, almost hard enough to rip them out of his head. Somewhere along the way he had convinced himself that the physical pain would overshadow the mental and emotional ache he felt, but that wasn't true; his chest was burning with so much hurt that he almost didn't even notice the pull on his hair, yet he couldn't seem to stop. He felt like he was going crazy, and he thought that this was the only thing keeping him from insanity.

It's not real. It's not real. He repeated those words over and over in his head, but the voice inside his mind was drowned out by all the agony. _It's not real_.

Months ago he hadn't even considered the possibility of Makoto getting sick, and now it had become reality with death as an option, and there was nothing he could do to cure him. Losing him had always been his biggest fear, even if it hadn't been an active fright until it recently became an inevitable concern. He felt like he could overcome anything, shoulder everything the world threw upon him, bear anything but losing him. He needed Makoto more than he ever could've imagined, and just the thought of him passing away was enough to drive Haruka mad.

The night dragged on like this, the sound of his ragged breath and harsh whimpers filling up the room. He felt so small and lonely, like a child that had been forsaken by its mother. He needed Makoto so much, missed him so much he felt like _he_ was the one who was dying.

By the time his teardrops had dried out, the sun was shyly peeking above the horizon. He had cried until he had no tears left and his throat was raw and scratchy. His alarm clock had started to ring, but the noise didn't quite reach his ears.

It wasn't until the light of the sun had entered his room completely that something in the back of his mind reminded him that he needed to get up. He then noticed the blaring of the alarm, but he couldn't muster up the strength to reach out and turn it off.

He contemplated ignoring it and just staying in bed all day, but then he remembered the promise he made to Makoto. He had school today, and he had promised Makoto that he would go there even if the other wasn't with him. Even if he really didn't feel like going - or doing anything beside lying here miserably for that matter - he had to go; if he didn't go then not only he, but Makoto too would miss a day's worth of notes and homework. It wasn't that he cared about his education all that much - if he were to be completely honest he couldn't give a damn about it at that moment, he had more important things to worry about - but he knew that Makoto did care, and he couldn't let Makoto suffer because of the fact that he was being irresponsible.

With just a little more hesitation in his being, he decided to do what he was supposed to. He sighed and untangled the jumble of his limbs before pushing himself off the mattress rather rapidly. He immediately realised that that had been a bad idea; he was hit with an incredible headache. His hand shot up to his forehead, supporting it in hope that would relieve some of the pain. The attempt was futile though, since it did absolutely nothing to ease the intense ache, and the alarm clock that was still ringing loudly on his nightstand didn't help either.

He turned it off then, and when he saw what time it was, he realised that he was already running late. Gathering himself - or what remained of him - Haruka finally lifted himself off the bed, though it took a great deal of effort, both physically and mentally.

Dragging himself out of the room, he headed towards the bathroom. Even if he didn't have time for a bath anymore, he still felt the need to freshen up a bit - he felt as if his face was a mess, just like his mind. His suspicions were confirmed when he looked inside the mirror that was placed above the sink; his hair was dishevelled, bags hung under his red and swollen eyes, there were tear marks all over his face, and even his mouth and nose looked puffy. In conclusion, he looked about as bad and miserable as he felt.

Haruka turned on the faucet, splashing some of the cold water into his face in hopes of making himself look a bit more presentable and not as if he had spent the entire night crying instead of sleeping. It was useless, and after a few attempts of flattening out his raven locks, he completely gave up. It was only draining him of the little energy he had left.

After brushing his teeth quickly, he threw on his uniform before grabbing his bag and making his way downstairs. He didn't have time to prepare himself a meal. Usually he would've been annoyed to have missed both his morning soak and his mackerel, but he didn't even care then. He felt like he was numb; like he had let his emotions run so wild earlier that he had none left. He didn't even care anymore. Besides, he didn't have much of an appetite anyway.

He did get himself some aspirin for his headache, gulping it down with a lot of water when the pill got stuck in his hoarse throat. Then he put the used glass back on the counter, going to the genkan to put on his shoes before leaving his house, sluggishly heading to school.

 

When he arrived at school he was already more than half an hour late. He slid the door of his classroom open and everyone turned their heads towards him, including the teacher. Haruka quietly made his way to his seat, not explaining his tardiness whatsoever. Usually he would have been reprimanded by the teacher immediately, forced to tell why he was late and lectured on how punctuality was the key to succeed in life. When he would get to his seat, the students surrounding him would ask him questions and throw witty comments at his head. None of that happened, luckily. Ever since it had changed from Haruka and Makoto to just Haruka, it seemed like there was some sort of unspoken agreement that everyone had to leave him alone. Nowadays, everyone just left him to himself, and honestly he was grateful for it. It wasn't as if he was previously continuously bothered or anything, but there were always people who tried to chat with him. He didn't have any energy to waste on awkward banter with people he didn't care about, so this was all the better for him. The fact that he now looked as if he were hit by a bus probably did miracles to silence classmates as well.

The teacher cleared his throat to gather the attention back towards himself, and he went on with his explanation. Slowly everyone returned their focus to the lesson, and Haruka searched his bag for his notebook and other needed supplies.

 

The rest of his time at school continued just as horribly; Haruka was so tired he wasn't really able to pay attention to the lectures, let alone take proper notes. It was normal to be fatigued after skipping a night's worth of rest, but the fact that he spent the precious hours of the night crying his eyes out was enough reason as to why he was now utterly exhausted. He even almost fell asleep a couple of times; though every time it happened he was awoken quickly by his own imagination. When his eyelids would grow heavier and closed for just a little too long, the face that made up both his dreams and his nightmares flashed through his thoughts again, startling him awake with an electrifying pang. Never in his life had he expected that attractive face he loved so much to haunt him; both when he was conscious and not, during the day and at nighttime.

When lunchtime rolled around his stomach started to protest, which reminded him of the fact that he had skipped breakfast and hadn't made lunch. The last thing he wanted was to get up from his seat and go to the cafeteria to buy something and honestly, in contrast with the fatigue and terror, the hunger was more a background noise.

Therefore he was more than glad when the school's bell finally chimed, setting him free for the day. He grabbed his things and stuffed them inside his bag as quickly as his tired body could manage, leaving the classroom before anyone else.

Though he would normally crave nothing but his bed whilst being this weary, right now he wanted to be at the place he longed for since he had woken up that night as fast as possible. He knew he wouldn't be able to rest before he was there; by Makoto's side.

His hazy mind was so clouded over with sleep that he hadn't realised he had arrived at the hospital until he was standing in front of Makoto's room, seemingly having gotten here entirely by muscle memory.

He lifted his hands to his eyes, trying to rub some of the sleepiness away before he entered the room. Even if he didn't know what kind of state Makoto would be in today, he didn't want Makoto to notice that his night had been absolute hell. He pushed the door open, unconsciously holding his breath as if this were the first time he was facing this reality - though, in a way, it was. Somewhere in the back of his mind he was still so irrationally afraid that instead of his Makoto, he would find the corpse lying in the large bed.

He stepped inside the room, halting in the door opening. The hospital bed was laid out horizontally and Makoto's large back was facing the door, the boy in question seemingly asleep.

He was frozen on the spot, watching Makoto with bated breath. When Makoto's back moved as his lungs filled with air, Haruka sighed with so much relief, releasing some of the tension in his worn out being along with the breath he hadn't yet realised he had been holding.

Haruka walked further into the room, closing the door behind him. He headed towards his usual spot - one of the seats between the bed and the window - but instead of sitting down, he remained standing, glancing over Makoto's sleeping form.

Makoto's eyes were fluttered shut, his lips slightly parted and puffs of air escaped between them. His body rested in the same position it usually did; on his side, legs slightly pulled up, his left hand lying just below his head on the pillow, palm turned upwards. His right arm was draped over his midsection, the duvet half covering it. The familiarity of the sight before him brought a warm, reassuring kind of comfort to Haruka's frightened heart.

Yet he couldn't help but want to confirm that everything was okay, that this was real. He leaned down slightly, reaching out his arm and he gently placed his hand on Makoto's soft cheek. Warmth. Instead of a cold, icy sensation, feelings of warmth crawled via his arm through his entire body, starting at the place where the feather-light touch connected their skin. Haruka softly stroked Makoto's cheek with his thumb, just like he had before, this time feeling suppleness instead of stiffness.

He retreated his hand then, his right one coming down to Makoto's hand. He lightly cradled his wrist, his fingers searching for that one spot that would tell him he was alright. Just beside Makoto's veins he found it, feeling his slow, frequent heartbeat thrumming against his fingertip. He released Makoto's wrist, moving his hand just a little so it was held just in front of Makoto's mouth. Small, cool puffs hit his skin as Makoto exhaled, making Haruka smile inwardly.

He stood back straight then, feeling more soothed and happy than he had in a while. After being somewhat afraid that his dream would become reality for the entire day, he was now overflowing with relief. Just the sight and the feeling of his best friend being alive was able to do that for him nowadays.

If there was anything Haruka had learned these past few weeks, it was that things are often taken for granted. He had always taken Makoto's presence for granted, not thinking twice about his place in Haruka's life. Now that he had felt what it was like when that was taken away from him, he was able to appreciate Makoto's existence more, as he definitely didn't want to experience it for real, for good.

Haruka had to bite his lip in order to prevent himself from tearing up. Normally he would have been annoyed with himself; getting all emotional over something so small and insignificant. But he now knew that this was anything but small, anything but insignificant. Though he would have preferred that this realisation had dawned upon him under different circumstances.

He grabbed Makoto's right hand, giving it a soft squeeze. It was his way of trying to communicate his feelings, even if the other wasn't conscious at that moment. After lightly caressing Makoto's knuckles for a while, he released his hand and grabbed the duvet, pulling it further over Makoto's body. Once it was wrapped around Makoto's shoulder, only leaving his face and neck free, Haruka sat down in the chair next to the bed, watching over the tranquility of his friend's sleeping figure with ease and comfort in his mind and in his heart.

The serenity of the moment was enough to make Haruka stop fighting the fatigue that was continuing to wash over his being and he gave into it. Slowly his eyes slipped close, and the last thing he saw was Makoto's face before he joined the other in the land of dreams.

 

The feeling of long, slender fingers carding through his raven locks and trimmed nails gently running over his scalp was what Haruka woke up to. His eyes blinked open, and he lifted his head a bit to look drowsily around himself, his sleep-induced mind not fully being able to comprehend where he was. Makoto's smiling face slowly came inside his field of vision, which made him notice the weight of Makoto's large palm resting on top of his head.

"Good morning, Haru-chan."

Hearing Makoto utter those familiar words he hadn't heard in what felt like centuries reminded him of what was going on. He was still seated in the chair, but was now leaning over with his arms on the bed, his head resting upon his limbs. The top half of the bed was lifted, Makoto now sitting up with his back supported by the mattress instead of asleep. His left arm was stretched out a bit so he was able to pet Haruka's hair, tangling his fingers in the soft strands.

Haruka pulled one of his arms up and raised his fist to rub away some of the sleep in his eyes. The minute he did that, Makoto jerked his hand away as if he had been burned and a pink hue lit up his pale face.

"I'm sorry, Haru! I don't know why I did that- I-I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry!" he stuttered, the tinge adorning his face growing darker with every syllable that left his lips.

Thin eyebrows frowned, a look of confusion settling on Haruka's face. At first he didn't understand what was wrong; he wasn't able to see what Makoto was apologising for due to his hazy state, but the fog inside his head started to clear not long after. Makoto had been caught brushing his fingers through Haruka's hair, which isn't considered normal. It wasn't appropriate behaviour between friends, the world had told them. Makoto was apologising because he had crossed the invisible boundary between friendship and something more, or so he seemed to believe. Something that supposedly is unacceptable.

But Haruka thought that wasn't completely true; there had never been a clear line that concluded the lengths of the bond between Makoto and him, and even if such a thing had existed, Haruka was sure that it had been crossed multiple times before.

Still, Haruka felt as if they shouldn't let society dictate their relationship. It didn't know them, could never understand what they were. As long as personal boundaries weren't crossed everything was fine, in his opinion. Though he couldn't deny that his opinion was probably biased by the underlying feelings of affection he had hidden deep within the walls of his heart.

"It's fine," he murmured. "Feels nice," he added not just because it did, but also because he knew that Makoto would continue. And he was right.

Slowly, hesitantly almost, Makoto reached out his hand again, touching the ends of Haruka's black hair like he was afraid to get burned once more. Haruka let his eyes fall shut, resting his cheek on his arm again, knowing that if he relaxed his posture, Makoto would too. As Haruka softly in- and exhaled, he felt the hand on his scalp grow more confident, the tension of being caught red-handed leaving Makoto's body. Haruka was glad about that fact; there should be nothing but feelings of familiarity and comfort between them.

The room filled with silence as Makoto ran his hand gently through his best friend's hair, the innocent gesture soothing the both of them. Though it did feel really good, that wasn't the main reason Haruka had wanted Makoto to continue. He knew that Makoto missed the feeling of his fingers being buried between strands; he used to have a habit of running his fingers through his hair, and now he sometimes would raise his hand to his head before he remembered that he had lost it and dejectedly lowering his hand again. Seeing that happen broke Haruka's heart every single time, because an uncharacteristic pain would flash through Makoto's beautiful eyes, a sadness of being reminded that things weren't the same as they had been, that his life had changed.

Haruka hoped that threading his digits through his hair would somehow comfort Makoto, since comfort was about all he had to offer. He opened one of his eyes a bit, wanting to see if Makoto was just as content like this as he was. A soft, somewhat shy smile lit up Makoto's face, paired with a gentle gaze that was directed at Haruka, breathtaking green eyes slightly squeezed together in a look that could almost be described as fondness.

If Haruka were to be completely honest, he had mostly wanted this for himself. Selfish it may be, he needed this, this reassuring feeling of knowing, of sensing that Makoto was next to him. A sentiment that meant the world to him, a gesture that told him: ' _It's okay, I'm here._ ' Haruka let that comfort him, heal him in the way only Makoto could. The treatment for the ache also the cause of it.

A moment of tranquility shared between two boys whose minds were anything but tranquil. Finding solace and strength within each other. Depending on each other. Loving each other. But most of all, needing each other in these dire times of angst and uncertainty. They knew that they had to keep fighting, both physically and mentally. They'd only had a taste of the storm that was ahead of them, and it was going to be tough to keep standing upright when bigger waves would crash down upon them. A choice wasn't something they had, so they could only support each other for all that was coming.

But for now, they let this calmness soothe them, comforted by the other's mere presence, desperately trying to forget everything even if only for a little while as Makoto's fingers continued to caress Haruka's head.

* * *

 

Days passed and Makoto's birthday got closer and closer. Now, on the sixteenth of November, Haruka was seated at his desk, finishing the last of the birthday drawings that the twins and he were making for Makoto. Over the course of the past few weeks he had made several pictures: of Ren, Ran, Mr. and Mrs. Tachibana, a few of the stray cats Makoto used to stop for and pet on the way to school - Haruka had always feigned annoyance at the other's need to express his love to every feline they encountered, but truly he found it adorable - and, on demand of the twins, one of himself.

It felt really weird and narcissistic to give a self-portrait to his best friend as a birthday present, but Ran and Ren had insisted that he had to draw himself as well; he had drawn their entire family for Makoto except for himself, and according to them, it would be incomplete without him. The fact that they thought of him as part of their family really meant a lot to Haruka, and he knew he couldn't deny their request anymore.

Due to the twins' reasoning, Haruka felt that he had to draw Makoto as well; he was a member of his own family, of course, and therefore it wouldn't be complete without him, either. However, he found himself stumbling upon a problem he had never faced before.

It wasn't as if he had never drawn Makoto before, quite the contrary actually. From small doodles in the corner of his notebook to extraordinarily detailed paintings, Makoto had often been the subject of Haruka's artistic side. Haruka loved to draw Makoto, though he was never quite able to capture every aspect of Makoto's exceptional beauty. His drawings never did Makoto justice, in his opinion. The other would probably disagree with him if he knew, but Haruka never let him know. Even though his image was permanently etched into countless of sketchbooks and pages, Haruka always kept them hidden from the other. He wasn't so much afraid that Makoto would be offended, since he always marvelled at Haruka's creativity, much due to his own lack of artistic skill. But he always respected Haruka's privacy, and only looked at and admired Haruka's drawings when Haruka showed them to him - albeit nonchalantly.

This time he had planned on drawing Makoto the same way he had drawn the others: a realistic portrait made entirely with grey pencils. Unlike with the others, Haruka didn't need a reference to draw him, and he could easily get started.

He was done before he knew it and Makoto's image was staring back at him from the paper it was marked upon, but something hadn't felt quite right. It wasn't as if something was wrong with the drawing itself - the proportions were fine, as well as the facial features; droopy eyes, strong jaw, trademark smile; it was all there. So what was wrong with it?

Haruka stared at the drawing for what seemed like forever before it finally hit him. Surely this was Makoto eternalised on the white sheet, but this wasn't Makoto _right now_. This wasn't how Makoto looked, this was how Makoto _used_ to look. This Makoto was carefree, cheery, but most of all, healthy. Everything the real Makoto wasn't. Though Makoto may seem happy and optimistic, in reality it was a facade, and little more than that.

Feeling as if all of that wasn't an accurate representation of his best friend, Haruka put the drawing aside and decided to try again, now depicting Makoto as he really was.

After a while he put down his pencil, blowing pieces of eraser off the paper, careful not to smudge the lines. This drawing had taken significantly more attention and effort than the first one, as he had to constantly think about Makoto's current appearance, contrasting to the first one where he had just let his hand do all the work. He picked the drawing off his desk and held it out in front of himself, inspecting it closely.

Though the boy that was drawn on this paper was the same as the other, he looked quite different. Here, his face was a tad slimmer, his cheekbones a bit more prominent, but the largest contrast was definitely the missing of his eyebrows, lashes, and hair. His smile had changed too; from a genuine, joyous one to a more forced upturn of his lips.

This was a better portrayal of what Makoto looked like at present, but there was a certain harshness to this image. In a way, it was a grim reminder of the reality they were all facing, and looking at this drawing made Haruka sad. The last thing Haruka had intended for this drawing was for it to make anyone sad, so this drawing was wrong in its own way.

Haruka furrowed his brows and put the drawing back on his desk before grabbing the previous drawing he had made of Makoto, placing it beside the other. He studied the two drawings that lied in front of him. Both portraits were definitely of Makoto, however, seeing them side-by-side like this really showed how they differed. Like this, it looked as if they weren't portraits made of the same person.

The longer Haruka stared at the drawings, the more they hurt. Makoto had changed so much in just a few weeks, and though the most obvious change was very noticeable, the smaller changes had gone more gradually, and he hadn't noticed them this much before seeing two images beside each other. His complexion was different, his face seemed thinner, and a certain gleam had disappeared from his eyes. Haruka bit his lip in order to keep his emotions at bay when he realised that this is what leukemia looked like; this is what cancer does. It's a devastating, merciless force that destroys everything upon its path slowly but oh so quickly.

Haruka pushed his chair away from the desk and got up, abandoning both illustrations on his desk as he made his way to his bathroom. He turned on the tap and took off his clothes, not waiting for the bath to be full before he stepped inside, ignoring the fact that the water was slightly too cold for his liking. When the bath was almost full he turned the tap off again, pulling his legs up to his chest and he rested his cheek against his knees, not minding the goosebumps on his skin.

The whole idea behind this action of making drawings for Makoto's birthday was to cheer aforementioned boy up, and though Haruka knew that all of Ran's, Ren's, and his other drawings were going to do just that, these last two were just not going to cut it. Those weren't going to make anyone happy, all they did was spread sadness, both in their own way. It was obvious he couldn't give either of the drawings to Makoto; not only would they ruin all of the effort Ran and Ren put into the surprise and their drawings, but they could also hurt Makoto like they hurt him, and Haruka didn't ever want to hurt Makoto. He was already suffering enough as it was, and Haruka could be damned if he were to worsen that by something that should do the opposite.

Haruka sighed as he let himself sink lower into the water, thinking about what he should do. He wanted to draw Makoto in a way that wasn't discouraging, to portray him how he really was, not what he looked like on the outside. Not that Makoto wasn't attractive or handsome - because he was -, but at present he looked small and weak, and that wasn't who Makoto really was. Makoto was strong, gentle but powerful, and Haruka wanted to show that side of Makoto on paper. Because Makoto was more than just this sickness. And although cancer was also strong, it wasn't invincible.

Then Haruka knew. He knew what he was going to draw.

And so he found himself sitting here at present, with just a few more hours to finish up the painting he had started just a couple of days ago until it would be Makoto's birthday. After he had decided what he was going to do he had dived head first into the idea, putting all of his time and effort into perfecting this image.

As he worked his mind often drifted back to shared afternoons in a quiet room, to fleeting glances, and meaningful smiles. He'd remember how good Makoto's fingers felt against his skull, how that caring touch soothed parts of his anxieties and fears, at least for then. Recalling that moment brought him strength, it comforted him whilst reminding him to keep his spirits up.

How Makoto's gentle caress slowly put him back to sleep, only for him to wake up a little while later because of hunger. Upon hearing Haruka's stomach rumble, Makoto even offered him half of his dinner. Makoto really was too kind for his own good.

Next to the drawings, other preparations had been made for Makoto's birthday as well. Before the illness, Makoto's birthday was always celebrated at the Tachibana residence with friends and family alike. Now it was going to be held at the hospital with a much smaller group, and the 'celebration' part was highly depending on how Makoto would be feeling. Nevertheless, everyone was trying their best to make this birthday extra special for him, because he really deserved it after everything he had gone through these past few weeks and all of what was still ahead of him.

Earlier today, Haruka had made the cake together with Mrs. Tachibana. Even if the chance was big that Makoto wouldn't have an appetite, they agreed that it wouldn't be complete without his favourite kind of cake. Ran and Ren kept sneaking around stealing strawberries and soon were banished from the kitchen. The twins were disappointed that they weren't allowed to 'help out', but were quickly silenced when they were promised that they could lick the chocolate remains from the bowl and spoon after they're finished.

After he left the hospital a few days ago, Haruka finally picked up Makoto's present. He had known what he wanted to give Makoto since he decided on the final piece, but hadn't found the time to actually go out and buy it. He ended up having to go to two different stores, as the first one he went to didn't have exactly what he was looking for. Luckily, the second one did have it, since Haruka wouldn't know where to go if they didn't have it either. He would've had to come up with a new gift idea, which wasn't something he wanted to do. So fortunately, it all worked out for him in the end.

Carefully Haruka applied the last stroke of the paintbrush onto the paper. Then, he put the brush aside and leaned back in his chair, cracking his knuckles. After hours of working on this piece, of pouring his heart and soul into this gift, it was finally done. And honestly, he was quite proud of it. Not to be narcissistic or to toot his own horn, but it had turned out just how he hoped it would. It looked pretty good, in his humble opinion. Now he only hoped Makoto would like it, too.

He got up and raised his arms over his head. His back hurt from sitting hunched over for too long, and he put his hand on his nape to stretch out his neck. It was quite late already; he had been so invested in finishing this painting that he hadn't realised it was already past his usual bedtime. Only now did he notice how tired he actually was.

Letting out a small yawn, Haruka ran his hands over his face, trying to rub away some of the sleepiness with the tips of his fingers. He looked over his desk. If there was anything he didn't feel like doing right now, it was putting away this mess. He knew he didn't have a choice, though, since he hated a messy environment, and he didn't have time to clean up tomorrow.

So with a sigh he got to work, only leaving the drawing out so it could dry better.

 

The next morning, Haruka was heading over to the Tachibanas. They had told him to meet them at their house around half past ten, so they could all go to the hospital together. Before he left, he made sure he had gathered everything he needed to bring. Luckily, the painting he had barely finished on time had dried completely, so he could take it with him without having to be extremely cautious.

Makoto's family was already at their car when Haruka arrived in front of their house. He worried that he might have annoyed them by making them wait for too long, but the smiles that Makoto's parents gave him along with the excited yells of 'Haru-chan!' made him scrap that thought. He returned their greetings and stepped inside the car, sitting down next to the twins who were already buckled up. Putting the plastic bag he brought with him that contained his drawings and Makoto's present down at his feet, he reached for his seat belt to fasten it. The twins were chattering excitedly like they usually did, and Haruka noticed that they were both holding a balloon in their lap; Ran a green one, Ren a blue one.

"To decorate," Ran simply explained when she noticed Haruka's gaze.

Haruka just nodded in response. Of course children wanted to decorate for their brother's birthday. It should have been obvious, really. He could already imagine how it went: the twins insisted on bringing balloons and other ornaments to brighten up the hospital room and make it more fitting for a celebration, but Mrs. Tachibana had told them that that would be too much. Though she couldn't completely deny them the fun, she offered this as a compromise. Makoto would probably appreciate the thought, too.

"Haru-chan, did you bring the drawings?" Ran asked, interrupting his thought process.

"Hm," Haruka affirmed with a small hum.

"I hope Onii-chan will like my drawings..."

Before Haruka could even formulate a response to Ren's insecurity, Ran already exclaimed, "Of course he will. Has Onii-chan ever not liked one of our drawings?"

"...No, I guess not."

"There," Ran smirked as if she had just made an incredible statement.

Hesitant brown eyes sought blue ones, and Haruka curled the corners of his mouth slightly upwards as he nodded his confirmation. Ren turned his gaze back to the balloon in his lap, smiling softly to himself.

Then, Mr. and Mrs. Tachibana stepped inside the car, fastening their seat belts.

"So, are we all buckled up and ready to leave?" Mr. Tachibana asked, starting the car.

"Yes!" the twins yelled in unison.

"Let's go then!"

 

The drive to the hospital didn't take too long, and soon enough they were standing in front of Makoto's room. On the way there the twins were given another version of the same lecture they always got before visiting Makoto. Now they were about to enter, they were briefly reminded to be quiet and behave, even if it was their brother's birthday. Almost offendedly, the twins huffed that they knew already.

When they got inside, they saw that Makoto was still asleep. Mrs. Tachibana pressed her forefinger against her lips and winked at Ran and Ren, who then mimicked her action. Quietly, they made their way to the bed and tied the strings of their balloons to either side of the foot end. After they were done, they turned back towards their mother.

"Can we wake him?" they asked, their whispering still rather loud.

Mrs. Tachibana contemplated this, pressing her lips together in thought. For as long as the twins were able to walk and talk, they had woken their brother up on his birthday. It usually involved a lot of screaming and jumping on the bed, and that was definitely out of the question now. But besides that, there wasn't a reason as to why they couldn't, and Makoto wouldn't mind, either.

"Okay," she agreed, "but do it gently."

On the tips of their toes Ren and Ran walked over to the side of the bed Makoto was facing, leaning in a bit.

"Onii-chan," they called, "Onii-chan, wake up!"

Makoto squeezed his already closed eyes even tighter shut, making a small noise in the back of his throat as he buried his face further into the pillow.

"Onii-chan!"

Slowly Makoto's eyes blinked open, revealing his green irises glazed over with sleep. As his mind began to clear and his vision started to focus, he saw the toothy grins of his younger siblings.

"Ran? Ren?" he questioned drowsily.

"Happy birthday, Onii-chan!" the children chanted simultaneously.

When he heard that phrase, Makoto looked around himself and was met with the smiling faces of his parents and the ever-stoic expression of his best friend, though there was a trace of an undeniable twinkle in his eyes.

Before the start of this miniature birthday party, they allowed Makoto to freshen up a bit in the small bathroom that was attached to his room. While he was washing up and brushing his teeth, his family made the last preparations for this small celebration. Mrs. Tachibana folded out the board of the bedside table and put the cake on top of it, sticking sixteen candles into the surface. Ran and Ren got their gifts out, Mr. Tachibana got his camera ready, and Haruka used the remote to lift the top half of the bed a little.

When Makoto emerged from the bathroom, he was surprised by hands covering his eyes, effectively shielding his vision.

"Haru?"

"Keep your eyes closed."

Before he even had the opportunity to be confused by his friend's instruction, he felt small hands in his, pulling him forward. He was led back towards his bed, crawling back inside with Haruka's help. Once he was settled, he asked, "Can I open them?"

"No, not yet!"

Mrs. Tachibana pulled out a box of matches and carefully lit the candles one by one. Then, she put the folded out part of the bedside table over the bed, so it hung a bit above Makoto's legs.

"Okay, open them."

Makoto did as he was told, and he saw the cake with burning candles in front of him, his loved ones surrounding the bed.

Ran and Ren started to sing 'Happy Birthday' in loud, broken English, the others joining in albeit a bit softer. Makoto couldn't do anything but smile at his family and best friend.

When the song was finished, Makoto didn't even have the time to thank everyone before the twins excitedly yelled, "Make a wish, Onii-chan!"

"Alright," he replied and he closed his eyes to think about something before opening them and taking a deep breath. Parting his lips slightly, he started to blow out the candles, but halfway through he choked on his breath and erupted in a fit of coughs, turning his face away from the cake with a couple of candles still ablaze.

His mother was at his side quickly enough, gently rubbing his back. Mr. Tachibana walked over to the faucet in the corner of the room and filled a glass with water, bringing it over to his son's side. The wax of the birthday candles was getting hotter and it began to melt. Not wanting it to drip on top of the cake, Haruka blew out the remainder of the candles.

Once Makoto's coughing had died out, tension hung in the room, joined by the smoke that came from the wicks.

"So... uh, what- what did you wish for, Onii-chan?" Ren stuttered. The look on his face screamed uneasiness, like someone was holding a gun against his head and forced him to speak those words.

And just like that, the tension dissolved. They couldn't help but chuckle at the smallest Tachibana, and even Haruka couldn't help but snort at Ren's expression.

"If he were to tell you then it wouldn't come true, would it?" Mr. Tachibana replied.

"Oh... right." Ren's cheeks flushed slightly at his mistake and a small pout formed on his lips.

"So, can we give him the presents now?" Ran asked, successfully diverting the attention from her twin to herself.

"You don't want to have cake first?" Mrs. Tachibana questioned, clearly surprised.

"No! Presents first," she insisted. "Close your eyes, Onii-chan!"

Makoto pressed his palms against his face, knowing that just closing his eyes wouldn't be enough to satisfy his sister, despite her words. The girl in question nodded to her twin brother, who mirrored her action and did what he was silently told. She walked over to Haruka then, and she held out her hand. Knowing what she was requesting, Haruka pointed towards his bag. Ran walked over and reached into the bag, distracted by the size of Haruka's gift for a second before pulling out the papers.

"You're really eager, if you're willing to wait for the cake," Makoto remarked.

"No peeking!" was all Ran shot back at him.

"Yes, yes."

The twins put the gathered stacks on top of the bed before climbing on top of it, sitting down next to their brother's legs, Ren on the right side, Ran left. Reaching behind herself, Ran grabbed the stack that contained both her and Ren's drawings, and she put them on Makoto's lap.

"Okay, now you can look."

Makoto lowered his hands and his gaze fell upon his lap. "What's all this?" he inquired as he grabbed the first paper.

"Drawings!"

"We made them!"

"You made so many?"

"Yup," Ran affirmed, her chest swelling with pride.

"We thought we could put them up so the walls won't be so dull and plain anymore," Ren explained.

"Ran... Ren..." Makoto's mouth had fallen open, looking utterly speechless. He leaned forward and gathered them both in a hug, enveloping them with one arm each. The twins returned his hug, giggling when he pressed a kiss to their cheeks.

"Thank you," he said earnestly when he pulled away, a look of awe settling on his features.

"You haven't even seen them yet!" Ran protested as she pushed the drawings further into Makoto's lap.

Instead of arguing, Makoto picked up the top drawing again, the rest of the family stepping closer to look at it as well.

The drawing showed five light brown spots: two large ones, one medium-sized, and two small ones. When he looked at them closely, Haruka could see that they were actually dogs; golden retrievers, to be specific. Next to one of the bigger dogs sat a small, black spot, that was supposed to resemble a cat.

"That one's mine," Ren stated. "That's you, Onii-chan," he pointed at the large dog with bright green eyes. "And that's Dad," he continued, now referring to the other big dog, this one having darker, brown eyes. "And that's Mom. And that's Ran. And that's me."

Mrs. Tachibana laughed, and she tapped her finger against the small cat. "Is that Haru-kun?"

"Hm-mmh, can you tell?"

"Of course. Look at those eyes," she confirmed, drawing attention to the cat's deep blue eyes. "And that face. That's definitely Haru-kun."

Haruka, who had been focused mostly on Makoto's adoring expression, turned his gaze back to the drawing, specifically the cat.

Except for the eyes, the cat was all black, though despite that, its facial features were still clearly visible. Its eyelids were half covering the blue, its whiskers were long and straight, and a stoic, almost grumpy expression painted its face. Its ears were pointy and the tail was curled elegantly around its paws. It was quite detailed, especially for the work of a child. However, it looked absolutely nothing like Haruka.

"Ah, you're right," Mr. Tachibana cut in, "It does look like Haru-kun!"

"It does not," Haruka objected.

"Let me see," Ran said as she took the drawing from Makoto and observed it more closely. "Wow, it really looks like Haru-chan."

Haruka turned his view to Makoto, mentally asking him for help and support. Instead of receiving that, Makoto's eyes and the smile he was trying to suppress told him that Makoto agreed with his family.

Displeased with the response, Haruka huffed and averted his gaze, a small pout forming on his lips. Haruka's reaction only made everyone laugh, and even Makoto couldn't help but chuckle a bit.

"Well then, let's take a look at the next one." Luckily, Makoto rescued him from the awkward situation, even if it was a bit later than when he'd preferred it. Ran put the drawing she was holding aside as Makoto held up the next drawing.

"I made that one, Onii-chan!" she exclaimed cheerfully.

She had drawn four figures on a playground. On the left side of the paper was a blue swing set, both of the swings occupied. On the right swing sat a little girl with long, dark green hair who was wearing a frilly orange dress. Behind her stood a large, bulky man with a big smile and his arms outstretched. A slightly smaller man was seated on the other swing, his hands wrapped around the iron chains, and the faintest of smiles lit up his face, that was partially covered in his black locks. On the other side of the paper a red slide was drawn, a little boy sliding down it with his arms raised in the air. In the corner of the drawing was the sun, beaming its rays down upon the figures and laughing brightly. An enormous rainbow was the background of the scene.

Before anyone had time to comment on it, Ran began to blabber enthusiastically about the drawing, explaining who everyone was, where they were, what they were doing, et cetera. Makoto just listened, nodding along quietly with that fond look on his face and adding things when thought necessary.

This play repeated itself over and over with every new drawing. Somewhere along the way a nurse came in to bring Makoto his late breakfast, but Makoto decided that could wait until after the presents. After several more drawings, the stack ended.

"All of your drawings were beautiful," Makoto said genuinely, "Thank you."

"Wait, that wasn't all of them!"

"What? There's more?"

Ran and Ren nodded simultaneously, grabbing the stack that still rested behind them.

"But I thought you said-"

"Those were all of _our_ drawings," Ran emphasized.

"These are Haru-chan's," Ren finished.

"Haru's?" Makoto questioned, looking over at Haruka in surprise. Haruka just nodded in response, a small smile on his face.

Ran put the smaller stack that contained Haruka's pictures on Makoto's lap, the portraits all on top of the larger painting, covering it up successfully. Makoto's mouth fell open when he looked down and saw the drawing that lied on top.

"Haru..." he sighed, completely astonished, as he picked up the portrait of his mother. "You made this?"

"Hmm-mh," Haruka hummed.

"It's amazing!"

After that statement more and more compliments were shot in Haruka's direction. With every new portrait praises and expressions of awe were given, gradually colouring Haruka's cheeks a tinge darker due to all the attention as he murmured his thanks. Feeling as if he were put on the spot a bit, he turned his head away, yet he couldn't stop himself from peeking at Makoto from the corner of his eye, not wanting to miss any reaction his friend gave.

Soon they were down to the last drawing, the one that was barely finished on time and differed from all the other birthday illustrations. With wide eyes Makoto stared at the painting that lied on top of his legs.

"Haru... It's so... beautiful."

The ocean was displayed in the drawing, different blues mending together to form the underwater image, almost coming to life on the paper. The sea was decorated with plants and small fish in all kinds of vivid colours. But in the midst of the rocks, seaweed, coral, clownfish, mackerels, and jellyfish swam the focal point, standing out against all of the other sea life and stealing away the attention: a great orca, entirely black and white except for its green eye, that held a kind spark.

Makoto looked up at Haruka, his own green eyes tearful, his chapped bottom lip caught between his teeth, and he spoke with a quivering voice, "Thank you."

To anyone else, this was nothing but a pretty-looking painting, but not to Makoto. Makoto understood what the underlying meaning of this painting was, what feelings Haruka tried to express with it. It seemingly pulled on his heartstrings.

Orcas are strong yet gentle. Orcas have the strength to fight; the power to defeat. Orcas are big and beautiful.

Makoto is an orca, Haruka thought.

"You're welcome," he said with a smile.

The air changed between them. For a moment, everyone else disappeared as their gazes held each other, creating a bubble around them that secluded their own world. Conveying their feelings and emotions through their eyes in that way only they could, until they were pulled out of their meaningful silence.

"Can we eat the cake now?" Ren and Ran asked hopefully.

"Right now? We haven't even finished giving the presents yet," Mr. Tachibana objected.

"But we're hungry!" they whined in response.

Makoto nodded at his parents as if to say, ' _It's okay_.'

"How about this," Mrs. Tachibana proposed, "First we'll get lunch, then you can eat the cake as dessert."

Though they'd rather skip lunch and eat the cake immediately, the twins agreed to this. Mr. and Mrs. Tachibana took them to the restaurant downstairs, asking Haruka if he was coming too. After politely declining, they promised to bring him something when they returned.

Haruka knew why they decided to leave for a moment. The second the twins were out of the room Makoto visibly slumped, leaning back into the mattress as his expression faltered. Makoto always tried to keep his demeanor up when the twins visited, even though it exhausted him to his very core. He didn't want the twins to get hurt or frightened by seeing him being as sick as he actually was. It was already hard enough on them that he had this illness that made him weak and helpless, and Makoto wanted to save them from any more of that pain. So he did whatever was in his might to let them believe, even if that wasn't always possible.

It wasn't like Haruka didn't understand it; he knew that if Makoto was able to, he would put up this demeanor in front of everyone, he just wasn't able to. He was barely able to keep it up for the twins. They only visited about once a week, but with all of their enthusiasm and energy they demanded all of Makoto's attention, and Makoto was unable to deny their requests. Surely his parents had noticed this too, which was why they decided to give him a little break.

Makoto was rubbing his face now, probably trying to wipe some of the fatigue away in order to make himself look at least a tad more presentable.

"You okay?" Haruka asked when the heel of Makoto's hand kept pressing into his eye.

"Hmm? Yeah, I'm fine."  _Liar_.

Haruka wanted to tell him that he didn't have to put up an act in front of him, but he was sure that saying this would only make Makoto pretend even more. And so he kept his mouth shut.

In the meanwhile Makoto's rubbing had stopped, and he was now back to silently admiring the drawings he had been gifted. For a second the light reappeared in those dull eyes of his.

"That reminds me, I haven't given you your present yet," Haruka stated. Seeing that light in Makoto's eyes was really double for him; it made it obvious that the twinkle of joy that used to be ever-present had left and that saddened him more than he could put into words, but on the other hand it was nice to see it return if only for a small moment. Despite this, Haruka wouldn't allow himself to dwell on these feelings. This was Makoto's special day after all, and Haruka wanted him to be able to forget about all of the pain and struggle even if it was only for one day.

"Yes, you did."

"No, I didn't," he insisted.

Makoto's eyebrows furrowed in confusion, looking at the drawings then back at Haruka. "But you-"

" _That_ was _Ran and Ren's_ present. I haven't given you _mine_ yet."

"Haru..."

Said boy went to grab the bag that contained the present, having put it somewhere out of view. Not only was he giving it to Makoto now his family wasn't here because he wanted to distract him from any sorrowful thoughts, but also because once the twins saw it, they would definitely snatch it away from their brother, and Haruka wanted for Makoto to be able to receive it properly before his little siblings admired it close-up.

If Haruka were to be completely honest, he wanted Makoto's full attention to be on the gift when he got it without any disturbance. The reason for that being that he was pretty nervous about this present. It worried him quite a bit. Would Makoto understand what Haruka meant with this present, just like he did with the drawing? If he did, what would he think about it? What if he just didn't like it?

Deciding to just wait and see, Haruka handed Makoto the bag before plopping back down into his chair, silently awaiting Makoto's response. Makoto's eyes went wide and his lips parted when he accepted the large bag, the wrapped gift poking out of it slightly.

Without saying a word, Makoto took the big gift out of the bag. Haruka could see the curiosity in Makoto's eyes, wondering what this large, rather soft present could be as he slowly started to tear the wrapping off.

A small gasp left Makoto's open mouth when the torn paper revealed what was inside. The wrapping was thrown aside, leaving only the stuffed orca in his lap.

"Happy birthday, Makoto."

"Haru..." Makoto echoed, and by just saying his name, Haruka knew that Makoto understood.

Though Haruka always wanted to give Makoto something he'd love for his birthday, he thought that this year it was especially important to give him something that would be able to convey the feelings and emotions he was unable to verbally express. He'd wanted to give him something symbolic; something he could hold on to; something he could get strength out of; something to remind him that he was not alone. When having it near, perhaps Makoto would even think about him, because Haruka wanted him to know that he was there for him every step of the way, even if he wasn't able to be physically present at all times.

Makoto hugged the plushie - that was about as large as his whole upper body - to his chest, burying his face into the soft snout. He held it there, taking a deep breath before looking back at Haruka. And there it was again, that small sparkle of hope lighting up in his green eyes.

"Orcas are strong," Haruka remarked, his voice soft and steady, "And Makoto is, too."

Those words made Makoto's lips quiver, the corners stretching in a watery smile, and his eyes squeezed half-shut.

"Thank you, Haru," he said genuinely.

Even if he'd only said that small phrase, Haruka could hear everything it meant; thanking him for the gift, for the message it sent, for everything. Really, Haruka couldn't do anything but smile back at him, nodding as if to say ' _you're welcome_ '.

Silence settled between them again. Makoto leaned back against the bed, sliding down slightly as he kept the orca against him, his hand gently stroking it. A quiet sigh escaped his lips, smiling to himself as he let his eyes slip shut for a moment.

Haruka watched as Makoto drifted off to sleep, his grip weakening on the toy, yet holding on nonetheless. It probably hadn't been Makoto's intention to go back to sleep, but he had been too tired to keep himself up any longer, Haruka assumed. It wasn't unusual for Makoto to be tired lately; he was it more often than not. So Haruka could only imagine how exhausted he must be right now, even if the day wasn't quite over yet.

In moments like these, quietly sitting beside his friend, the bittersweet feelings hit him the hardest. His mind would drift off, thinking about the state Makoto was in and how terrible it must be for him. But there would also be that small selfish voice in the back of his head that was glad that he was able to be at Makoto's side, watch over him even if he was unable to protect him.

Blue eyes left the sleeping boy. Haruka took a deep breath as he tried to compose himself. He had told himself that he wouldn't have these kinds of thoughts in front of Makoto, at least not today. Makoto would surely notice Haruka's melancholy, and he wouldn't allow himself to ruin Makoto's birthday like that. If sick, sick Makoto could keep up the facade, then he could as well. It was worth the try in the very least.

Not long after this the Tachibanas returned along with the promised tuna sandwich. It wasn't mackerel, but who was Haruka to complain right now?

"I'm sorry, Haru-kun. They didn't have any mackerel," Mrs. Tachibana whispered as she handed him the sandwich.

"It's okay," he mumbled, opening the package and starting to eat. It wasn't her fault they didn't sell any mackerel.

As he took another bite out of the bread he heard the simultaneous intake of sharp breath. Two pairs of wide eyes focused on the same point; the large plushie trapped between Makoto's arms.

Mrs. Tachibana shot Haruka a look, flicking her gaze from him to the orca and back to him. He only nodded in response to her unspoken question.

In the meanwhile the twins had gathered around Makoto's bed, their attention still focused on the toy their brother was cradling. As if sensing their presence, Makoto opened his eyes, blinking down at the inquisitive faces of his siblings.

"Hey, Onii-chan, can we look?"

"Hmm?" Makoto's confused glance fell upon the present in his hold. "Oh... Yeah, sure."

"Be careful," Mrs. Tachibana warned, as Makoto handed over the orca to Ren.

"Wow..." Ren gasped as he hugged the plushie, his arms not long enough to wrap around it completely. After a while Ran asked if she could hold it and Ren gave it to her.

Now the twins were distracted, Mrs. Tachibana gestured towards the closed tray of food the nurse had brought earlier. "Did you eat something?"

Like a child being caught stealing candy, Makoto turned his face to his lap, shaking his head.

"Oh well. I suppose eating cake for breakfast isn't bad for once," she smiled and winked at him. If only she had known she was wrong.

Ran returned the stuffed orca to Makoto, who placed it back in his lap, and Mrs. Tachibana went to cut the cake.

The twins argued about who would get the biggest slice of the cake, and when things started to turn a little too serious, Mr. Tachibana interrupted.

"I know who will get the biggest piece."

Full expectation Ren and Ran turned to their father. "Who?"

"Me."

The look on the twins' faces made Mr. Tachibana smile, and their whine of "Dad!" caused him to laugh.

"What? I'm the biggest, so I should get the biggest piece of cake!" he teased.

"Yeah but... but..." they protested, incapable of thinking of a good comeback.

"I think Onii-chan should get the biggest piece," Mrs. Tachibana cut in, bringing over two plates of cake. "Since it's _his_ birthday." She handed one of the plates to Makoto and the other one, with a significantly smaller piece, to Haruka. Mrs. Tachibana knew Haruka wasn't fond of sweets, and Haruka appreciated her thoughtfulness.

In the end Ran and Ren got slices that were equally as large and they ate it like their lives depended on it. Haruka ate his piece a lot slower, taking small bites rather than stuffing his face with it. As his fork dug into the gooey cake, he looked over to Makoto. Usually Makoto would take large bites, moaning between mouthfuls, chocolate in the corners of his mouth as he'd exclaim how delicious it was. Now, he was just poking at it with his fork like he did with everything else. The look on his face resembled nostalgia mixed with envy, underneath the veil of fatigue.

As if sensing Haruka's eyes on him, Makoto tore off a small piece of the cake, eating it slowly before turning to Haruka with a forged smile painting his features.

"It's really good. Thank you."

Aforementioned reasons were the only thing keeping Haruka from calling Makoto out on his nonsense. Instead he just nodded as he shoved a piece of strawberry into his mouth.

"It's our pleasure!" Mrs. Tachibana answered.

Soon after that, it went wrong. Makoto hadn't been able to eat even half of the slice before everything came back up. He only had a split second to reach for a paper bag - which were permanently kept at his bedside since this wasn't a rare occurrence - to empty his stomach in or else it would have ended up all over his bed sheets.

His mother was at his side immediately, softly rubbing his back like she had before. Mr. Tachibana took Ran and Ren outside the room to give his son some space and to prevent the twins from throwing up too. Haruka could only watch with a nauseous feeling in his own stomach that had nothing to do with the chocolate cake.

The cancer was taking everything away from him; he wasn't even able to enjoy his favourite cake on his birthday anymore. It was really hard for everyone to keep their heads up, especially for Makoto. And just the knowledge that despite everything, he wasn't even able to enjoy the smallest things, hurt Haruka. He couldn't even begin to imagine how it must feel for Makoto himself.

When Makoto's vomiting ceased, Mrs. Tachibana went to dispose of the used bag as Makoto stumbled to the bathroom to brush his teeth. Haruka opened one of the windows to rid the room of the foul smell, after which he went to call Mr. Tachibana and the twins back.

"I'm sorry," Makoto said when he was settled down again, looking down at his lap dejectedly.

"Don't apologise," Mrs. Tachibana scolded softly. "It's not your fault."

He didn't say anything in response, just tightened his grip on the duvet.

"Ah, that reminds me!" Mr. Tachibana suddenly proclaimed.

"What?"

"Onii-chan hasn't gotten our present yet!"

"Ah, you're right," his wife agreed, seemingly having forgotten about it due to all the commotion. She grabbed her purse and got a smaller plastic bag out of it, handing it to her son with another birthday wish spilling from her lips.

Makoto accepted the bag with a murmur of 'thanks'. He reached inside and got out the few gifts that were inside. Unwrapping them revealed a couple of games Makoto had wanted for a while. His mouth curled up in a smile as he thanked his parents again, but his eyes didn't join in.

Mr. Tachibana and the twins left after that. More words of gratitude and wishes of well-being were exchanged, and Ran and Ren made Makoto promise that they could play with his games sometime. They understood that he wasn't feeling well, as they didn't object to having to leave earlier with their father and they didn't ask any questions either.

"Now then, why don't you get some sleep," Mrs. Tachibana proposed once the rest of the family was gone.

Nodding in agreement, Makoto lowered the mattress and lied down.

"Sorry," he whispered so softly, yet both his mother and best friend had heard him clearly.

"It's not your fault," Mrs. Tachibana said resolutely, "You don't have anything to be sorry for. So stop apologising."

His lips parted again, most likely to apologise once more, before closing as he processed the words.

"Just go to sleep," Mrs. Tachibana commanded gently, pressing a kiss to his forehead and pulling the blankets up to his chin, tucking him in.

"Okay."

Within a few minutes Makoto's breathing evened out. Haruka watched the rhythmic rise and fall of his chest, as watching was about all he could do.

Perhaps the worst part was the fact that Makoto felt the need to apologise to everyone; that he actually felt guilty for getting sick. Haruka knew that Makoto thought of himself as a burden to his loved ones, and honestly, that upset him a little. It wasn't as if he had asked for this illness, and no one found him a burden. Yet he kept saying that he was sorry; sorry for hurting everyone, sorry for ripping everyone's lives apart, sorry for unintentionally demanding all of the attention, sorry for being an inconvenience all together.

But Haruka didn't think he was. None of it. Truly, he would repeat this cycle every day for the rest of his life if it meant that Makoto would live, as just staying by his side was enough.

Haruka diverted his gaze from Makoto to Mrs. Tachibana. She was holding Makoto's hand in one of hers, the other softly caressing his forearm, minding the IV drip that was still nestled into his skin.

Only these past few weeks had made him realise what a strong woman Mrs. Tachibana actually was. One of the most horrible things that could happen to any parent had happened to her, she could have completely broken down and nobody could have blamed her for it. But she hadn't. When her family reached its lowest point yet she kept everything together. She managed to take care of the twins, the house, her part-time job, and even found the strength to care for her sick son. All of that without one single complaint. Smiling as she gave it her all, pouring her love into everything she did. Haruka really admired her for that. It was easy to see that Makoto really took after her.

That is not to say that Mr. Tachibana didn't have a rough time, because he did, but it was different, in a way. Due to him being at work for the majority of the day, he was less involved in his son's condition and treatment than his wife was. It's not like that was his fault; he still needed to provide for his family after all.

Out of everyone, perhaps they were the ones who were pretending the most. Having to live with the heartbreaking reality that your child is terribly ill and could possibly die soon, whilst also having to keep up an act in which everything is alright and none of this happened must be absolutely soul-crushing. Yet Haruka knew that they had no choice. They couldn't simply drop everything and bawl their eyes out in a corner, that was impossible. Still, it took a lot of power and energy to keep going day after day after day, and that deserved praise in the least.

If only Haruka were able to be that strong.

The rest of Makoto's birthday passed in silence. After a few hours of sleep Makoto was awoken by another nosebleed, but that was nothing new. Despite his bad condition throughout the entire day, he was able to drink a few sips of miso soup for dinner without throwing up, though it wasn't much more than that. Sleep took him again soon after, and he remained in that state for the rest of their visit.

They left later that evening, Mrs. Tachibana parting from her son with another kiss on his forehead. Wordlessly, Haruka trailed behind her, though his heart was left behind in that hospital room.

* * *

 

December rolled around and that meant one thing: Christmas. No snow had fallen yet, but that didn't stop people from getting into the holiday spirit. Everywhere you looked there were stores with Christmas-themed displays, houses decorated with lights and ornaments, and Christmas trees popping up at every corner of every street. In conclusion, it was obvious the festive season had arrived.

This was around the time Haruka usually started to think about his present for Makoto. After feeling like he had utterly failed on Makoto's birthday, Haruka was determined to make this Christmas as wonderful for Makoto as he could. Despite Christmas being a typical holiday for lovers, this year it was going to be a more family-oriented celebration for the Tachibanas - and Haruka, of course, who had been invited to spend the holidays at their home. No one voiced the reason for this, but they all knew it; this could very well be Makoto's last Christmas.

However, this year Haruka didn't have to think long about what to give his friend for Christmas. His grandmother had taught him how to knit, and he was going to use that skill to make Makoto's present. He had planned on knitting a hat for Makoto, and he'd decided to ask the twins for help. They'd enjoyed making the drawings so much and Haruka figured this was a good way to keep them occupied and positively involved with their brother's illness at the same time. He had to admit it was a good distraction for himself as well; he could get completely lost in whatever he was doing, and it helped to fight off the sorrowful feelings.

Both Ren and Ran were ecstatic about getting to knit something for Makoto, and the added bonus of getting to do it together with Haruka only made them even more enthusiastic.

And so Haruka took them out to go to the nearest store that sold wool. The children were full of glee because of the cheerful ambiance that hung in the shopping district, laughing and pointing at everything they saw. They reminded Haruka so much of Makoto. He remembered how excited Makoto always was around this time, his green eyes lighting up just like Ran's and Ren's were right now. Makoto had always loved Christmas, and Haruka never really understood it. But now as he was looking at the twins and recalling fond memories of a smaller version of Makoto, he decided that it wasn't that bad.

Inside the shop Haruka let the twins pick a colour of wool each. He wasn't surprised in the least when Ran picked a ball of orange colour and Ren chose a light blue one. Haruka himself chose a softer green, and a dark brown as base colour for all of the hats - he wanted to make all of the hats brown-and-other-colour striped. Along with a few knitting needles, Haruka took the balls towards the counter to pay for it all.

After that, Haruka took the twins to a small coffee shop not too far from the crafts store, to let them escape from the swing that was daily life just a little longer. He let them pick a spot as he went to order at the counter; hot chocolate for Ran and Ren, tea for himself. When he got back the twins happily accepted the drinks, thanking him as they took a sip, burning their tongues in the process.

Haruka just watched over them, softly blowing on his own drink to prevent making the same mistake as they had. Then, a small voice in the back of his head tried to convince him that he was just spending time with the twins to try to fill the gap that Makoto had left behind. Shaking his head, he tried to tune out the voice and instead focus on what Ran and Ren were discussing: Christmas with Makoto.

On the twentieth of December Makoto's cycle of chemotherapy would end, and he'd be released from the hospital the next day to rest at home until the next cycle would start two weeks later. The twins were thrilled about their brother coming home, and Haruka would be lying if he said he wasn't looking forward to it too, but it wouldn't be what the twins were hoping for. Even if he was coming home, Makoto was still sick; it wouldn't be the same as before he got ill.

However, Haruka couldn't find it within his heart to ruin their eagerness by reminding them of that fact. Besides, it wasn't his place to tell them either way. Though he mostly only thought that because he wanted to be a part of their delusion for a little while longer.

When they finished their drinks, they went back to the Tachibana residence so they could start on the next project. First, Haruka taught the twins how to knit. Ran got the gist quickly, but Ren needed a little more guidance to get started. Soon enough he realised that hats might be too difficult for their first time knitting. Not wanting to exclude them because of this, Haruka proposed that they made matching scarfs instead, to which the twins agreed with just as much enthusiasm.

Just like they had before, Ran, Ren, and Haruka fell into routine again - the same one they had with the drawings. They had hoped they would be done with the presents before Makoto was released, but they didn't make it. Haruka's knitting tempo was quite high, but Ren and Ran's wasn't, and Haruka had to help them whenever they made a mistake or needed to switch colours. The constant chattering the twins provided decreased the pace as well.

 

When the 21st came, Haruka went to the hospital with Mr. and Mrs. Tachibana to pick Makoto up. The boy in question was still fast asleep when they arrived, so they decided to wait until he woke up himself before leaving. Mrs. Tachibana started to pack Makoto's belongings, Haruka gently removed all of the drawings that were hung on the wall across from Makoto's bed, and Mr. Tachibana went back downstairs to get a wheelchair; walking from his room on the third floor all the way to the parking lot would be too much for Makoto, especially since the whole point of him going home was to rest.

Mr. Tachibana returned soon enough, along with a foldable wheelchair. "They said we could borrow it," he whispered, not wanting to wake his son. After parking the wheelchair in a corner of the room, Mr. Tachibana helped his wife with packing.

A little while later, there were three soft knocks on the door, which then opened and revealed Makoto's oncologist standing in front of the room. She smiled as she asked if they could come with her for a second. Everyone did as she had said and they followed her into an office not far from Makoto's room.

As she was looking through a drawer of files - searching for Makoto's documents, or so Haruka presumed - she told them that she would give them a little more information on how to properly take care of Makoto for the upcoming two weeks. When she found what she was looking for, she flipped through the pages before looking back at Makoto's parents and at Haruka.

"First things first," she started." As you know, Makoto-kun will be off worse than he was before he came here. Since the chemo didn't work as we were expecting it to, not only has the amount of contaminated cells in his blood increased, but a part of his healthy cells were destroyed by the medication. Therefore, please don't hesitate to give a call if anything-"

"What?"

Haruka's jaw dropped and his eyes blew wide as his mind tried to comprehend what Shimura-sensei was saying. His heart was fiercely pounding against his ribs as he slowly processed her words and he hadn't even noticed that he had voiced his confusion aloud.

Makoto was dying. Despite being at the hospital; despite receiving medical care; despite the chemotherapy; despite all of his suffering; Makoto was dying. The medication wasn't working. Makoto was going to die. _Makoto's going to die_.

His breathing became heavier and heavier with every passing second as he realised the meaning of the words. Looking over to Mr. and Mrs. Tachibana in expectation of meeting their equally shocked expressions, instead he was met with sad, knowing faces. When Haruka's reaction hit them, their looks changed from sad to surprised.

"Haru-kun."

Since the realisation hit him, those words kept repeating themselves in his head. Suddenly he felt hot all over, his heart was beating so fast it hurt, his rushed breath got caught in his throat as panic completely overtook his senses.

The pieces of his crumbled world were slowly slipping through his fingers and no matter how tightly he clenched his hands together, he couldn't hold them or stop them from falling.

So he ran. Turning on his heel, Haruka sprinted out of the room before he realised what he was doing. He stumbled around the corner, running into someone but not stopping to apologise. Vaguely he could hear people's voices, but his ears were ringing too loudly to hear what they were saying.

Everything was spinning before his eyes and his sight became blurry, but that didn't stop him from running. He didn't even know where he was heading, all he knew was that Makoto was going to die and that he had to get out of there as fast as possible.

The dizziness soon became too much and he had to lean against the wall for support in order to prevent himself from tripping. He felt like he was about to throw up, still gasping for breath as he pushed himself forward on his quivering legs.

Makoto was going to die. His best friend was going to die. The most important person in his life was going to die and there was nothing Haruka could do to stop it.

He was able to make it out of the hallway but as soon as he reached the elevators he collapsed against the wall. Slowly he slid down until he was seated on the floor, still shaking and hyperventilating heavily. Tears were burning in his eyes and he wrapped his arms around his body, like he was trying to hold himself together. It all felt unreal and Haruka prayed that this was another nightmare, that it wasn't true. But the burning feeling in his chest, the tight knot in his stomach, the sweat that was rolling over his skin, all of it proved that this was reality. Though, that didn't stop him from feeling like he was losing his mind, like he was finally going insane.

The nausea became worse and he lifted his trembling hand to his mouth, trying not to vomit. His vision clouded over and fear overwhelmed him entirely.

The next thing he knew, there were hands on his face. They were small, soft, and felt cool on his overheated, pale skin. It almost felt like he was underwater. He could make out hazy figures before his eyes, but couldn't properly see who or what they were. Noises were all around him, but all he could hear was a faint rustle. His face was wet with what could be sweat, tears, or a mix of both. The only difference was that he didn't inhale any water with his harsh panting, though air didn't make its way into his aching lungs either.

"Haru-kun! Haru-kun, can you hear me?!"

The muted voice sounded somewhat familiar, yet Haruka couldn't place it. One of the hands on his cheeks was suddenly gone before it came back, hitting him in hopes of getting him back to earth. Instead of pain, a tingling sensation spread from the place of the stroke to his entire face.

What happened next, Haruka wasn't sure. He was shaken roughly, but he couldn't tell whether it was someone else's doing or his own. Another blur appeared before his eyes as something was thrust into his face. It was held against his mouth, the rough edges jabbing into his skin, but it didn't hurt. Perhaps it did, but he was unable to feel it, with terror that was screeching inside of him.

Slowly his hyperventilating ceased, though his breathing was still anything but calm. His eyes focused and he saw Mrs. Tachibana crouched in front of him, worry and panic painting her features. She let out a sigh of relief when they made eye contact.

"Oh, Haru-kun, thank God! You just ran out and then I found you here but you weren't responding and you had this distant look and you wouldn't calm down and I didn't know what to do and..." She rambled on and on, but Haruka couldn't keep up with what she was saying. Like he was waking from a coma, he was disoriented; he didn't know what had happened nor how he got here, sitting on the floor of a hospital hallway, his limp arms twitching at his side. All he knew was that one truth - or, what he believed to be the truth.

Mrs. Tachibana pulled him against her chest. Haruka didn't return her embrace. The fog may have started to clear, but his mind was still hazy and he didn't really know what to do. Once she released him, her hands paused at his shoulders, holding him as she continued.

"Are you alright? I was so worried," she said, obviously seeing his distress.

"Makoto-" Haruka whimpered, not able to form coherent sentences, "He... I..."

"He said he wanted to tell you himself. I really thought he had."

"He... Why?!" he begged, his voice sounding so broken it inflicted noticeable pain in Mrs. Tachibana.

"I don't know," she confessed, "He probably didn't want you to worry."

Dumbstruck he stared at her, trying his hardest to string together the mush of his brain. "Worry?"

"Haru-kun, I'm so sorry. I really didn't mean for you to find out like this."

She offered more words of apology, though they all fell on deaf ears. For a while, Haruka just sat there, trying to let the words properly sink in without freaking out again. Eventually, he was able to bottle everything back up, even if only for then. Mrs. Tachibana and a nurse Haruka hadn't acknowledged before helped him pull himself together again.

After he got up from the floor, he was led into a room where he was allowed to wash his face and drink some water before he deemed himself ready enough to face Makoto again. Faintly he could hear the nurse and Mrs. Tachibana talking outside of the room, but he didn't bother to make effort to listen to what they were saying.

When she came inside, Mrs. Tachibana informed him that he would be staying the night at their house. Even if he had wanted to, Haruka knew that protesting would be futile; she wouldn't allow him to be alone at home in a state like this and he didn't have the strength to argue with her.

Once he felt like he had somewhat collected himself, Mrs. Tachibana and he went back to Makoto's room. There, they saw that Makoto was already awake and getting ready to leave. One look into his eyes and Haruka knew that Mr. Tachibana had told him what had happened. He knew Haruka knew.

Though he still felt Makoto's eyes on him, Haruka averted his gaze and didn't say a word. Neither did Makoto. Usually he would've started up a conversation already or at least greeted his friend, yet now he kept his mouth shut. That proved to him that Makoto understood. If he were to look into those breathtaking, dull eyes or were to hear that beautiful, hoarse voice, he was sure he would've broken down again right there, right then. Luckily that didn't happen.

As soon as everything was packed and Makoto was ready, they left the department. Mr. Tachibana pushed the wheelchair and Mrs. Tachibana and Haruka carried the bags. Makoto had protested and said that the bags could be set on his lap, but since they were quite heavy his mother wouldn't have any of it. She'd claimed that his legs would go numb before they even left the hospital.

The entire way, Haruka could feel Makoto stealing glances at him from the corner of his eyes. Despite this, Haruka was still stubbornly avoiding his gaze.

Once they reached their car, Mr. Tachibana helped his son into the front seat, after which he folded the wheelchair and put it in the trunk. The bags were set on top of it. Haruka and Mrs. Tachibana seated themselves in the back, Mr. Tachibana behind the wheel.

The drive home was quiet. Instead of talking, they all just stared out of the window, letting the soft tune of the radio fill up the empty space.

 

Back at home, dinner was awkward. It was just the four of them, as Ran and Ren were staying over at a friend's house and would come back tomorrow afternoon. That way they could blow off steam before coming back home to Makoto. At least, that's what he had been told. Now, he dared to bet they simply didn't know how bad Makoto's condition was and keeping them busy prevented them from asking too many questions, while at the same time it gave Makoto more rest.

The silence was thick and weighed heavily upon their shoulders. Mr. Tachibana tried to break the uncomfortable atmosphere by making small talk, but after receiving little response from both his wife and the two boys, he ceased his attempts.

After dinner Mrs. Tachibana went to do the dishes, and told Haruka that instead of helping her, he should help Makoto with going upstairs and call if they needed anything. Understanding what she meant with that, Haruka wordlessly did as she had said.

Makoto was a bit out of breath when they got upstairs, but other than that he didn't need much help. Entering his room once he regained his breath, Makoto sat down at the top end of his bed. Haruka closed the door behind them and settled himself at the other end of the bed, his back turned to Makoto.

For a while, neither of them said a word and silence hung between them. Haruka could feel Makoto's stare burning in his back, yet he kept facing the door in the hopes of keeping all of his emotions at bay.

After a long, dragged out pause, Makoto spoke.

"Haru, what's wrong?"

His bottom lip began to tremble and he caught it between his teeth. Haruka knew Makoto was just asking this as a conversation starter, not knowing where else to begin, because they both knew what was wrong. He hadn't made a sound ever since he'd calmed down and hadn't been subtle about doing his very best to avoid Makoto's glances.

Makoto took a deep breath before he continued. "Is this about what Shimura-sensei told you?"

Even though he tried his very best to keep everything locked away, every syllable that left Makoto's lips tugged at his wounds until they started to bleed again. Anger washed over him, followed by fear and melancholy. And all the while one question kept surging through his mind.

_Why didn't you tell me?_

"I meant to tell you sooner," Makoto uttered, his voice sorrowful and apologetic, "but I just didn't know how to say it."

With that, all of the previous emotions Haruka felt evaporated into thin air as he was drowned in grief. When instead of giving a verbal response Haruka sniffed, Makoto's voice grew even more concerned.

"Haru?"

Haruka turned to Makoto, tears brimming in his eyes as he choked out, "I don't want to lose you."

"Oh, Haru," Makoto muttered as he brought his hands up in caution, "Please don't cry!"

But it was already too late. Makoto scooted over to him as tears rolled over Haruka's cheeks, wrapping his arms around his shoulders as he began to sob. His fingers tangled in Makoto's shirt and he buried his face in Makoto's chest.

"I need you," he confessed. Even if he never would've admitted it under normal circumstances, the desire to be held and comforted by the one he loved the most; the only one who could stab him, heal him, and tear his wounds back open, made every trace of his common sense disappear.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," Makoto sighed, pulling Haruka closer against himself as Haruka let out broken sobs of his name.

Haruka wanted to tell him to stop apologising, but nothing but whimpers left his lips. However, Makoto still understood him, and closed his mouth as he sat back against the wall with Haruka lying between his legs and against his chest. One of Makoto's hands ran up Haruka's back and he softly stroked Haruka's neck with his thumb, the other one pressing him against himself.

His grip on Makoto's shirt tightened as his crying increased volume. He cursed this body for getting sick. Even though he loved it so much, Haruka hated it too. How could it hurt him like this? He couldn't even envision what it must be like for Makoto himself; being betrayed by his own body.

Dear, sweet Makoto. What did he do to deserve this? It was just so unfair. Makoto was one of the kindest people to ever exist, beautiful both inside and out. He deserved the world, yet he received this, this life-threatening illness that was destroying him from within, physically as well as mentally and it's _not fair_. The rational part of his brain knew it doesn't quite work like that and that people get sick regardless of who they are, but not Makoto. Anyone but him.

Even with the illness, his genuine kindness never wavered. Like now, after having gotten the most shattering news any sick person can get, he's comforting and soothing someone else. That's just how selfless Makoto was, unlike Haruka, who was demanding all of his attention even though he should be the one comforting him instead of the other way around.

The black locks on Haruka's head were tickled as Makoto nuzzled his hair, burying his nose between the strands and pressing his lips against his crown. It's what Makoto always did when the twins fell and scraped their knee or when they argued until one of them burst into tears. Usually Haruka would've feigned annoyance at the affectionate gesture while butterflies roamed through his stomach and set is body on fire. Yet now, he allowed himself to indulge in his need to feel the love Makoto was expressing, in the way he kissed his head, how he rubbed his back, how he held him tight, and just simply how he was always there for Haruka, regardless of the circumstances, Haruka could always count on his comfort. He gave in to his need because this could very well be the last time he was able to feel Makoto's arms around him, the last time they could share a raw moment like this, the last time he could be this close to Makoto before he passed away.

This thought only made him cry harder, hiccupping as his fists clenched around the fabric of the shirt. Trying to swallow all the saliva that had built up in his mouth, which only made it more difficult to breathe. The large hand on his back never ceased its caressing, fingers running up and down Haruka's spine in a soothing rhythm. If Haruka hadn't been wailing so loudly, perhaps he would've heard the occasional sniff coming from above him.

Makoto let Haruka cry without interruption for quite some time, offering the support he was so clearly craving. All the emotions of the past few months had built up to the point where they were overflowing. Though this definitely wasn't the first time he let his feelings run wild, this was the first time he allowed himself to seek that arm around him, the fingers running through his hair, the chest to cry into. With everything that had happened these past few hours, he thought that he would burst if he didn't have Makoto here with him.

Despite all of his effort to keep his feelings hidden from him, Haruka knew he wasn't strong enough to keep up the act for long before he would inevitably break. And he had reached that breaking point. He was going to beat himself up over it later, but at that moment he couldn't care less that he had let everything boil up inside of him. He knew what he wanted; what he needed, and that was Makoto.

"Haru?" Makoto then murmured, the soft crack in his voice making Haruka push his face further into his soaked torso.

Gently Makoto cupped Haruka's neck with both hands, his thumbs on either side of his jaw, carefully tilting his head up. Instead of meeting his gaze Haruka kept his eyes firmly shut, unable to stop crying.

"Haru," Makoto called again, and when he still didn't receive an intelligible response he tenderly brushed his lips against Haruka's forehead.

Startled by this, Haruka looked up into Makoto's eyes. The loud sobbing had ceased, but quiet tears continued to leak out of his glistering eyes. A small smile sat on Makoto's face and he lifted his hands to cup Haruka's head. Then, he began to wipe away all of his thick, salty tears, his fingers warm and welcome against Haruka's red-marked skin. Haruka inhaled a stuttering breath as Makoto pulled down his sleeves a bit and dabbed at his puffy eyes with them.

"Haru," he whispered once more to gather his friend's attention, his expression and tone dead serious all of a sudden. "I can't promise you that I'll get better."

At those words, tears welled up in his blue orbs again, sniffing deeply.

"But," Makoto went on, seeing Haruka's reaction and obviously wanting to stop him from crying again, "I will promise you that I won't give up without a fight."

The opposite of the desired effect happened; Haruka let out a cry of "Makoto!" as he wrapped his arms around Makoto's midsection, squeezing him as he pressed his face back in his drenched shirt, waterworks starting all over again. Sobs of his name spilled from Haruka's mouth as he embraced him like he would never let go. In return Makoto snaked his arms around Haruka's body, tangling his digits into Haruka's raven locks and he resumed stroking his back in that soothing way of his.

"Sorry, Haru," he sighed, "I'm so sorry."

There he went again. Out of all of the feelings one would expect a cancer patient would have, guilt wasn't the one that came to mind first. Especially for someone so young, a different reaction wouldn't be surprising at all. Anger, denial, self-pity; none of it would be out of place in this scenario. If it were him who got sick, Haruka was sure he'd feel those things. But for Makoto, things were different. Maybe everything would've been easier if Makoto were to portray these uncharacteristic emotions. That is not to say that Haruka wished these negative feelings upon him, but anything was better than this crushing guilt. Then again, this was a part of Makoto, and he loved him just the way he was.

For a while they sat in complete silence, save for the sounds of Haruka's crying and Makoto's soft breathing. His face was still hidden in Makoto's torso, blood rushing through his ears as he desperately tried to hold on to this moment, wanting it to go on for all of eternity. Though the situation wasn't ideal in the least, if this moment would go on forever then he would be happy, content. He was home; the place where he felt he really belonged. He would give anything if that meant he wouldn't lose this. To spend the rest of his life here, that was what he truly wished for.

Makoto's chest rose against Haruka's face as he took a deep breath. His larger hands rested against Haruka's shoulder blades, and he slowly placed his cheek on top of Haruka's head.

"Thank you, Haru," he spoke lowly.

Eyes that had been squeezed shut opened, confusion interrupting his pondering. Makoto was thanking him? For what? For selfishly demanding all of Makoto's time and energy? For assuming the victim role, even though he clearly wasn't the victim? For making this all about himself? For only thinking about himself and his needs? For being an egoist, seeking comfort in Makoto and getting his snot and tears all over him?

As if he read his mind, Makoto provided him with the answer to his unvoiced question.

"For caring."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, thank you for reading. Thanks to everyone who gave kudos, left comments, etc. Your response really fuels my engine! ^^
> 
> If there's anything you want to discuss with me, fic-related or not, then you can always visit me on Tumblr at datheetjoella.tumblr.com
> 
> Have a wonderful day and until the next time!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I'm so sorry it took me so incredibly long to get this chapter out. I have no excuse other than the fact that I've been working on my other MakoHaru fics. Again, I'm so sorry. I hope there are still people left who would like to read the rest of this fic, because I still don't have any intention to drop it. 
> 
> Actually, it would have taken me even longer to get this chapter out, the reason for that being that this is only a part of what chapter 4 was like in my head. I decided to split the original concept of chapter 4 into two parts because otherwise it would take me even longer to get it out since I would only be halfway done and then after months of waiting you'd get a huge chapter. I already contemplated doing this multiple times but decided against it every time until I was adviced to do it anyway, so here we are. The good point in this is that I'm already writing chapter 5 as we speak, so it shouldn't take me nearly as long as this chapter has. Once again, my sincerest apologies.
> 
> Besides that another thing I wanted to mention is the High Speed! movie that recently came out. While this is a canon divergence fic and therefore a continuation of the events of the movie, I ask you to not pay too much attention to the movie while reading this fic. Obviously when I started this fic the movie wasn't out yet and I hadn't seen it for the majority of this chapter.
> 
> Other than that I hope you'll enjoy this chapter, especially after having to wait for it so long.

Moonlight was shining through the window by the time Haruka's eyes fluttered open. Disoriented, he lifted his head to look around himself and saw that he was in Makoto's room. He was still lying against Makoto's chest, their arms loosely wrapped around each other and puffs of breath tickling his hair.  
  
He pulled back slightly to look at Makoto's face and everything that had happened the past twenty-four hours shot through his mind. If he hadn't been drained from all the tears, emotions, and energy he had, the dam surely would've broken again.  
  
For a brief moment he tightened his arms around Makoto's back and buried his face in Makoto's chest once more. Rubbing his cheek against his torso and closing his eyes, Haruka sighed before reluctantly pulling back. The shirt that had been absolutely drenched with Haruka's tears was luckily mostly dry, otherwise he would've had to wake Makoto, which he didn't want to do.  
  
One of his hands came up from Makoto's waist to his face, cupping it and stroking the skin with his thumb. He leaned forward and pressed his lips against Makoto's cheek. If this was the only kiss he would ever be able to give him, then he was happy to have at least had it.  
  
After a few seconds he tilted his head to rest their foreheads together. Even if he would never have the chance to tell him, he wanted Makoto to know how much he cared about him, how much he loved him. Though he only had the confidence to show it when Makoto was unconscious, he was convinced that somehow, Makoto would know.  
  
Although he wished to stay in Makoto's embrace for the rest of his life, he knew that wasn't possible.  
  
With another sigh Haruka withdrew himself and climbed out of Makoto's lap. His body ached from lying in the same odd position for a long time and he stretched his arms over his head, his back cracking with the movement. Glancing back at Makoto, he noticed how uncomfortable he must have been, sitting against the wall without a pillow to support his back, his head awkwardly hanging forward. A pang shot through his chest; Makoto was willing to suffer the discomfort for the sake of consoling him. He truly was too good for this world.  
  
If he stayed like this for any longer, he would definitely be sore in the morning. The illness already gave him more than enough pain as it was, no need to increase it in a way that could easily be prevented.  
  
Trying to figure out how to best move him without waking him, Haruka cradled his neck with his left hand and supported the small of his back with his right, softly moving him and slowly lowering him so he was lying down with his head on the pillow. Then he gently grabbed the duvet from underneath Makoto and with a bit of effort pulled it away so he could cover him with it. Miraculously, Makoto didn't wake up despite being moved and touched.  
  
He crouched next to Makoto's head, staring at his serene face and caressing his cheek with his fingers once more. What he wouldn't give for all of this to go away, what he wouldn't do for Makoto to get better. Sometimes he found himself thinking that he would trade places with Makoto if he could, but he knew that Makoto wouldn't want that, that he'd rather shoulder everything himself and protect his loved ones. Yet, Haruka knew that he would do anything possible if it meant that Makoto would survive.  
  
When Haruka glanced at the alarm clock that stood at the headboard of Makoto's bed, he saw that it was already past midnight. It was time for him to let Makoto sleep. He got up and grabbed the duvet, pulling it further over Makoto's body and tucking him in. Then he turned to close the curtains, darkening the room ever so slightly.  
  
With a heavy heart, he tore his eyes away from Makoto and walked towards the door, not allowing himself to stop and look back at the boy's sleeping form. The umpteenth sigh left his lips before he exited the room and softly shut the door behind him.  
  
The futon had been laid out in the twins' room instead of Makoto's room as it usually would have been. That way it wouldn't be in the way in case of emergencies, if something happened or when he needed help directly at his side. Besides that, it would also give Makoto more rest, without Haruka entering and leaving his room as he pleased.  
  
It wasn't that Haruka was displeased with this, he understood that this was for the best, but he couldn't help but feel slightly disappointed that he wouldn't be able to fall asleep listening to Makoto's soft, comforting breathing. He would have to do with the light snoring of Ren and Ran, which he didn't mind per se, but would have a harder time drifting off to.  
  
Instead of going to bed himself, his legs took him down the stairs. It was completely dark downstairs, save for a single light coming from the kitchen. That's where he headed and he saw Mrs. Tachibana sitting at the dining table, her hands clenched around a mug as she was staring at a large book that was lying in front of her on the table.  
  
When she saw him she shut the book and got up, walking back into the kitchen without a word. Haruka didn't say anything either, just quietly sitting down in one of the chairs. He peered at the cover of the book, but the dim light that illuminated the room wasn't bright enough for him to make out what it said. Judging by the thickness of the pages, it was most likely a photo album.  
  
After a minute or two Mrs. Tachibana returned with another steaming cup and she handed it to Haruka, who accepted it with a small nod. Now she was closer to him, Haruka was able to look at her face properly. Her cheeks were red and her eyes puffy, so she had probably been crying when Haruka came in.  
  
Haruka didn't mention it, simply taking a sip of the drink he had been given. Chamomile tea, he concluded, the liquid burning his tongue a little. The warmth of the tea did nothing to soothe his aching heart. Mrs. Tachibana sat back down in her seat but she didn't open the album, instead wrapped her hands around her mug again.  
  
For a while they sat together, sipping their tea and collecting their thoughts. The hecticness of the day had worn them out completely. Silence filled the air between them, neither needing words to know that their feelings were the same. The quiet comfort of the presence of someone who knew exactly what they were feeling and going through calming them. An odd sense of tranquility that spoken words would only ruin.  
  
As soon as his cup was empty, he got up and went to put it on the counter. Another nod was all he bid Mrs. Tachibana as he left the room, leaving her so she could process everything in solitude, so she could let everything go before being forced to put the mask back on when the morning came.

Once he was done brushing his teeth he returned to the twins' room to change his clothes before he went to sleep. The futon was cold as he lied down and he curled up into himself, pulling the duvet up to his chin. The feeling of a room swallowing him had become quite familiar to him these past few months. A single tear fell from his eye and rolled down his skin.

* * *

 

Just like Haruka had expected, both Ran and Ren had imagined things to be completely different now that their brother was home. They thought that since Makoto was home now, that meant that he was better, like he was only sick when he was at the hospital. Even though their parents had carefully explained that Makoto would come home to rest, that he was still very sick and would need to be left alone for the majority of the time so he could sleep and that therefore they would have to be quieter than usual, the enthusiasm of the twins overshadowed their ability to properly comprehend the words they had been told.  
  
So they were tremendously disappointed when they came back the next day with an entire mental list of things they planned to do with their brother the upcoming two weeks and were reminded of Makoto's illness by witnessing it first hand.  
  
It hurt Makoto so much to see their saddened faces and to know that he was unable to meet their expectations, and he wanted to do everything in his might to cheer them up.  
  
The first thing the twins wanted to do was putting up the Christmas tree. It was something they did every single year and this one was no different. Even if he wouldn't be able to help decorate the tree, Makoto had requested to be moved downstairs so that he could at least watch and give his siblings the feeling that he was still a part of it.  
  
The couch was turned into Makoto's make-shift bed for the afternoon so he wouldn't miss out on any of the festivities nor get too tired from attending it.  
  
After confirming with Makoto that it was okay, Mrs. Tachibana turned on the radio and the soft tune of Christmas carols became the background music of the scene, filling up the emptiness in the hopes of giving them a more holiday-like feeling. Needless to say, because of the circumstances, holiday spirit wasn't anywhere near their mindset - save for the twins'.  
  
Impatiently the twins waited for their father and Haruka to put up the tree - they always had a fake one since Mrs. Tachibana was allergic to real pine trees - and to wrap it in colourful lights before they could hang the ornaments in it. In the meanwhile they sat themselves down at Makoto's foot end and told him all about the sleepover they had at their friend's house. Makoto just smiled through the entirety of their story, his true feelings perfectly shielded as he assumed the role of the sick-but-not-too-sick elder brother.  
  
When his mother whisked them away so they could 'help her with putting up other ornaments around the house', Makoto only gave her a look that said that it was all fine, but Mrs. Tachibana wouldn't have any of it. Like Haruka, she saw right through Makoto's act, but she also knew that there wasn't anything they could say to Makoto to make him drop it.  
  
Soon the tree was all set and ready to be decorated. Eagerly the twins got to work, picking out balls in their favourite colour and hanging them in the tree. Numerous of other decorative and seasonal items joined the balls in the tree, filling up the empty spaces on the branches.  
  
Haruka let them have their fun, taking his place on the other end of the couch next to Makoto's feet and watching the excited children together with their brother. The familiar look of fondness lit up Makoto's pale face as he witnessed his siblings' antics, unknowingly bringing a surge of warmth to Haruka's heart.  
  
It didn't take long until Ran and Ren were finished and all of the ornaments were hanging in the tree; some branches were still empty while others were filled with an abundance, but honestly, it didn't matter. It wasn't a contest of having the most breathtaking and outstandingly beautiful tree, it was a tree which the children had enjoyed to decorate in their own little way. Truly, it couldn't have looked any better. All that was left was the grand finale; the golden star topper. However, this brought on a little issue; who was going to put it on top?  
  
In previous years, Ren and Ran always argued who was allowed to finish up the tree with the topper. Every year again there was the same conflict. As a compromise, Makoto would always lift them up, Ren on his left arm and Ran on his right, so they could put it on together. That way, they both got what they wanted without one of them feeling left out.  
  
This year it was different. Makoto's illness had weakened him considerably and he wouldn't have the strength to lift the children separately, let alone both at the same time.  
  
The room was silent as they quickly tried to find a solution to this problem. If he'd been able to, Haruka would've offered to lift the twins, but he wasn't strong enough to lift them both that high at the same time. The only person who'd be able to do it at that moment was their father. However, no matter who did it, it would never be the same for them as when their brother did it.  
  
Hesitantly, Ran and Ren looked at each other, neither daring to ask the question that was weighing on all their minds. Haruka turned his head towards Makoto and saw that he was seriously considering to try to lift them like he usually did. Just as he was about to open his mouth to voice his contemplation, Mr. Tachibana spoke.  
  
"Why don't we let Haru-kun put the star on top this year? You do it every year, so it's only fair that Haru-kun gets a turn as well, right?"  
  
The twins eagerly agreed to that and Makoto let out a sigh, but Haruka could tell that it wasn't simply a sigh of relief. Rather than that, it was more of a sigh of disappointment. It was written all over his face; he was disappointed in himself for having to let down his siblings once again, for being unable to complete the smallest of tasks once again.  
  
It was really time for him to stop feeling so guilty about everything. It wasn't like he had asked for this, and while the twins were small and sometimes upset, it wasn't as if they blamed him for it. Though they didn't exactly understand the situation, truly they were handling it as well as they could. So, there really wasn't any reason for Makoto to feel like he was constantly failing them, as Ran and Ren clearly didn't give off that vibe.  
  
"Don't push yourself," Haruka muttered, soft enough so only Makoto would hear him as he reassuringly rubbed Makoto's knee. Then, Haruka got up and received the star Ran handed to him, standing on his toes to place it on top of the tree.  
  
When he sat back down on the couch, Makoto sought out his eyes and nodded, shooting him a small, apologetic smile. In response Haruka shook his head, letting him know for the millionth time that he didn't need to be sorry.  
  
The smell of chocolate filled the room as Mrs. Tachibana walked in with a tray with six steaming mugs on top. She placed it on the salon table and started to hand out the drinks, reminding everyone - but the twins especially - that they should watch out as the drinks were hot.  
  
Despite not being too fond of hot chocolate, Haruka accepted it with a small nod of gratitude. Usually he would've drank about half of it and would pass the rest to Makoto, who would gladly finish Haruka's share as well. That wouldn't be possible right now, as Haruka was sure that Makoto wouldn't even finish his own drink. So instead, Haruka just took small sips, softly blowing every once in a while to cool the liquid.  
  
As impatient as ever, Ren and Ran only blew twice before trying to down the drink in big gulps, both burning their tongue and throat in the process. Their mother chided them for their gluttonous behaviour, telling them to slow down and wait for it to cool.  
  
Once most mugs were empty - Makoto had only finished about a third of his, like Haruka had predicted - Mrs. Tachibana gathered them to take back to the kitchen while Mr. Tachibana started to clear away the boxes of the tree and ornaments. It was then that Makoto retreated to his room so he could sleep; despite having seemingly done nothing more but watch, it was obvious he was exhausted from keeping his demeanour up.  
  
When Haruka was done helping Mr. Tachibana to return the mostly empty boxes to the attic, he went back to his own house. He would be spending the winter break over at Makoto's house and while he had enough of his stuff over at the Tachibana residence to last a few days, it would be good to have some more things so he wouldn't have to go back and forth between the two houses so much. Even though they were only apart by a flight of stairs, that didn't mean that he wanted to go through the effort of going back to his house in the cold winter weather. Besides that, he also needed to get part of Makoto's Christmas present so he could finish it before Christmas Eve and the homework assignments that he hadn't even started yet.  
  
The rest of the afternoon and evening he spent trying to finish up Makoto's present. Ran and Ren had offered to help him out but Haruka had declined. It was only a few more days until Christmas and he wanted to make sure that everything was finished by then, which was something that couldn't be guaranteed with the twins' knitting tempo. That, and while the twins had enjoyed making something for their brother, they were children who didn't really have a long attention span and knitting wasn't exactly the most fun activity there was. Knowing that they would rather go play, Haruka let them off the hook.

* * *

 

Snow had begun to fall the next morning, coating the streets and rooftops in a cloak of white. No one was more gleeful about being blessed with a white Christmas than Ren and Ran. They were literally jumping up and down with elation and they couldn't wait until they could go out and play. The rest of their family was a bit less happy with the sudden snowfall; because of sickness and the treatment for aforementioned sickness, Makoto's immune system had weakened and he would be more susceptible to getting a cold or fever, which was something he really didn't need right now.  
  
Though the twins were disappointed that their brother couldn't be there to join in on the fun, they were still ecstatic about building snowmen and having snowball fights. When they were all dressed up in thick winter coats, scarfs, hats, and mittens, they went out in the back yard to play.  
  
They had invited Haruka go out and play with them, but he had to decline once more, saying that he needed to finish their brother's present. While that technically wasn't a lie, it wasn't the whole truth either; he was almost done and after that all that was left was to wrap everything, which was nothing he couldn't do in an hour or less. It wasn't that he didn't want to play with the twins, but he'd rather be alone for a while.  
  
He often had the need to be alone for some time, which was a pretty difficult thing to manage in the Tachibana house, with the twins buzzing around all the time like moths drawn to a flame. This wasn't something he minded, per se, but sometimes he had to have a little break from it all. And lately, it seemed as if those breaks were needed more and more frequently.  
  
Perceptive as always, Mrs. Tachibana told him that when he was done with his gift wrapping, he should go take a bath. He took her up on that offer, familiarity of craving to feel the water seeping into his bones.  
  
Once he had wrapped everything as neatly as he could, he put it away between his belongings and went to the bathroom to turn on the bathtub's faucet. The water was hotter than he would've liked but it was not the right temperature outside to take a cold soak and like anyone else, he couldn't risk getting sick and endangering his friend because of something as ignorant and stupid as bathing in cold water in the middle of winter.  
  
When the bath was full, he stepped inside and sat down, staring outside through the small bathroom window. A wave of nostalgia hit him as he watched the snowflakes fall, making him reminisce about previous winters.  
  
Memories of when they were younger, of times when he was still taller than Makoto, of times when they were still blissfully unaware of the world around them and were each other's entire universe. Mostly they were just normal memories; making snow angels with Makoto, building snowmen together as well as other sculptures that always left Makoto feeling disappointed in himself because he found the things he made to be lacking and not as beautiful as the ones Haruka made, after which Haruka would start a snowball fight to cheer him up because he just couldn't stand to see him upset and wouldn't stop until he was giggling again.  
  
But there was one memory in particular he held dear, one memory that made his chest burn with longing of the past. One time Makoto and he made an igloo that was pretty big; big enough for the both of them to fit inside. It was kind of silly, but back then he had somewhat seen it as their own little house, so he tried the best he could to make it perfect. He had even built a shelf in it, to make it more complete. It wasn't as if he sincerely believed that they could really live in there since obviously that was impossible, but he had considered it to be practice so that one day, when they were older, he could build a house they would be able to live in forever.  
  
Makoto had loved it and praised it to the heavens, which made Haruka shyly avert his eyes and mutter something about it being nothing special but truly, Makoto's words made him beam with pride on the inside. Even back then, Haruka had known that Makoto was special to him, that he was different from everyone else.  
  
When they were done with their igloo, they had gathered stuff from inside to make it even more homely. Wrapped up in a thick blanket they had fallen asleep, huddled close together in their icy house. A while later they had been awoken by their worried mothers and the next day they were both bedridden with a cold. Looking back on it, it might not have been the wisest decision they had ever made, but they were still young and didn't know any better, and honestly, remembering the wide grin on Makoto's face, the sparkle in his eyes, and the way they had cuddled closely together, Haruka knew that it had been totally worth it and he would do it all over again in a heartbeat. If only there was a way to return to those times of childhood happiness.  
  
Of course, that wasn't possible. The past was the past. It was over and done. There wasn't anything that could rewind the time. But if there was, would he be able to stay trapped in the past without worries and just child-like innocence? If he wished hard enough, could he find a way to go back and change the future? Could he prevent things from turning out like this, prevent Makoto from getting sick?  
  
Haruka let out a big sigh and splashed some water from the tub into his face. He had always considered himself to be pretty down to earth, but the circumstances made him delusional, made him hope and wish for things only a child would come up with.  
  
There wasn't anything to do but hope and pray that he would be able to relive the past events in the future. Wish that a day would come when he and Makoto would build another igloo.

 

That evening gave him a bit more faith to hold onto. After having slept practically the entire day, Makoto had woken up feeling better than he had in a while. It was true that people felt better in the familiar environment of their own home than at the hospital, Haruka supposed.  
  
Mrs. Tachibana had sent him upstairs with dinner for both Makoto and him, so Makoto wouldn't have to waste any energy by going downstairs yet still had company. Food just tastes better when someone else is enjoying it with you, she had said.  
  
It was nice, eating dinner with Makoto like they hadn't done in a while. It wasn't like they hadn't eaten together since Makoto got sick, but it was just different when he was the only one who was really eating and Makoto was just melancholically staring at the food on his plate.  
  
Now, the ever-present nausea had taken a step back to let Makoto eat for once without feeling like it was going to come back up with every single bite. He didn't eat as much as he used to before he got sick, but it was an improvement and improvement was always welcome, no matter what way.  
  
When they were done eating and Haruka had taken their plates downstairs, Makoto proposed to play some games together. After confirming that he was feeling well enough, Haruka had agreed with a small smile. He understood that Makoto missed spending time with him like they did before the cancer just as much as he himself did, that he missed their calm and easygoing friendship. Again, it wasn't like they didn't see each other regularly anymore, but it felt different. It was different.  
  
For some time, they played together. For some time, they could pretend that everything was back to normal, that none of this was happening. For some time, they were just them, Makoto and Haruka, best friends playing video games together like they did on a regular basis. And for some time, living in a beautiful illusion was better than having to face and accept the cruel reality.  
  
Unfortunately, everything good has to come to an end at some point. Usually it would be Haruka who would get tired first, pushing himself to the point when he couldn't hold his eyes open any longer; sometimes it got so bad that Makoto had to practically drag him to the bathroom to brush his teeth. But now, it was Makoto who was frequently yawning and had suggested to go to bed. If there was anything he was supposed to be fighting, sleep wasn't it.  
  
This time it was Haruka who supported Makoto on the way to the bathroom, gently holding his arm so he wouldn't stumble in a mix of fatigue and weakness. Like a switch had been flipped, he wasn't feeling as good anymore as he had a mere hour ago. This made Haruka realise that Makoto had knowingly overdone it, just for the sake of spending some quality time with him.  
  
The feelings he had about this were all over the place. On one hand he was upset with Makoto for putting up that tiring demeanour for him against better knowledge and upset with himself for not noticing that his best friend was forcing himself to act like this. But on the other hand, it made him happy to know that Makoto would do this for him, that he wasn't the only one who craved the other's company, and he was glad to have had this moment with Makoto. 'Count your blessings' is what everyone always said, yet Haruka had never understood it as much as he did now.  
  
Back in Makoto's room, it didn't take long for Makoto to fall asleep. Nowadays he always drifted off almost immediately, unlike Haruka who seemed to have a harder time falling asleep each and every night. To say that worry and concern was keeping him up at night would be nothing short of an understatement.  
  
For another minute he knelt beside Makoto's bed and watched the gentle rise and fall of Makoto's chest. He seemed to be doing that a lot lately and while it could be considered creepy, it was one of the few things that comforted him. Allowing himself to indulge a little more, he pulled the duvet further over Makoto's body and grabbed Makoto's hand from underneath it, rubbing circles on his knuckles.  
  
Despite never having been a touchy-feely person, as of lately he found himself yearning for physical contact more and more, specifically with Makoto. It wasn't as if he had minded Makoto's touch in the past; he had even enjoyed it then, but never had he longed for it like he had for these past few months. The simple desire to feel Makoto's hand in his, to have Makoto's arms embracing him and holding him tight, effectively shielding him from the world of hurt around them, to run his fingers through Makoto's ever-soft hair... but he couldn't. All he could do right now was caress Makoto's fingers and hope for the day to come when this was possible again.  
  
"Don't push yourself," Haruka whispered with a final brush of his thumb over Makoto's smooth hand.  
  
Then, he gathered himself and got up, heading to bed in the room next to this one. Slowly he opened the door as to not disturb the children's sleep, but it still creaked a bit with the motion.  
  
The twins were both lying in their beds, seemingly asleep, yet Haruka could tell by the lack of snoring and the irregularity of their harsh breathing that they were still awake. He didn't say anything though, instead lied down on the futon. Staring up at the ceiling - that was still a bit visible thanks to the small nightlight that was plugged into the power outlet between the two beds - he waited for one of them to say something.  
  
"Haru-chan?"  
  
It was Ren's voice that sounded out, speaking in a tone that was just above a whisper. He sounded unsure, like he was doubting what he was about to ask and if he was allowed to say it. There was also a trace of desperation and sadness in his voice, indicating that whatever it was, it was weighing on him.  
  
"What?" Haruka responded, encouraging Ren to say what was on his mind.  
  
"Is Onii-chan going to die?"  
  
Those words were like a punch in Haruka's gut, rendering him speechless. His mouth had fallen open a bit because of the unexpected question he had no idea how to answer. But even if he had known what to say, there was no time for him to give an answer before he would have been interrupted.  
  
"Ren!" Ran yelped, loud enough to be heard downstairs and she shot up in her bed. Her reaction clearly told Haruka that the twins had discussed this and that, in her eyes, they had agreed _not_ to talk about this.  
  
"But... but!" Ren protested as he sat up as well. "I've asked Mommy about it before and she always says 'of course not' and that Onii-chan is going to be fine, but then sometimes when I go to the bathroom at night I can hear Mommy crying. If Onii-chan is going to be fine, then why is Mommy crying? That means that Onii-chan is going to die, right? I don't want him to die!"  
  
By the time Ren stopped rambling, Haruka had leaned up as well, turning his head towards the twins. Ran seemed nothing short of distressed and Ren didn't only sound but also looked to be on the verge of tears.  
  
"No! That's not true, right?" Ran cut in, her voice quivering as if she didn't completely believe what she was saying. "Onii-chan isn't going to die, right? He's going to get better, right? Of course he is! He has to! He can't die!" Tears were brimming in her teal eyes now too, nodding her head vigorously like she was trying to convince herself and the others that what she was saying was true. With a small, broken voice, she continued, "Onii-chan is going to get better, right, Haru-chan?"  
  
Haruka took a deep breath as he tried to collect his thoughts. The twins were more perceptive than they got credit for and could easily detect when someone was being dishonest. So in order to learn the truth, they had considered asking the one who never treated them like they were just kids but rather as an equal, the one who had yet to lie to them, the only one who they knew would be honest with them for sure.  
  
Looking for the right words to say, Haruka swallowed a few times to try to get rid of the lump in his throat, but it was to no avail.  
  
What was he supposed to say to something like this? Whenever Haruka didn't know how to respond to something, Makoto would always save him and answer for him. But now, he knew he was on his own, and there was absolutely no way for him to back out of this. He had to answer. Even if he would have loved to assure the twins that Makoto was going to be fine, he knew he couldn't. Ran and Ren deserved to know the truth.  
  
"I don't know," he muttered after a while of contemplation. It was the truth; he didn't know. Not knowing something had never been so frightening before.  
  
Biting his lip, he turned back to face the door as he tried to formulate what he could say, since he couldn't just leave them hanging like that. Despite not being able to assure them that Makoto would get better, they still needed to be put at ease so they wouldn't break down with uncertainty. So that they could keep moving forward without looking back, without unintentionally holding Makoto back.  
  
"Uh..." he tried, adjusting himself so that he was able to look at the children. Sorting out the thoughts in his mind, he attempted to explain it as well as he could to the twins. "Do you think your brother is strong?"  
  
"Of course!" Ran immediately chimed in.  
  
"Yeah!" Ren agreed, "Onii-chan is the strongest person ever!"  
  
"He is," Haruka concurred, already having expected this reaction. "But, cancer is also very strong."  
  
"But not stronger than Onii-chan, right?" Ran asked in a mix of hope and despair.  
  
"We don't know. Right now, Makoto is fighting it very hard, but fighting makes him very tired. So, for him to be able to keep up with fighting it, he needs to sleep and rest a lot. Um, he... To help him, he gets medicine to fight the cancer with. Without it, he can't get better. But, the medicine isn't perfect and for him to use it against the cancer, he also has to use it against himself. So he gets sick and it made his hair fall out and uhh-"  
  
"But isn't medicine supposed to make him better?" Ran inquired. "Mommy said that the medicine was to get him better."  
  
"Well, yes," Haruka said, running a hand through his fringe in thought. He knew that their parents had already tried to explain it to them back when Makoto was first diagnosed, but he figured that there was nothing wrong with freshening it up. Perhaps they would even understand it a bit better now. "Medicine is to make him better, but since it's a very strong medicine, getting it hurts him as well. Like, he gets the medicine to destroy the bad cells in his blood, but the medicine is kind of dumb so it doesn't know which cells are bad and which cells are good. So it has no other choice but to destroy all the cells it sees, because it can't risk to let a bad cell get away..."  
  
The sad looks on Ran and Ren's faces were replaced with looks of confusion. "But then doesn't the medicine also fight against Onii-chan? Isn't the medicine trying to kill him as well?"  
  
"Well, yes, no, uh..." Haruka sighed, trying to find a way to explain it to the children which they would understand, a less medical way and in a way that hit closer to home. A way Makoto would have explained it. "Imagine that your brother is a knight, alright?"  
  
"Okay," they spoke in unison.  
  
"The cancer is an evil villain. The medicine is Makoto's sword to fight the villain with. But the sword is very heavy and has no hilt, so to use it he has to hold the blade with his hands. The villain also has a sword, but this sword is way better and easily pierces through Makoto's armour."  
  
"That's unfair!" Ren objected.  
  
"It is. This battle is very unfair, but your brother has no choice but to fight it. Without the sword, he has absolutely no chance of winning, so he has to use it. When he is using it, the blade cuts in his hands and the tighter he holds it, the more it hurts - so, the more medicine he gets, the sicker he gets. The villain is very strong so to fight it, Makoto needs to hold to sword tightly and to try really hard and use all of his strength to defeat it. Because the sword hurts his hands so much, he also gets gloves - which are other medicine to protect him a little from the strong medicine. Unfortunately, the gloves aren't very thick, and while they relieve the pain a little, they don't take it away completely.  
  
"We don't know who is going to win but with the way things are going right now it isn't looking so good for your brother. It's not that he can't win anymore, but the cancer is a little bit stronger than him. So for now, Makoto has dropped the sword to let the wounds on his hands heal a bit and when he goes back to the hospital, the sword has been sharpened to help him fight even harder than before. But since the sword is sharper, it also cuts him deeper and hurts him more. Therefore he has to rest now and gather all of his strength to use later in battle. So he is only going to get sicker from now on. He has to fight all by himself, but there is a way for us to help your brother."  
  
"How?" they questioned simultaneously. Before, they had been told that there was nothing they could do, so to hear that they _could_ actually help him was total news to them.  
  
"We have to be very strong, so that Makoto can be strong too. And maybe, if we are really strong, then we can give a little bit of our strength to Makoto. Only Makoto can fight it, but even a little bit of strength can make the difference between defeating and having to give up."  
  
"But how can we be strong?" Ran asked, her tone clearly stating that she wanted to be strong, but didn't know exactly what that meant or how to do it.  
  
"Being strong is..." Haruka started, figuring out how to properly verbalise his thoughts. "Being strong is going on. Understanding that what your brother is going through is very hard and that he needs all the rest he can get. Not being too upset when he can't be here or when he can't play. It is understanding that, but not letting it stop you from having fun yourselves. Keep on playing and smiling. Sometimes you might be sad and that's okay, that doesn't mean that you're not strong, but it's important that afterwards you get up again and go on. But mostly, being strong is being yourself. Acting the way that you always have and being there for your brother. Supporting him, uhm..." he trailed off.  
  
That hadn't sounded as good as it had in his head. He wanted to tell the twins that they should keep on going with their lives, that they were allowed to be sad but that it couldn't stop them from living. That their brother's illness shouldn't play a major role in their everyday lives. Of course, it was a lot to adjust to for them, but that shouldn't stop them from being happy and carefree.  
  
Even just thinking about this made him feel like a massive hypocrite, because out of everyone, he was the one who couldn't move on from his sadness, who kept on living in a slump, his mind engulfed with thoughts of cancer and death. But even knowing this, he wanted Ran and Ren to be able to live their lives the way they always had.  
  
"But," he continued, suddenly doubting everything he had said because the twins could interpret it the wrong way. "If the cancer does win a-and Makoto dies, then... then that's not because you weren't strong enough, or didn't give him enough strength. There's only so much you can give him and it isn't nearly enough to defeat the cancer by itself. And if it wins, then that isn't because Makoto didn't fight hard enough either. He is doing everything he can but sometimes that just isn't enough. No matter how hard the knight fights, sometimes the villain is just too strong; sometimes cancer is just too strong...  
  
"So, if, in the end, the cancer wins, then that isn't your brother's fault, okay?" he concluded, despite wishing he could end his speech on a higher and less depressing note.  
  
Both Ran and Ren were staring at their laps dejectedly, nodding once to show that they understood. They had been listening attentively the entire time without interrupting him too often, which was a pretty rare occurrence with the twins. Even children as small as they were understood how serious all of this was. Despite not entirely understanding the concept of death, they knew it was irreversible and that it was something that they didn't want to happen to their brother - or anyone for that matter.  
  
It saddened Haruka to know that the twins had to face this reality and contemplate these things that no one their age should even have to understand, let alone think about. Perhaps it even forced them to grow up quicker than they should have had; to see their older brother and role model battling against leukemia; a word they hadn't even known the meaning of. But the worst thing was definitely that this was something that actively played through their minds and while it may not be all day long like it was for Haruka, it shouldn't dominate their thoughts like it seemed to be doing now. There was nothing wrong with occasionally thinking about their brother and being sad about his condition, but it shouldn't stop them from continuing their daily activities. And it definitely shouldn't make them as depressed as they were at this moment.  
  
"Haru-chan?" Ran began after a short period of silence.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Can we sleep with you tonight?"  
  
"Okay," he permitted, "but only for tonight."  
  
With Haruka's consent, the twins grabbed their pillows and climbed out of their beds, walking over to the futon and stepping inside. Ran lied down on Haruka's left, Ren on his right. It was a tight fit but they would make it work for tonight. Haruka lied down himself and the twins snuggled into his chest, their pillows abandoned next to Haruka's head.  
  
"I don't want the cancer to win," Ran mumbled, nestling her head against his pectoral.  
  
"Me neither," Haruka said, "but we have to be strong."  
  
"Haru-chan?" Ren questioned as he buried his face in the crook of Haruka's arm and chest.  
  
"What?"  
  
"Can we start being strong tomorrow?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
At that moment, Ran and Ren allowed their tears to spill over. Their usual loud wailing had been traded in for soft sniffles and small hiccups, their voices muffled against Haruka's torso as their tears seeped into his shirt. Haruka didn't offer any words of comfort, since that would be nothing but unfair to them after everything he had said. Instead, he wrapped his arms around them and pressed them closer against his body, letting his actions speak louder than any words of false comfort could.  
  
Starting tomorrow, they would be strong and Haruka could only hope that tomorrow, he could start being strong too.

* * *

 

True to their word, the next day the twins were as cheerful as they had always been; like last night had never happened, like their brother wasn't sick. Their demeanour seemed genuine enough and if Haruka hadn't been part of the conversation yesterday, then he would have believed it was all real. But now, he didn't know how much of it was an act and how much of it was actual joy. It surprised Haruka what great thespians they were, though he supposed it wasn't odd since they lived in a house that recently revolved around pretend.  
  
Regret churned around in his stomach as he watched them play like they always had, except this time, they didn't ask for their brother even once. He couldn't help but feel like he had forced them to be like this, like he had brainwashed them. Even if his intentions had been nothing but good, it still wasn't right of him to tell them how to behave. All he had wanted was for them to stop being so sad, to see the big grins return to their faces - and for them to let Makoto sleep without him having to feel too guilty about having to turn down their requests for attention. It was Christmas; a time they looked forward to each and every year and he had wanted them to enjoy it like they always did. Without sorrowful thoughts.  
  
When he walked into the dining room that afternoon, he saw them sitting at the table, coloured pencils and sheets of paper sprawled out between them as they were both engrossed in whatever they were drawing. Just as he was about to be consumed by remorse, Ran looked up and a wide smile lit up her face as she started to wave him over.  
  
"Haru-chan, do you want to draw with us?"  
  
Taken aback by her question and the happy tone of her voice, Haruka nodded before he walked further into the room.  
  
The scent of familiar food invaded his nostrils and he saw Mrs. Tachibana standing in the kitchen, stirring in a pan. She looked over her shoulder and smiled in the way that always seemed to remind him of Makoto, yet somehow less bright.  
  
When he entered the kitchen and came to a halt next to her, he leaned over and peered into the pan. Green curry; Makoto's favourite. It wasn't the most Christmassy of dishes, but Haruka knew that she was making it regardless of that in the hope that her son would have the appetite to enjoy it.  
  
The counter was filled with a whole bunch of pots and plates and ingredients, but nothing in particular caught his eye.  
  
"Do you need any help, Oba-san?"  
  
"Thank you, Haru-kun," she said, "but I've got it. I think those two over there need more help than I do." She gestured towards Ren and Ran with her head before looking back at him and winking, indicating that she had heard what her daughter had asked him. Even if she hadn't, Haruka was sure that she would have declined his offer any way like she always did. Still, he knew that he should at least ask her; it would be impolite not to, especially after she allowed him to stay in her home for so long.  
  
In response, Haruka nodded and opened a drawer to grab a place mat - the reason he had walked into the kitchen in the first place. Then, he went back at to the table and sat himself down, putting the place mat down in front of him and grabbing a clear sheet of paper.  
  
Before he even had the chance to pick up a pencil, Ran started to blabber about her drawing like she had on Makoto's birthday: full of enthusiasm. It reminded him of how much fun she'd had making those drawings for her brother. Not that Ren hadn't enjoyed it, but he was a tad more reserved about it in contrast to his twin, who was always ready to shout her glee off of every rooftop. However, when it came to sadness, it was Ren who was more open about his feelings and Ran who would usually prefer to keep everything bottled up in herself. It was weird how they could be complete opposites of each other whilst simultaneously being so alike. But that's how twins are, Haruka supposed.  
  
Ran was still excitedly talking about her drawing, to the point where Haruka didn't know what she liked more: making a drawing or talking about said drawing. It was endearing how proud she always was of the things she made, especially since she had inherited the same artistic skills Makoto had. Ren, on the other hand, was much more artistically inclined than his siblings - though like Haruka, he never bragged about it and shyly accepted compliments. This didn't bother Ran in the slightest though, she was still confident and Haruka was glad about that.  
  
He still remembered how disappointed Makoto always was whenever they drew together and his drawing ended up looking not nearly as good as Haruka's did. Envy would glaze his eyes for a second before quickly being replaced with guilt, guilt for having an ugly feeling about his best friend. As young as they were back then, Haruka already hated to see Makoto like that, especially over something as stupid as a drawing. But for some reason those things always mattered to Makoto, as if he felt like he needed to match up to Haruka's abilities, without seeing that he was excellent in other things, things in which Haruka lacked. As they grew older, Makoto managed to disguise these feelings from the general eye, yet Haruka knew that deep down those feelings remained, that he was still only able to see the bad things in himself rather than the good things.  
  
This was probably the reason why Ran was so self-assured; her family, but especially Makoto always made sure to praise both her and Ren equally, so there was no need to be envious of the other. It was Makoto's way of making sure that his little sister never felt as inferior or insecure as he did. Still, it pained Haruka to know that Makoto did feel these things and he wanted him to realise his self-worth. For him to see himself the way Haruka saw him.  
  
"Haru-chan, are you even listening?" Ran huffed, a little bit annoyed that she had been talking for nothing.  
  
"Yes," Haruka answered, despite it only being half the truth. Somehow, his thoughts always seemed to drift off lately, always ending up in the same place, or same person for that matter. It hadn't been his intention, though, and he didn't want her to feel like she was wasting her effort. "Go on."  
  
"As I was saying," she continued her story, pointing at the lopsided Christmas tree she had drawn in the middle of her paper.  
  
It was a drawing of two days ago, when they had decorated the tree together. On the left side next to the tree was a couch with a person lying on top of it (though in reality the tree didn't stand next to the couch) and Haruka guessed it was Makoto - unlike him, Ran wasn't afraid to draw him without hair. It was difficult to tell, but on the other side of the tree stood a figure who he thought was supposed to be him, with arms outstretched towards the yellow star (which was also pretty asymmetrical, with the bottom two legs being very thin and the other three points being thick.) Next to him were Ren, and Ran herself, who was wearing a pink dress with poofy sleeves and a wide skirt, which she definitely hadn't been wearing that afternoon, but it was probably what she wished she had been wearing.  
  
"...and I wanted to draw Mommy and Daddy too but there wasn't any room left, so I was thinking of making another one, since I don't want them to be left out."  
  
The thing that surprised him the most about Ran's monologue was that all of her enthusiasm seemed genuine, as if she had locked all of her sadness away in a little box and hid it deep inside her heart, not giving it permission to come back out and control her mood. Like her happiness was pretty much effortless. Her counterpart, however, hadn't said a word or even looked up at his sister and Haruka, though it didn't seem to be because of sorrow or misery. Rather, he was so immersed in his drawing that he had completely secluded himself from his environment. That was a good sign, as like Ran, Ren was being strong in his own way; a way that Haruka understood very well. As an artist, he knew it was very easy to lose oneself in drawing when one was concentrated, and it showed that he was coping. Besides, drawing was obviously way more fun than knitting.  
  
"If you want to," Haruka commented absent-mindedly, "this one looks very nice already."  
  
Teal eyes widened to the size of saucers with excitement. "Really?"  
  
"Hmm," he hummed. Honestly, this was the only way in which Haruka would ever tell them anything but the truth.  
  
A huge grin split across her face and she eagerly turned back to her drawing, intent to finish this one first clear in her mannerism.  
  
Mentally shaking his head, Haruka sighed and reached out to grab a grey pencil. Tuning out the world around him, his hand started to move automatically, beginning to sketch an image without him thinking about it too much. It was always easier to let his mind wander and his hand do all the work.  
  
In silence they drew together, one more focussed than the other but drawing all the same.  
  
Haruka didn't know whether hours passed or mere minutes before he put the grey pencil down, his simple sketch having turned into a more refined lineart. It wasn't as if he had tried to make a masterpiece, which was clear as it definitely wasn't the best he had ever made, but that hadn't been his intention either. Just a simple drawing to entertain himself, to pass time with the twins, nothing more, northing less.  
  
"Onii-chan doesn't have any hair," Ran remarked when she saw his drawing. There wasn't any malice or hurt in her voice; she was merely stating a fact, like it was something small that Haruka had failed to notice.  
  
What Haruka had drawn was a simple igloo, an igloo Makoto and he were building. Inside the igloo lay Ran and Ren, side by side with huge grins lighting up their faces. In this drawing, Makoto did have hair as well as his signature smile, beaming down at his siblings as he patted more snow onto the igloo. Haruka himself was crouching next to the igloo's entrance on the other side, a more subdued smile painted on his features.  
  
"It's just a drawing," Haruka defended, brushing off any potential argument. After all the negative thoughts he implemented in their heads, Haruka wasn't about to tell her that this was a drawing of the future, or at least, what he wanted the future to be like. It represented the next winter, or perhaps even the winter after that, not this winter.  
  
With a careless shrug and a muttered 'okay', Ran returned to her attention back to herself, contemplating which colour to use next.  
  
Just as Haruka was pondering about his own drawing's colour palette, Ren put his used pencil back on the table, the tip as blunt as can be, and he let out a big sigh.  
  
"I'm done," he announced, snapping out of his artistic trance and back into reality.  
  
"Let me see!" Ran sang as she snatched her brother's drawing off the table.  
  
"Ran!" Ren yelped as he tried to pry his paper out of his sister's sneaky fingers, but she was too fast.  
  
"Wow... Is that Onii-chan?"  
  
Pouting, Ren averted his eyes for a second before nodding. This sparked Haruka's curiosity.  
  
"May I?" he asked, wanting Ren's consent before taking a look at the drawing. He knew that sometimes, illustrations were private and he wanted to respect Ren's boundaries, knowing how annoying it could be to have someone witness something personal without permission.  
  
Almost shyly, Ren met Haruka's gaze and nodded once more.  
  
With Ren's approval, Haruka accepted the drawing from Ran. Breath was knocked out of him when he made out the image. He didn't know what he had been expecting, if he had been expecting anything at all, but it wasn't this. And yet, at the same time, it couldn't have been anything but this.  
  
A knight with light grey armour was depicted on the right side of the paper, holding a large blade without a hilt in thinly gloved hands. He was standing on a brown, rocky landscape, most likely a mountain. What he was fighting against was a peculiar monster: round and covered in spikes, dark purple for its entirety save for the red eyes and evil smirk. The sword it was holding was much larger and unlike the knight's sword, it was complete. The night sky hung above them, void of any clouds and stars. Only the moon was shining down on them, illuminating the ferocious battle of the courageous knight against the wretched, cancerous monster.  
  
It didn't take a genius to see that the purple monster was the villain of Haruka's story, leukemia's personification; Ren's vision of the cancer flowing through his brother's veins.  
  
"It's... amazing," Haruka muttered. And it was, especially for someone Ren's age. The armour was detailed, the landscape carefully crafted without rush, and the monster was... different, to say the least. It was obvious that Ren put a lot of effort into it and that he had tried his very best to make it as pretty as he could.  
  
At those words a small, satisfied smile stretched Ren's face, his cheeks colouring slightly. Haruka was still looking at the drawing, wanting to pay attention to every nook and line Ren had created. This drawing proved that Haruka's explanation still resonated inside of Ren's head, that he was processing it in his own way: by releasing his imagination onto the paper, the story flowing out of his mind through his fingertips.  
  
Then, the front door opened and closed, and a muffled 'I'm home' rang out. When that happened, the twins forgot all about their drawings and Haruka and ran towards the front door with yells of 'Dad!'. Their unusual enthusiasm baffled Haruka a bit, but the mystery was soon solved.  
  
Without as much as welcoming him back, the children continued. "Dad, Dad, do you have the cake?"  
  
Mr. Tachibana walked into the dining room with two bouncing seven-year-olds on his heels and a plastic bag in his hand. "I'm very happy to see you, too," he laughed, "Yes, I brought the cake."  
  
"Yay!" the twins cheered as Mr. Tachibana put the bag down on the kitchen counter and greeted his wife.  
  
"I'm home," he uttered as he placed a quick peck on his wife's cheek.  
  
"Welcome home, Dear," she returned, taking the cake box out of the plastic bag to put it in the fridge. "And you two are not getting any cake. It's for dessert," she said to the twins, who had followed their father - or more precisely, the cake - to the kitchen.  
  
Disappointed sighs and noises left their mouths at the confirmation that they would have to wait to have a taste of that delicious Christmas cake that was chilling in the fridge until after dinner.  
  
"Speaking of which, can you clear off the table and put away your pencils, then the table can be set soon."  
  
"Okay..." they mumbled downcastedly and they went back to the table, gathering the papers and pencils.  
  
"The sooner the table is cleared and we can eat, the sooner you'll get the cake," Mr. Tachibana offered, effectively motivating them to work quicker and more efficiently.  
  
Chuckling lightly at her children's newfound zealousness, Mrs. Tachibana went back to stirring the food and Mr. Tachibana went upstairs to dress into something more comfortable.  
  
Once the table was cleared Haruka walked into the kitchen, intending to set the table for dinner when Mrs. Tachibana stopped him.  
  
"Actually, Haru-kun, could you go and check up on Makoto, see if he's awake? Dinner will be ready soon."  
  
"Alright," he shrugged, turning on his heel and leaving the room.

 

Upstairs he opened the door to Makoto's room slowly as to not disturb him if he were asleep nor startle him if he were awake. Makoto was still lying down but looked up at Haruka's presence, shifting slightly so he could look at his friend better.  
  
Haruka sat down on the edge of Makoto's bed. "Sorry, did I wake you?"  
  
"No," Makoto shook his head, "I was already awake."  
  
Somewhat glad that he hadn't woken him, Haruka felt his expression soften. "How are you feeling?"  
  
"Good. Better," he corrected. "What about you?"  
  
Haruka sighed at this question that was so typical of Makoto, shaking his head a bit in endearment. "I'm fine. But I'm glad. Your mom says dinner will be ready soon. She's making green curry."  
  
"Great," Makoto said, smiling a little, though he wasn't as excited as he usually would have been. "I'm looking forward to it."  
  
"Not feeling nauseous?" Haruka asked.  
  
"No, I'm feeling better," Makoto repeated, "really."  
  
"Good." A tiny smile appeared on Haruka's face, which Makoto mirrored.  
  
"Thanks, Haru."  
  
A moment of silence passed them, both content to just share the same space, until the clinking of plates could be heard from downstairs.  
  
"I think dinner's ready. Can you get up?" Haruka questioned as he stood up.  
  
"Yeah, I think so," Makoto nodded, placing his bare feet on the floor next to his bed and grabbing the pair of discarded socks and pulling them on.  
  
Makoto's answer didn't stop Haruka from offering his hand to help Makoto up, and it didn't stop Makoto from accepting it either. It wasn't as if Makoto couldn't walk by himself, but after lying in bed for so long and so frequently, the muscles of his legs had gotten weaker and he wobbled a bit sometimes. Better safe than sorry, so to prevent him from actually falling down or tumbling down the stairs, Haruka supported him as they walked out of Makoto's room.  
  
"Is it okay if I use the bathroom first?"  
  
"Of course," Haruka affirmed. Like he needed to ask permission for that.  
  
Haruka guided him to the bathroom and waited outside. It didn't take long until he heard the sounds of the toilet flushing and the faucet being turned on. When he came outside a minute later, he intertwined his damp fingers with Haruka's, making Haruka frown a bit.  
  
"You need to dry your hands properly," he stated.  
  
"Sorry," Makoto chuckled, "I thought you liked water."  
  
"Only if there's enough to sit in."  
  
"I see. I'll remember that for future reference," he joked.  
  
All Haruka could do was sigh and shake his head fondly once more.

 

When they arrived in the dining room, the rest of Makoto's family was already sitting at the table, except for Makoto's mother who was still getting dishes from the kitchen to serve. They sat down in their usual spots, looking out over the tabletop. Besides green curry, Mrs. Tachibana had made a whole array of side dishes, including mackerel. It seemed like she had made a bit of everyone's favourite and Haruka understood that this was another way for her to process her feelings; getting satisfaction from watching her children and spouse enjoy her cooking and wanting to give them what they wanted to eat because it was Christmas.  
  
They said a brief thanks before digging in, one more eagerly than the other, but relishing all the same.  
  
During dinner Haruka felt an odd sense of belonging wash over him. Everyone was engaging in conversation: the twins were excitedly chattering with mouths stuffed with food (for which their mother scolded them), Makoto laughed lightly at his siblings' antics, Mr. Tachibana cracked the latest edition of dad jokes, Mrs. Tachibana shared a funny little anecdote of what happened at the store that afternoon, and Haruka himself, not being one for banter, commented whenever he wanted to. For a little while, everything felt right.  
  
After everyone was done eating Mrs. Tachibana and Haruka started to clear off the plates so the cake could be served. When Mrs. Tachibana grabbed Makoto's plate and saw that he had eaten almost everything he was served, she turned to him with a disapproving look.  
  
"You shouldn't eat too much all of a sudden! What if you get a stomach ache?" she reprimanded.  
  
"Sorry," Makoto said, averting his eyes and sheepishly scratching at his cheek with his finger, "It was just so delicious, I couldn't help myself."  
  
Shaking her head, she walked towards the kitchen. When her back was to the table, Haruka could see a wide smile stretching her face. He didn't mention it as he simply went back to the table to get more plates. Once the table was mostly empty Mrs. Tachibana got the cake out of the fridge and cut it into six even slices.  
  
Haruka served the first two pieces to the twins who eagerly dug in, clearly unable to wait even a second longer.  
  
"Now, don't eat the whole slice," Mrs. Tachibana said as she put a plate down in front of Makoto, clearly trying to sound strict but unsuccessful in hiding her inner happiness.  
  
"I won't, I won't," Makoto chuckled, putting his hands up in surrender.  
  
When everyone had their piece they began to eat. The cake was a bit too sugary for Haruka's liking, but everyone else seemed to enjoy it, so much that they had ceased their small talk in favour of eating it, so who was Haruka to complain?  
  
In-between bites a small smile lit up Makoto's face accompanied by a twinkle in his green eyes. It was obvious he found the cake delicious, a child-like joy practically radiating from him. This was exactly what Haruka had hoped for on Makoto's birthday and while that may have been a failure, it was looking like Christmas might be a success after all.  
  
Somehow, the cake tasted a lot better after that.

 

When the whole cake was gone - with the remains of Makoto's piece having been eaten by Ran and Ren - Makoto spoke up.  
  
"So, who wants to play a game?"  
  
"Are you sure that's okay, Onii-chan?" Ren asked.  
  
"Yeah," Ran added, "Do you feel good enough?"  
  
The questions of his siblings took Makoto aback, as they had never asked anything like this before. He quickly recovered from being bewildered and smiled gently at them. "I do feel good enough, thank you. Now, what game do you want to play?"  
  
Big grins appeared on the children's faces, but they were soon replaced with pouts as they argued about which game they would play. No game could ever be played without a little quarrel, after all. Makoto quickly appeased their argument by promising that they could play both of their picks.  
  
Mr. and Mrs. Tachibana went to the kitchen to do the dishes but before Haruka had the chance to as much as offer to help out, Mrs. Tachibana told him to go and have fun.  
  
Doing as she had instructed, Haruka stayed seated while Ran and Ren ran upstairs to grab their favourite board games. When they returned they had another small argument about which game they would play first, but again it was over before it even really started.  
  
It was no secret that Makoto was good at most games, in fact, it was common knowledge in the Tachibana household, much to the twins' dismay. They were sore losers, they always had been, and would be upset when they lost. Makoto knew this better than anyone else, but whenever he'd go easy on them and let them win for the sake of keeping the peace they would be even more upset, because they just knew that their brother wasn't doing his best. No matter what the outcome of any given game was, no one could ever truly win.  
  
Because of this, playing games with the twins was always incredibly fun. Still, Haruka thought it was kind of amusing, especially since it never stopped them from wanting to play board games, like they had already forgotten how it ended most of the time. It was even more entertaining when one of the children would state that whoever won the next round would be the overall winner, only to be beaten by Makoto once again.  
  
This night was not much different. After multiple rounds of both games, Ran, Ren, and Haruka had been absolutely demolished by Makoto. But, while the twins were obviously not pleased with losing, they weren't throwing a tantrum like they had done before and could even muster up a little smile. It was as if they had learned to appreciate the fact that they were able to play with their brother and it overshadowed their desire to win. It was proof that Haruka's previous thoughts were true.  
  
Or perhaps they had even missed being utterly defeated by their ruthless older brother, and while this seemed unlikely, it was not entirely impossible.  
  
After returning every piece of the game to the box, Makoto and Haruka went to put the twins to bed. It was a little over their bedtime and while that didn't really matter since it was a special day, they shouldn't stay up any longer or they would be grumpy in the morning. But most of all they couldn't risk scaring off Santa-san, of course. That was what they told the children, any way.  
  
They took Ran and Ren upstairs and they all changed into their sleepwear. Despite the fact that Haruka and Makoto weren't going to bed yet, it was better to do it beforehand in case they were too tired to do it later. They were going to stay in Makoto's room for the rest of the night either way, both so that Makoto could lie in his bed and so that Makoto's parents could spend some quality time together.  
  
Because of their son's illness, the relationship of Mr. and Mrs. Tachibana had been put on the back burner for the time being. While it was obvious that they prioritized Makoto in this situation, what they didn't need was to put strain on their relationship as they needed each other's love and support now more than ever. Next to that, possibly ruining his parents' marriage would be another source of guilt for Makoto; it was something he would never forgive himself for if it were to happen. Therefore it would be good for all of them if Makoto's parents would spend the remnants of Christmas Eve together like any couple should.  
  
Once everyone was dressed they went to the bathroom to brush their teeth. Another wave of nostalgia crashed down upon Haruka at this simple, every day type of situation. Recalling the familiar scenarios that had played out hundreds of times in the past: the four of them brushing their teeth together whenever Haruka stayed over, all various states of fatigued. Though they were all growing older, some things just never changed; like how the twins' faces were still full of toothpaste more often than not, how Ran still stood in front of the mirror with the biggest grin on her face as she watched how the toothbrush spread toothpaste over her teeth, how Ren sometimes needed Makoto to brush his teeth for him when he was too tired to keep his eyes open, how Makoto still needed a new toothbrush every single month because he managed to completely destroy it every time - how, Haruka still didn't know, as by the time he needed to replace his own toothbrush, the old one was still completely intact.  
  
When they were all done in the bathroom, Makoto and Haruka took the children to their room to tuck them in. Makoto pressed a kiss to Ren's forehead as Haruka pulled the duvet up to Ran's chin. Between yawns the twins returned the wishes of goodnight that were expressed, drowsily mumbling something about presents and Santa-san. After placing a kiss on his sister's forehead as well, Makoto let out a final 'sleep well' before he left the room, followed by Haruka who - in the meanwhile had grabbed the Christmas presents - closed the door behind them.  
  
In Makoto's room Haruka turned on the lights before sitting down on the bed while Makoto rummaged through his desk. The green curtains were still open, allowing the moon to shine through the windows and Haruka considered getting up to close them but decided against it. It wasn't as if either of them really cared about it any way. He was pulled from his curtain contemplation when Makoto sat down in front of him.  
  
"Shall I start, then?" Makoto said, scratching at his cheek again in the nervous habit he never seemed to be able to shake.  
  
"Go ahead," Haruka replied, a tiny smile playing at his lips.  
  
In return Makoto shot him a gentle smile of his own, the endearing yet shy action bringing some colour to Makoto's cheeks as he handed him his present and murmured, "Merry Christmas, Haru."  
  
"Thank you," Haruka said earnestly, accepting the gift that was handed to him.  
  
The gift was wrapped neatly - so it was more than obvious Makoto hadn't wrapped it himself - and felt soft to touch. It wasn't big but it wasn't particularly small either and the Christmas themed wrapping paper did nothing to betray what type of store it was from, so Haruka had no idea what it could be. Slowly he opened the present, pulling at the tape that kept it all together rather than tearing the paper off.  
  
A pair of thick, black gloves was lying inside of the paper and Haruka ran his fingers over them.  
  
Almost immediately Makoto started to nervously stammer, "Uh, I hope you like them. If you don't then I'm sorry, you can-"  
  
"Makoto," Haruka interrupted him before he could trail off any further. "I love them," Haruka assured, "Thank you."  
  
At those words the smile returned to Makoto's face, even brighter than before and his eyes closed as he tilted his head a little in that adorable way of his. Whenever Makoto gave him a present, be it for his birthday or Christmas or anything else, he would always worry about Haruka's reaction. Even if he knew it was something Haruka was dying to have, the one thing he wanted above anything else, he'd still doubt himself when giving it to him. Although Haruka never disliked anything Makoto gave him, he could understand that Makoto was somewhat unsure about this present. Gloves weren't exactly something that he would say he had wanted, but still, he appreciated the usefulness and thought that Makoto put into it. And honestly, Haruka could never dislike anything Makoto would give to him because Makoto put time and effort into selecting it for him and gave it with such love, devotion and consideration. Besides, there was only one thing he truly desired, one thing he wanted above anything else, but unfortunately Makoto couldn't give it to him that easily.  
  
Haruka grabbed one of the gloves and pulled it on his right hand, flexing his fingers underneath the material. The inside of the glove was soft and it clung to his hand like a second skin, effectively shielding it from any potential coldness.  
  
"Do they fit?" Makoto asked to which Haruka nodded. "I'm glad."  
  
It surprised Haruka that they had chosen the same type of gift, though, and he wondered why exactly Makoto had picked this as his Christmas present.  
  
"I'd be happy if you'd wear them, Haru. It's only getting colder from now on so please don't forget them, because I won't be there to keep your hands warm anymore."  
  
That was right.  
  
The first time it happend, all those years ago, he had honestly forgotten his gloves. It was a chilly morning in the beginning of winter and they had been walking to school together like they always did. The cold wind was sharp, cutting and biting at every piece of exposed skin. Just as Makoto was making a comment on the weather, he saw Haruka breathing on the tips of his red, numb fingers in an attempt to return the feeling to them. Makoto asked him where his gloves were and when Haruka replied that he had forgotten them in his haste, Makoto had shaken his head fondly and took off his left glove to hand it to Haruka. Questioningly he had looked up at Makoto and in response Makoto had offered him a gentle smile as he grabbed Haruka's bare hand in his own, the warmth of Makoto's fingers seeping into his own.  
  
The second time it happened Haruka had been curious. A week or so later he had purposefully forgotten his gloves, wondering what Makoto would do. Upon realising that the fingers of his best friend were practically freezing off, Makoto had let out a little sigh - though without any malice - and gave his left glove to Haruka once more, enveloping his other hand with his bigger one like Haruka had been hoping he would.  
  
After that Haruka started to deliberately leave his gloves at home. Not every day, Haruka liked to think he was a little more subtle than that, but it still happened often enough that Makoto probably knew what was going on. But without fail Makoto would give Haruka one of his gloves, sometimes accompanied by a teasing remark of his forgetfulness or a fond shake of his head. Other than that, Makoto would never say anything about it. Why he just accepted his fate every single time without a word, Haruka didn't know, but he liked to think it was because Makoto wanted it too. Holding hands was something they used to do often as children, but as they grew older and more aware of society and its views, they gradually stopped doing it all together. This was the perfect excuse.  
  
All of a sudden, the gloves were so much more meaningful.  
  
"Well, at least not this winter," Makoto added as an afterthought to what he had previously said.  
  
At that, Haruka nodded. The gift was truly bittersweet: it was given to him because Makoto worried about him, because he cared and that made Haruka indescribably happy, but these gloves were also given to him as a replacement of what used to be Makoto's duty, because Makoto was unable to fulfill it himself any longer. But luckily, it was more of the former than the latter, in Haruka's opinion.  
  
"Promise me you'll wear them?" Makoto requested and Haruka could tell that he asked this more so that he knew Haruka wouldn't get cold when he was outside rather than that he wanted his present to be treasured by Haruka. Needless to say, Haruka would treasure it any way. Perhaps, when he would wear them, it would be like carrying a little piece of Makoto's soul with him, the thought of him keeping his fingers even warmer than any pair of gloves could.  
  
Mentally shaking his head at the sappy thought, Haruka said, "Of course." Even without Makoto asking him to, his mind had already been made up.  
  
Another blinding smile was cast at him and he had to look away, taking the glove off and putting them down beside to grab Makoto's present from behind him, fumbling with it in order to distract himself from his best friend's adorable expression.  
  
"Here," he said as he thrust the package forward, still avoiding Makoto's gaze.  
  
"Thank you, Haru," Makoto muttered as he accepted the gift, his fingers brushing against Haruka's.  
  
At Makoto's response Haruka peered at him from the corner of his eyes, not wanting to miss any reaction he gave.  
  
Like he had, Makoto carefully undid each piece of tape rather than ripping the wrapping off. When Haruka saw this, he turned back towards his friend.  
  
"You can just rip it off, you know," he remarked.  
  
Makoto looked up from the gift in his lap and met Haruka's blue eyes, his own green ones full of sincerity. "That would be a waste, especially after you took the time to wrap it so nicely."  
  
"Idiot," Haruka mumbled, at which Makoto let out that cute laugh of his, "that's what the wrapping is for."  
  
Makoto only giggled again and resumed to attentively undo the paper.  
  
Unconsciously Haruka held his breath as he waited for Makoto to open his present entirely, waited for Makoto to see what he had made for him.  
  
An almost inaudible gasp slipped between Makoto's lips when the hats and scarfs were visible, lying in the middle of the heap of paper and tape. "Haru," he sighed, sounding like he didn't trust his own eyes, like the things he was seeing couldn't be true.  
  
"Merry Christmas, Makoto."  
  
"You... You made this?"  
  
"Hmm," Haruka hummed, a shower of relief and a bit of pride raining down on him, but he didn't want Makoto to notice so he tried his best to keep his stoic expression intact.  
  
"You made this... all of this?" Makoto asked as if he just couldn't believe it.  
  
"Well, Santa-san had some little helpers," Haruka admitted, pleased by Makoto's reaction.  
  
"Ren and Ran...? They can knit?" Makoto questioned. It was obvious he was confused by the news of his siblings' newly acquired skill.  
  
"I taught them to. Hats were too difficult for them, though, so they made scarfs: Ran the orange one and Ren the blue one. Most of them, anyway," Haruka explained "They still owed me from your birthday," he jokingly added.  
  
Makoto chuckled at that, gently picking up one of the hats and the green striped scarf to study them closer. "Still, that means that you made all of these hats and this scarf yourself," Makoto said, completely astonished. "That's too much, Haru! And I only gave you one thing, too..."  
  
"It's fine," Haruka brushed off, knowing that Makoto was starting to feel bad and inadequate.  
  
"But Haru, you're giving me so much and it must have taken you so long to make and-"  
  
"Makoto," he cut in, "It's fine. I had a lot of time on my hands. Besides, I wanted to make you this." He had to turn away his head, his impassive mask crumbling into tiny pieces as blood rushed towards his cheeks at this confession.  
  
"Haru," Makoto gently tried after a moment of silence. When Haruka looked back at his friend, he saw the brilliant smile lighting up his features, making the pink flush on Makoto's face stand out even more, the vibrant green of his eyes even more prominent. "Thank you."  
  
There it was again: that spark in Makoto's eyes, the flame of his spirit awakening and drowning out the smoldering embers that resided in his gaze nowadays. The expression of gratitude he showed so profound Haruka could feel it deep within his soul. The love those mere words threw upon him warming him like a fire in a blizzard, scorching the chambers of his heart and burning his skin in the best way possible.  
  
"You don't have to thank me..." Haruka uttered awkwardly, not knowing how to handle this sudden rush of emotion.  
  
"I really love them, Haru! Thank you," Makoto's eyes closed in his signature head-tilt. When he opened them again, he lifted the hat he was holding and put it on. The dark brown and green colours of the hat complimented Makoto's soft features and made his eyes stand out even more. It looked perfect on him. 'Like it was made for him' was what one would usually say, but in this case it was actually made for him, Haruka thought.  
  
A yawn escaping from Makoto's mouth interrupted Haruka's thoughts.  
  
"Are you tired?" Haruka asked, concerned that Makoto wore himself out.  
  
"A bit. It's fine, though," Makoto said as he put his received present down behind Haruka and lied down on his side. "Haru?"  
  
The invitation was clear in Makoto's voice and Haruka accepted it wordlessly. He lied down beside his friend, his back turned to the wall and his front to Makoto.  
  
The hundredth smile stretched across Makoto's lips. "Hey, Haru?"  
  
"Hmm?"  
  
"Do you remember that time we built that igloo?"

 

The rest of the night was spent lying side by side, talking about the past and revisiting memories of times when everything was still alright. The hurt that accompanied remembering such happy occasions was pushed to the back of Haruka's mind as he listened to Makoto's soothing voice that spoke fondly in reminiscence. Despite never knowing he would ever feel like this, he knew Makoto's calm presence comforted him more than the ocean on a hot day ever could; more than water in general could. This situation made him re-evaluate his stance on life and his surroundings, made him value Makoto more than he did before. The water would always be there without a doubt, but he could wake up one day and Makoto could be gone. He'd always considered Makoto to be a constant in his life because like water, he thought Makoto would be there without a doubt. It was at moments like these that he really realised what it was that he was possibly losing right at his very minute. That thought hurt so much that he wanted to save these moments, to capture them in his grasp and to never let go, to treasure them forever. Even if that was physically impossible, these moments were permanently etched into his mind, memories he couldn't forget even if he tried.  
  
The gentle tone of Makoto's voice eventually lulled him to sleep, the most peaceful sleep he'd had in months.

 

When he woke up a little while later the room was darker, only illuminated by the moon. His eyelids were heavy with sleep and he couldn't open them entirely. Haruka lifted his head a bit from where it had been buried in the sheet so his field of vision expanded and he noticed that Makoto was still lying in front of him, his eyes now too closed in a calm sleep. Before he had snoozed off, Makoto had apparently switched off the light and taken off the hat so it was clear Haruka had given into tiredness first.  
  
Logically speaking, Haruka knew it would be for the best if he'd returned to his futon in the twins' room and give Makoto the space he was occupying so he could lie more comfortably. But even if he hadn't been as tired as he was, at that moment the thought of getting up and leaving Makoto's side had no positive aspects at all. The only thing that sounded appealing was the idea of moving closer to Makoto and his warmth - they had fallen asleep on top of the duvet and while he wasn't cold per se, to his half-asleep brain it seemed like a great excuse to snuggle closer, which was pretty much what he had wanted all along.  
  
In his drowsy state he gave himself permission and cuddled closer to Makoto, pressing his face into Makoto's chest and breathing in his comforting scent; the scent of home. Almost immediately he started to doze off but before he lost consciousness entirely, he felt an arm wrap around his back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! 
> 
> My sister made a drawing for this fic that accompanies the last scene of this chapter. If you'd like, you can check it out [here](http://datheetjoella.tumblr.com/post/148069319992/my-sister-made-this-drawing-for-me-its-based-off)!
> 
> Thank you to everyone who still supports this fic after a year. All of your comments, kudos, bookmarks and subscriptions mean the world to me. Thank you so much.
> 
> I hope you all have a wonderful day and I hope to see you soon!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I would like to apologise for being a liar. In the author's note of the previous chapter I said that since I had already started on this chapter, it shouldn't take me as long to get out while in reality, it's been a long time since the last update. I had written the first 4k words of this chapter back in August of 2016, but then I got distracted by MakoHaru events and other fic ideas and that was why I took a step back from writing this chapter and wrote other things. I didn't continue with writing this chapter until about a week ago. It may be hard to believe since it's been months since the last update, but I've written this chapter much, much faster than any of the previous ones; they took me somewhere between 1 to 3 months to write, while I wrote the largest portion (over 11k words) of this chapter in less than a week. I'm pretty glad about that since I'm usually a slow writer but I somehow got the _strength_ to write this a lot faster
> 
> Second of all, my sincerest apologies that it has taken me so long to get this chapter out. I love writing this story and I'm definitely going to continue it beyond this point. I'm not going to make any promises but I hope that I can get another chapter out before the end of this year.
> 
> Lastly, my usual disclamer. I'm not an expert on any of the medical and cultural stuff I write about. I do my best to research everything as well as I can but it just can't match up to having first-hand experience and knowledge.
> 
> Anyway, I think I've blabbered enough for now.
> 
> I hope that you'll enjoy this chapter and that it was worth the wait!

Feet bigger than his own intertwined with his, legs pressing against his calves and the back of his thighs, his back enveloped by a warm chest, and a large arm wrapped around his body, the palm of the hand placed over his heart. That was what Haruka woke up to.

The sky was still pale, clouds covering up most of the light that shone from the faint winter sun. Haruka didn't open his eyes yet, purposefully keeping them shut although it wasn't because the daylight was bothering him. There was just something in him that didn't want to break whatever this was, this trance-like tranquility that was filled with feelings of rightness. A feeling of belonging, of home.

Almost automatically, his right hand came to rest over Makoto's on his chest, careful not to disturb this moment. They had shifted in their sleep but that didn't change the close atmosphere that had lingered from the night before, the ambience that had given Haruka the confidence and courage to reach out.

He knew Makoto was awake - he could feel his rhythmic breathing against his hair - and he was sure Makoto knew he was awake, too. In that moment it didn't matter. Although Makoto was usually more reserved in terms of physical contact as well, Haruka figured that he felt the same need, to have the closeness of someone he could build upon, someone to hold onto and be held by during the most difficult time of his life. Makoto was not one to outright tell his needs and feelings, especially regarding his condition, so Haruka was glad that by taking the first step towards him, Makoto gave in and communicated his thoughts non-verbally.

In the past, this knowledge and proximity would have made him hyper-aware of his surroundings, it would give him the feeling of nerves coiling in his stomach, though always in a good way. It didn't now. All it did was make him feel at ease, more at ease and peaceful than he had in years, even before leukemia came crashing into their lives and destroyed everything they held dear.

That didn't matter right then either. Moments like these gave Haruka the feeling everything would be alright as long as they had each other. Conveying these feelings was hard for the both of them, so for now, this was enough. The warmth Makoto emitted, the breath tickling his hair, the heartbeat thrumming against his back, the hand in his, the body pressed against his own, it was enough. The knowledge that he could be Makoto's rock, his boulder of support like Makoto had always been for him, just that was enough.

This could be their little secret.

"Onii-chan! Haru-chan!"

Or not.

The voices of the twins and the sound of them barging into Makoto's room echoed through the house, drowning out the voice of their mother who yelled at them to be quiet. Like that, the spell was broken. The arm that was wrapped around Haruka moved and he immediately missed the warmth and weight.

Makoto sat up as Ran and Ren bounced on the end of the bed, completely forgetting the circumstances in their elation. In the meanwhile Haruka's tired mind was torn between being annoyed at the twins for interrupting them and being glad that Makoto and he had been lying with drawn-up knees, otherwise his legs would have been crushed.

"Onii-chan, Haru-chan! Santa-san came!"

A yawn escaped Makoto's lips just as he was stretching his arms over his head; his attempt to cover his mouth with his hand was in vain. The twins were still yelling about presents and more but Haruka didn't listen, trying to tune them out by burying his face deeper in the duvet. Mentally he tried to make them disappear but unfortunately, sheer willpower was not enough. He loved Ran and Ren, he really did, but sometimes they made him wish he could mute them. Especially when they were being loud after he just woke up.

Seeing that he wouldn't be able to return to sleep like this, let alone convince Makoto to join him, Haruka sighed deeply before reluctantly pushing himself up. As he was rubbing the sleep out of his eyes he vaguely registered that Makoto had gotten up and was now responding to the twins, who were jumping around him full of enthusiasm, pulling on his arms. Knowing there was nothing else he could do, he got out of bed as well and allowed Ran to grab his arm and pull him along.

The children led them down the stairs and into the living room, where Mr. and Mrs. Tachibana were waiting for them, the former with an old video camera in hand and recording his children as they walked in, the latter standing next to her husband as she took pictures.

Ran and Ren plopped down on the floor as Makoto and Haruka seated themselves on the couch. Presents in all shapes and sizes were lying underneath the Christmas tree.

Mr. Tachibana began to ask them all kinds of questions, about what they were doing and what day it was, in order to give the video he was making more context and to make it more lively. Immediately Ren and Ran started to babble as they each picked out a present and read the name that was written on it.

"This one's for Ren," Ran read and she handed her twin the present she was holding.

"And this one's Haru-chan's," Ren said, offering Haruka the present.

"For me?" Haruka inquired, a frown settling on his face in bewilderment. From the corner of his eyes he shot a questioning look at Mrs. Tachibana, making sure the twins didn't notice it. All he got in return was her usual gentle smile.

He accepted the proffered present and peered at the name on the sticker, reading the familiar character of his own name. It really was for him.

"Only one person opening at a time, please," Mr. Tachibana requested, wanting to capture every moment on tape.

"You can go first," Haruka said to Ren, knowing that the boy already had a difficult time containing himself before, so he was most likely ready to burst with giddiness now.

A huge smile lit up Ren's face and he wasted no time before he started to tear the wrapping off.

"Wow!" he gasped, completely astonished as he held up some kind of toy car he had wanted to have. "Thank you, Santa-san."

"Hold it up and smile!" Mrs. Tachibana instructed so she could take a photo. Ren did as he had been told and grinned, brighter and more animated than he had in a long time, his large brown eyes shining with euphoria.

"Next up is Haru-kun," Mr. Tachibana exclaimed as he pointed the camera towards Haruka.

If there was something Haruka wasn't fond of, it was being the center of attention. He didn't like having his picture taken nor being recorded on a video only to be seen and laughed at in years to come. But he didn't want to ruin the lighthearted and joyous ambience that was created, so he just played along with it all.

Like he had the night before, Haruka began to open the present at the folds. However, this time he wouldn't get away with it that easily.

"Haru-chan, you have to rip it off!" Ran protested.

"Yeah," Ren agreed, "otherwise it's no fun!"

Deciding to humour them, Haruka proceeded to tear the wrapping off instead. The torn up paper revealed a sketchbook. Picking it up to study it closer, he saw that the pages were thick and firm, a better quality than the average sketchbook found at a toy store. This meant that Mrs. Tachibana had gone out of her way to get him this.

When he looked up he saw the flash of the camera, soon followed by Mrs. Tachibana's sweet smile.

"Thank you, Santa-san," is what he said, but his words were clearly aimed at Makoto's parents.

Continuing with the gift unwrapping, Ren selected another present from the pile and looked at the label.

"Hey," he remarked, "this one says 'Ran and Ren'!"

"Oh? I think that means that it's a present for both of you," his father responded.

"But then who gets to unwrap it?" Ran asked in confusion.

"You both do. Grab a piece of the paper and then rip it off at the same time, okay?"

The children nodded and each of them took a piece of paper in their grasp.

"Ready? Go!"

At the sign they had been given both Ran and Ren pulled at the paper, easily ripping it off the box it was wrapped around. It was some kind of board game, but Haruka didn't know it.

"Oh! It's the game we played at Yumi-chan's place!" Ren beamed.

"Yay!" Ran cheered, throwing her hands up.

"Ah, you really enjoyed that game, right?" Mrs. Tachibana questioned, pretending not to know anything about her children wanting to have it.

"Yeah!" they simultaneously said.

"We really wanted to play it with Onii-chan," Ren explained, "but I didn't think we would get it!"

"Me neither," Ran chimed in, "Santa-san is really amazing..."

"He really is!" Mr. Tachibana laughed and Haruka was positive that he was referring to himself when he said that, and he snorted inwardly.

After their mother had taken another picture of them holding up the board game, Ran picked out another gift.

"Makoto," she read out loud, "This one is for you, Onii-chan!"

"Thank you," Makoto nodded and he took the present from his sister's hand. Unlike his friend, he immediately began to rip the paper off, taking out a book from between the packaging. Haruka recognised it as the sequel to a book Makoto read not too long ago.

A wide smile stretched Makoto's face, showing his white teeth as his eyes squeezed shut. It was obvious Makoto really liked the present, but he wasn't consumed by childish glee like his siblings were. Still, Makoto was happy, and even if that happiness was short-lived, Haruka was glad.

"Santa-san, thank you very much!" he uttered, his words sounding genuine. Yet Haruka detected something else in his voice, like there was a deeper meaning expressed than simple gratitude to his parents for getting him a book.

Before he could analyse it further, Ran spoke again.

"Now I want a present for me," she said, looking through the remaining gifts to find one with her name on it. Ran had a lot of qualities but unfortunately, patience wasn't one of them. In this case Haruka couldn't blame her for it, though. She had been looking forward to unwrapping presents for days and from the moment she had woken up she had been buzzing with excitement, so to see everyone receiving gifts while having to sit by and just watch must have been excruciating for her - the board game she had unwrapped with Ren obviously didn't count, she wanted to receive a present that was for her and her alone.

When she found one she immediately began to rip the paper off, making her parents and brother chuckle at her zealousness. Out of the wrapping she pulled a set of colourful markers. A content expression lit up her face, although it was probably more because she was glad she had finally gotten a present rather than what said present actually was.

Mrs. Tachibana snapped another picture and the same scene repeated itself multiple times. Ran and Ren picked out a gift, gave it to Makoto or Haruka if their name was on it and unwrapped it when their own name stared back at them. Mr. Tachibana pointed the camera towards the receiver of the particular present while his wife took pictures.

At last all the presents were unwrapped and the children's hunger for gifts was satiated - at least for now. Next to matching sets of markers, they had gotten all kinds of gifts, from dolls to games to clothes and props for their dress-up and role-play games and more. Haruka figured that they had been spoiled this year, even more so than otherwise. It was most likely an attempt of their parents to make things up to them. Because Ran and Ren were used to being the center of attention but lately, most of that attention had been shifted from them to their brother. While that couldn't be helped, Mr. and Mrs. Tachibana probably felt bad about it. They didn't neglect their two youngest, but it was easy for them to feel that way when everything suddenly revolved around someone else. Making them feel like they were in the limelight for once and trying to mend the emotional wounds in their hearts in a material way, that was what their parents had wanted. So they felt loved and cared for, just that little bit more than normally, or so Haruka guessed.

Though they usually couldn't decide what they wanted to play with first because they simply wanted to play with everything at the same time, for once they actually knew what they wanted to do.

"Onii-chan, let's play!" Ren said, holding out the board game in front of his chest.

"Breakfast first!" Mrs. Tachibana called from the kitchen.

"We'll play after breakfast, alright?" Makoto proposed, smiling gently at his siblings.

"Yay!" they cheered, pleased with their brother's response.

Haruka walked into the kitchen under the pretense of wanting to help Mrs. Tachibana out with breakfast, but he actually had an ulterior motive. When he was standing next to her and made sure the twins were out of earshot, he spoke.

"Thank you."

Surprised by his sudden words, Mrs. Tachibana turned her head to him, a smile beginning to form on her face. "You're very welcome, Haru-kun. We didn't really know what to get you, so I'm sorry if you don't like them."

"It's fine. I like them," Haruka said honestly. Like the sketchbook, he had been gifted art supplies mostly, things like a new set of watercolour paint, brushes and pencils. Not only were these useful for him since he liked to draw, but also because they kept him busy; they were instruments of distraction. He could have also been given something that would useless to him, so this was definitely the better alternative for everyone. A little stock never hurt. "You didn't have to give me anything in the first place."

"Haru-kun, Santa-san doesn't skip any good children," Mrs. Tachibana dismissed gently, winking at him to show that she implied more with this.

It wasn't as if Haruka didn't understand this, because he did, but he somewhat felt like he was intruding on private family moments so the last thing he had expected was to receive presents on top of that. He knew that they didn't want him to feel excluded and that with the general absence of his own parents, they wanted him to feel loved and cherished like any child should. The fact that it would be weird to Ran and Ren if Santa-san didn't give him any presents probably played a part as well, but even then, Haruka really appreciated that during this difficult time in their lives when everything was supposed to revolve around their children, Mr. and Mrs. Tachibana still thought of him and wanted to include him.

"Thank you," Haruka repeated, feeling the need to express his appreciation verbally.

Another smile was cast his way and he was reminded of something she had told him before, about her practically having four children. She had mentioned it in a loving way and though it made him feel a bit guilty to be another burden for her, he knew she was right. These past few years she had been there for him, more of a mother figure than his own had ever been. Even now, when he was going through so much pain, a frequent phone call to ask how he was doing or how Makoto was doing was too much to ask for. He didn't exactly blame his parents since he knew they were busy, but their lack of empathy disappointed him a little. Mrs. Tachibana knew this and that was probably the reason she wanted to involve him with everything, why she offered up a spot in her own family for him. "One day you'll join our family for real, but for now, you're an honorary member" she had said in the past and back then he didn't really think twice about those words, but now he understood what she had meant.

Mrs. Tachibana's voice broke him out of his reverie.

"I can handle breakfast on my own, Haru-kun. Can you go help Makoto to put away his gifts?" she asked. This was something she did quite often lately. Although in the past she rejected his offers to help her nine out of ten times, lately she was doing this more often and instead proposed that he went to Makoto, using whatever reason she was able to come up with. It was like she was purposefully trying to create scenes in which Makoto and him were together, because she knew that both Makoto and Haruka felt most at ease around each other and though she might have thought she was being subtle with it, Haruka noticed it either way. Still, he was thankful and he appreciated her thoughtfulness.

So, Haruka did as she had instructed and went back to the living room, helping both the twins and Makoto to carry their stuff to their place of destiny. Makoto had gotten mostly clothes, since a lot of his old clothes didn't fit anymore after his grow spurt last summer and also because he needed a bunch more comfortable clothes now that he was sick and lying in bed for the majority of the day.

Upstairs in his bedroom, Makoto tried on the clothing he received to see if they fit; the price tags were still on it so Mrs. Tachibana could return them if they didn't. Haruka confirmed or denied whether or not the clothing actually fit in his opinion and kept track of two piles, the first for things that fit and that Haruka had taken the price tag off, the second for things that needed to be returned to their respective store. Some shirts were a bit loose on his torso and some pants hung a bit low on his hips - with the recent changes of her son's body, it was probably difficult for Mrs. Tachibana to figure out what the right size would be for him - but it wasn't like they were too big, per se.

"You'll grow into them," was Haruka's initial response to them and immediately after he said it, he realised his slip up.

Makoto had only smiled and tilted his head accompanied by a small, "You're right."

After Makoto had tried everything on and the clothes that fit were thrown into the laundry, they went back downstairs with the clothes that didn't fit and the severed price tags. By then Mrs. Tachibana was serving breakfast and they were right on time to sit down and dig in.

* * *

 

New Year's drew nearer and it was time for some major end-of-the-year cleaning. The floors were polished and the furniture was moved out of the way so every nook and cranny of the house could be thoroughly cleaned. The only exception was Makoto's room, as Makoto was sleeping and he wouldn't be able to if his room was emptied and cleaned. He had woken up that morning feeling more tired than he had since being back at home, which was most likely due to him having been so active and engaging the previous days. So during the time Makoto was washing up, taking a shower, and eating breakfast Mrs. Tachibana cleaned his room and changed his sheets so he could go straight back to bed once he was done and wouldn't be disturbed when he was sleeping.

At first Mrs. Tachibana had tried to stop Haruka from helping them out, claiming that he shouldn't have to clean a mess he didn't make and that he already had to clean his own house, but when Haruka ignored her protests and got to work, she sighed and quietly accepted his stubbornness.

Later that afternoon Haruka was helping the Ran and Ren to clean their room. The furniture was pushed to one side of the room and the twins were scrubbing the floor while Haruka was wiping down their desks. As they worked the twins were altering between singing some popular songs and humming the parts they didn't know the lyrics of. Their voices filled the air, singing a bit out of tune but it still provided for a nice background sound, Haruka supposed. Until one of the voices suddenly stopped and spoke instead, making the other voice cease as well.

"Hey, Haru-chan?" Ran began, stilling her hands and turning her head towards him.

"What?" Haruka questioned, unlike Ran not stopping with his ministrations.

"You really love Onii-chan, don't you?"

That made Haruka stop rubbing as well and he looked down to meet Ran's eyes, surprised by this unexpected inquiry. The question itself was simple enough yet Haruka wasn't entirely sure what she meant with it. Next to that he didn't know how much she knew about what was going on between Makoto and him - to be quite honest _he_ didn't even know what exactly was going on - and he wasn't sure if this was something he wanted to discuss with anyone, let alone his best friend's seven-year-old sister. Still, he knew that if he kept quiet or didn't answer truthfully then she would make a big fuss about it and then it could escalate into something much more troublesome. So Haruka had no choice but to humour her, though he still intended to brush it off a bit.

"Of course. So do you, right?"

"Yes, but it's different," she stated as she resumed her cleaning, now knowing that she had gotten Haruka's attention.

"Why, because you're family?" he shot back as he followed Ran's example and continued wiping the furniture, trying to come off as nonchalant but he was not completely sure if he was succeeding.

"You're family too, Haru-chan," Ren added, indicating that he had been listening while showing no further interest to partake in the conversation, too focused on making sure the floor was becoming as clean as could be.

It warmed his heart to know that he felt that way, it really did, but this was not what Haruka needed right now.

"Yes, you are, Haru-chan, but it's still different," Ran insisted.

"How so?"

"We love Onii-chan because he's Onii-chan," she explained, probably making more sense to herself and Ren than to him, "You love Onii-chan like Mommy loves Daddy."

"What makes you say that?" Haruka asked in a lousy attempt to dodge her statements.

"You were cuddling with Onii-chan just like Mommy and Daddy do sometimes. When I asked Mommy why she does that she said it was because she loves Daddy very much."

"I cuddled with you too when you were sad."

This attempt at dismissal steered the conversation into a whole other direction. "Was Onii-chan sad?" Ran wondered, sounding genuinely concerned.

"No, not really," Haruka sighed, wishing Ran wasn't as inquisitive as she was. Whenever she wanted to know something she wouldn't stop asking questions until she got the answer she was looking for. While Haruka didn't consider this to be a bad trait per se, it could be incredibly tiresome, especially in cases like this when he just didn't feel like giving her the answer she was fishing for.

"Then, why?"

Another sigh left Haruka's mouth. These past few days he had wasted more words than he usually would have in a month, courtesy of the twins. He really didn't feel like spelling everything out to her and would have preferred to just keep cleaning in silence, but he knew that she wouldn't stop pestering him about it if he told her to drop it.

"When you got into a fight at school and feel upset about it, cuddling with your mother or your brother makes you feel better, right?"

"Oh, so you had a fight?"

"No, that's not what I meant." At this point it would probably just be easier to give in to her and tell her that she had been right, so he'd better come up with a valid excuse that would satisfy her soon before he said something he'd regret later. "Cuddling just makes you feel better sometimes. And friends can cuddle too, just like family."

"So I can cuddle with my friends too?"

"If you want to, but only if they want it too."

"I see," she mumbled under her breath, "So you cuddled just because you both wanted to?"

"Hm," Haruka hummed with a nod of his head, hoping that she would finally stop questioning his intentions. And technically, he hadn't even lied to her.

"I want to cuddle with Onii-chan too," Ren suddenly confessed, his voice barely louder than a whisper. This made both Ran and Haruka stop with their cleaning to look at him.

"Do you miss him?" Haruka asked, thankful for the switch of topic he was able to make because of Ren's words.

Ren nodded along with a small hum of his own. "I'm happy that he's home now and I don't want him to go back to the hospital."

"Onii-chan has to go to the hospital otherwise he can't get better!" Ran scolded with a frown at the implication of what her brother had said.

"I know that, and I want him to get better. I just miss him a lot," Ren defended before he added almost inaudibly, "I wish he wasn't sick."

The frown fell from Ran's face to make place for a pout. "I miss him too," she admitted sorrowfully, but then she took a deep breath and said, "But we have to be strong, remember?"

"Yeah…"

The crestfallen looks on the twins' faces made Haruka feel guilty for even if he was grateful for the change in conversation, it hadn't been his intention to make them sad, especially since they had been so cheerful before.

"Maybe you can cuddle with Makoto later," he proposed, "When he's awake and if he feels a bit better after dinner."

"Is that okay?" Ren asked hopefully.

"Won't we have to leave him alone so he can rest?" Ran added.

"That depends on how he's feeling. If it seems like he's feeling better, then you can ask him. I'm sure he won't mind if you're calm and sit still."

"Really?"

"Yeah, but only if he's feeling well. Don't be too disappointed if he can't, though. Then you just have to wait until he does feel better."

"Alright," they said in unison, their faces lighting up with small smiles.

"We better hurry up, then," Haruka suggested, "otherwise we might not be done before dinner."

Those words made the twins quickly continue their scrubbing, bringing a tiny smile to Haruka's own face as he turned away from them and continued to polish their furniture.

Soon enough the conversation with Haruka had been forgotten again as Ren and Ran resumed to sing softly, this time picking the opening theme of an anime that they had talked about before. Haruka just focused on their voices, letting them distract him from any thoughts in particular.

 

The evening came before they knew it and luckily, the vast majority of the house had been cleaned by then so everyone could relax after dinner. Cleaning the entire house was pretty taxing and even the ever-energetic twins were exhausted. This was always a good thing, but especially today. When they had finished their meal Makoto, who felt a bit better after having slept all day, proposed to watch a movie together and this reminded Ran and Ren of the conversation they had with Haruka that afternoon. They asked if they could cuddle with him and Makoto had smiled and said, "Of course."

Unlike usually, it didn't take them long until they had picked a movie and Haruka knew that was because it wasn't the movie itself they were excited about. Makoto invited them to snuggle up against his sides underneath his blanket and they happily did, circling their arms around his waist and resting their heads against his chest. In return Makoto wrapped his arms around their smaller bodies to hold them close.

This time Haruka watched them not with envy, but with serenity. He wasn't the only one who craved Makoto's embrace and he knew that the children had missed their brother immensely. If there was anyone who understood this feeling, it was Haruka and he even got to see Makoto more often than Ran and Ren did. Next to that he knew that Makoto missed his siblings just as much as they missed him and therefore he was probably just as happy at that moment as they were. And if Makoto was happy, then Haruka was, too.

They didn't have much time to enjoy the movie nor being cuddled up together, though, as it didn't take long until Ran and Ren had dozed off and were snoring softly. This brought a fond smile to Makoto's face and Haruka snorted inwardly at the sight. Makoto didn't seem to mind too much and he pressed a kiss to both of their crowns before he focused his attention on the screen again.

But Haruka didn't have much time to be amused either because he fell asleep himself not long after the twins lost consciousness.

* * *

 

At last New Year's Eve had arrived and Haruka was sitting on the couch with Makoto and his parents, spending the last hours of the year watching tv together and eating some mochi. Haruka didn't care much about the popular music show that was playing on the screen, but he couldn't really complain because he did enjoy the warm and cosy atmosphere that always resided inside Makoto's home and that he and his family always provided.

They would enjoy the remainder of this year inside of this living room, but soon after the new year had officially begun they would go out for their first shrine visit. The initial plan had been for the entire family to go as that was tradition, but because of the snowfall and the prospect of people with colds or other types of illnesses being at the shrine as well, they had decided it would be better if Makoto stayed at home. The risk of catching something was too high and the year couldn't possibly start worse than with Makoto getting the flu. Because no one should be alone during a holiday, Makoto's mother would stay with him while his father, siblings and Haruka would go to the shrine. Usually Haruka would have offered to stay with Makoto instead so Mrs. Tachibana could go with her husband and children, but for once he felt the need to go to the shrine as well and therefore he kept his mouth shut.

The twins were taking a nap upstairs because if they stayed up the whole evening then they would be too tired to go to the shrine later. At first they put up a fight like they always did, claiming that they wanted to stay awake the entire night and that they would definitely have enough energy left to go out and about, but they eventually gave in when their mother promised them that she would wake them in time so that they could say goodbye to this year and enter the new one consciously.

But honestly, they were not the only ones who wouldn't be able to stay up the entire evening and night, and it didn't take much more than the comfort of the couch and the safety of his surroundings before Haruka dozed off as well.

 

The sound of Makoto's soft voice calling out to him was what Haruka woke up to. When he opened his eyes he was met with Makoto's gentle green eyes and his sweet smile.

"Haru, it's almost midnight," he whispered, careful not to startle him awake.

Haruka blinked a few times to get rid of the fog before his eyes and he noticed that he was lying beneath a blanket and that his lower legs and feet were resting on top of Makoto's lap, feeling the warm weight of his hands on his ankles. He was positive that he hadn't been lying like this before he fell asleep, which meant that Makoto had maneuvered them in this position so he could share his blanket with him. Again and again he proved that there were no boundaries to his thoughtfulness and considerateness and even gestures as tiny and simple as this reminded Haruka how much he cherished Makoto, how important it was for him to hold onto him. It was funny how something so small could mean so much to Haruka, especially since it was most likely Makoto's natural reaction, but that was exactly why; Makoto was so kind and genuine that he did these things automatically and it made Haruka's chest burn with affection for him and with anger at what he was forced to go through.

He did his best to will the feelings of rage away, for they would only ruin the ambience and it wasn't like thinking about how unfair everything was would change the situation anyway.

He wished he could pull Makoto towards him and bury his face into his chest like he had done a week ago, wrap his arms around his body to hold him close. But he knew that he couldn't, so instead he pushed himself up until he was sitting beside Makoto and though he stayed beneath the blanket, he immediately missed the warmth of his body against his legs and feet.

The warmth soon returned, but against his arm this time as he sat up and lightly leaned into Makoto's side. Makoto gave no sign of protest or discomfort so he allowed himself to remain where he was seated.

"Mom is waking the twins right now," Makoto continued with his adorable smile, "and I thought it'd be better if I woke you up before they'll come downstairs."

"Thanks," Haruka murmured earnestly, his voice still a bit groggy from sleep. If he had to pick between being awoken by Makoto's calm and compassionate whisper or the excited screams of Ran and Ren, then he'd definitely pick the former so Makoto's effort was dearly appreciated once again.

And it was just in time too for less than half a minute later the twins entered the living room, one even more bubbly and lively than the other. Ran began to blabber enthusiastically while Ren just quietly sat down next to his father, raising his hand to his face to cover a yawn he couldn't stifle. Seeing this made Haruka yawn too and Makoto chuckled softly at the sight, and when he realised the reason behind Makoto's chuckles, he blushed a little and turned his face away, flattening his hair against his scalp to keep his hands busy and in an attempt to draw the attention away from himself.

The last minutes of the year ticked by quickly and soon enough the countdown of the last sixty seconds had begun. In the meanwhile Ren had lost every remnant of sleep and was now excitedly bouncing next to his twin as they yelled out the numbers of the passing seconds. At first their mother had wanted to tell them that they should keep it down a bit but when she had looked over to her eldest she was met with him smiling and shaking his head, clearly conveying that he didn't mind them being so loud for once. This was a special occasion after all and if Makoto hadn't been sick, then they would have been allowed to be as noisy as they wanted during the countdown. It wasn't like he was sleeping or even trying to rest right now, therefore he was unbothered by their rowdiness and he actually enjoyed seeing them so carefree and cheerful.

When their countdown reached zero, the twins squealed, "Happy new year!" while their parents shared their first chaste kiss of the year. Makoto just looked over at Haruka with that special smile that was reserved for him alone and Haruka smiled back at him, neither needing any words to understand what the other was thinking.

 

A little while later they were getting ready to go to the shrine and Mr. and Mrs. Tachibana did their best to bundle up their youngest kids, who were practically buzzing with impatience. Just as Haruka was pulling on his own coat, Makoto suddenly told them to wait before leaving as he speeded upstairs. When he came back down he was completely out of breath and panting lightly and Haruka saw what he had grabbed from his room: the brown and green hat and scarf that he had been part of Haruka's Christmas present. When Makoto regained his composure he proceeded to put the hat onto Haruka's head and wrapped the scarf around his neck.

"Makoto!" he objected as he half-heartedly tried to swat Makoto's arms away.

"But it's cold outside!" Makoto insisted, showing no mercy for Haruka's protests.

"I don't need it!"

"What if you get sick?"

Those words made him pause. He knew Makoto had said them out of worry for his well-being, and not his own. But truth of the matter was that if he got sick, he subjected Makoto to the possibility of getting even sicker than he already was. It would be incredibly irresponsible of him to play with Makoto's health like that, and if he did get sick then that meant that he wouldn't be able to be in Makoto's presence and would have to stay away from him until he got better. That was about the last thing he wanted.

All of those reasons made him cease opposing to Makoto's meddlesome nature. Even if Makoto's nagging could be annoying sometimes, he was right most - if not all - of the time. Next to that was Makoto's scolding always well-intended and he did appreciate his concern. He never expected for a day to come where he would appreciate and even enjoy Makoto's nagging, but it had arrived nonetheless.

With a satisfied smirk Makoto pulled the hat even further down Haruka's head so it covered his ears entirely before he tied the scarf around his neck.

"There," he said teasingly, "now you're ready to go."

Haruka pouted and averted his eyes and at that moment Makoto's parents began to laugh at the scene that had played out before their eyes. It was only then that he realised that they were not alone and that Makoto's family was standing in the hallway too, and that made his face flush a bit and therefore he hid it into the scarf. Although it wasn't like he had knitted it for himself to wear nor had he wanted to wear it at first, he had to admit that it was pretty convenient after all.

 

The shrine wasn't too far from Makoto's house and the walk there didn't take very long. Mr. Tachibana was holding Ren's smaller hand in his and Haruka was holding Ran's, in order to prevent them from running off or getting lost in the crowd.

Although there weren't as many people at the shrine as Haruka had expected due to the snow and the cold, there were still a fair share of people who were making small talk or paying their respects to the deity of the shrine. After they washed their hands and rinsed out their mouths, they joined the short queue in front of the altar and waited for their turn to say their prayers. The entire way here the twins had been mindlessly chatting like they always did, but now that they were in the queue they stayed quiet. They were probably too focused on trying to think of what they were going to say in their minds.

It didn't take long until they were at the front of the queue.

"Do you have your coins?" Mr. Tachibana questioned to which the twins nodded in confirmation and got their coins out.

"Can I ring the bell?" Ran asked hopefully.

"Sure."

"No fair," Ren thought, "I want to ring the bell too!"

"You can ring it together, okay?" Mr. Tachibana offered, not wanting his children to make a scene here.

"Okay."

At that moment they threw their five yen coins into the offering box and Ran and Ren rung the bell, after which they all bowed and clapped their hands before praying with their eyes closed.

Usually when they stepped away from the altar to make place for the next person to express their gratitude to the deity, the twins would ask what the others had prayed for. But this year, they both kept their mouths shut and didn't even mention it. Even they knew that for this year, everyone only had one wish and that they had all prayed for the same thing. They didn't need to hear it to know.

In silence and almost automatically they walked over to the small shop of the shrine. They all put another coin into the boxes for the fortune slips and drew their fortune for that year.

"Yes! I got 'great blessing'!" Ren cheered, "Now my prayers have to come true!"

"Ehh, I have 'curse'," Ran whined with a pout.

"Then you better tie it to the tree," Mr. Tachibana advised, "so the bad luck will wait there."

"Yeah…" Ran mumbled, not completely able to conceal her envy of her twin's fortune.

"Daddy, what did you get?"

"'Small blessing,'" he said and he showed his slip to his children.

The twins rambled some more about the specifics of their fortune, asking their father about the words they couldn't read or didn't understand, but Haruka didn't catch any of it as he was too absorbed into the words written on his own slip. He tried his best to read them but for some reason he couldn't get the main fortune out of his head. Half blessing.

"Haru-chan, what do you have?" Ren then asked him, making him cease his attempts to understand his own predictions.

Wordlessly he showed his slip to him after which Ran took the bottom of it so she could read it too. They didn't make any further comment about it, as it was not particularly good or bad.

"Can I tie it to the tree now?" Ran impatiently requested, seeming like she wanted to get rid of her curse as quickly as she could.

"Are we all done reading it?" her father asked, and the twins both exclaimed that they were. Haruka just nodded in confirmation that he was done too.

Once they got to the tree, Haruka and Mr. Tachibana tied their slips to one of the branches before Mr. Tachibana lifted his daughter so she could do the same. Haruka reached out to Ren but he simply shook his head.

"You're not going to tie it?"

Ren shook his head again. "I want to keep it for good luck," he explained.

"Make sure you don't lose it, then," Mr. Tachibana warned with a smile and at that Ren nodded. He folded his slip back up and put it into his coat's pocket, zipping it up so it couldn't fall out. "Are we ready to go home?" Mr. Tachibana then asked to which the twins nodded.

"Wait," Haruka responded, "There's something I want to get first."

"Alright," he simply said, not prying any further.

Haruka led them back to the shop of the shrine and he stopped at the booth in front of the good-luck charms.

"Are you going to buy a charm, Haru-chan?" Ren inquired, trying to see what Haruka was looking at.

"Hm," Haruka answered as he ran his eyes over the various colourful bags. There was a wide variety to choose from, but alas he could not immediately find a charm that was specifically what he was looking for. It wasn't surprising since this was only a shrine in a small town, but he was a little disappointed nonetheless. That meant that he had to settle with something similar, he supposed. "For Makoto," he added in further explanation.

"Oh!" Ran gasped before she turned to her father, "Daddy, can I get a charm for Onii-chan too?"

"Me too!" Ren cut in, not wanting to be left out and be the only one without a present for his brother.

A soft smile stretched Mr. Tachibana's lips. "Of course. Why don't you both pick a nice one to give to Onii-chan?"

"Yes!" the twins cheered, "Thank you, Dad!" and they joined Haruka in the quest to find the perfect charm for Makoto, standing on their tippy toes to see everything better.

There were many charms that simply didn't apply to Makoto, for even if Haruka was sure that Makoto would appreciate the thought anyway, that was not the point of giving him a charm. It had to be useful and although he would like for Makoto to have academic success too, that was not what he was trying to express nor was it the thing that he wished for him to have. Giving him a charm for romance and love was not exactly the way he had in mind when it came to confessing his feelings to Makoto, and the very last thing Makoto needed was safe childbirth. What he wanted was a charm that would give him strength: mental, emotional, physical strength. Unfortunately, no such charm was available at this shrine.

"What about this one?" Ren proposed as he pointed at a charm, "It's for good health!"

"Well," Mr. Tachibana started, "the good health charms are usually meant to prevent you from getting sick and to keep you healthy. I'm not sure if they would work for Onii-chan since he's already sick," he informed and he raised his hand to tip his glasses a little further down his nose so he could read the characters better. Then he pointed at another one. "This one would be better; it's one to get well soon."

"That one's perfect!" Ren exclaimed, "Can I give that one to Onii-chan?"

"Well," his father echoed, "Maybe Haru-kun wanted to give that one to Onii-chan. It was his idea after all."

"Haru-chan?" Ren looked up at him with large, questioning eyes.

Although it would most likely be the closest charm to the one he had in mind, it was admittedly not the charm he had initially been looking for. Since Ren - or his father, technically - had seen it first, it would only be fair to let him give it to Makoto. He would have to look for another one to convey his feelings and prayers for the new year. "It's okay, you can give that one."

"Are you sure?" the little boy asked, probably intending it to be a question of assurance but he couldn't help the excitement that slipped into his voice.

"Yeah."

"Yay! Thanks, Haru-chan!"

For a second Haruka shot him a small smile but then he turned his attention back to the charms.

"Can I give this one?" Ran gestured to a charm for good fortune.

"Sure," Mr. Tachibana affirmed, "He can always use a little luck, right?"

"Right?" Ran repeated cheerfully, vigorously nodding her head.

"Then, all that's left is Haru-kun."

"Haru-chan?" the twins spoke simultaneously.

Haruka hadn't fully registered their words for his eye had fallen on one charm in particular. A charm to ward off evil. The instant he read those words, he was reminded of the story he had told the twins. Although leukemia was probably not the specific type of evil that they were created for, Haruka supposed that evil was open to interpretation. It was the first thing that came to his mind when he read the characters and he believed that if he saw it that way, then Makoto would understand what he meant with it too. Finally, he knew he had made his choice.

With all the charms selected, Mr. Tachibana paid for the ones of the twins while Haruka paid for his own; Mr. Tachibana's offer to pay for Haruka's one as well was politely declined. Not only because he generally felt that Mr. Tachibana shouldn't have to pay for his stuff especially after he had been practically living with them for these past few weeks, but also because for some reason, it felt like it was less genuine if Makoto's father paid for it instead of Haruka himself. He was going to give this to Makoto straight from his heart, and he wanted to fully feel like he was, too.

At last all of their business at the shrine had been finished and they started to head back home. But they hadn't as much as left the street before Ran already began to whine.

"Dad, I'm tired. Carry me."

Knowing that it was late for seven-year-olds despite the naps they had taken earlier, Mr. Tachibana complied and put his hands under his daughter's armpits and lifted her up.

"No fair," Ren protested for the second time that night, "I want to be carried too!"

Mr. Tachibana was seemingly torn. He wanted to spoil his children and fulfill both of their requests but he couldn't carry them both at the same time. Still, he didn't want to let his daughter down after he had just agreed to something, but Ren did have a point. Haruka understood this and offered the only solution possible in a situation like this.

"Here," he said as he crouched in front of Ren, inviting him for a piggyback ride.

"Yay!" Ren cheered again and he wrapped his arms around Haruka's neck, holding onto him as Haruka stood back up.

A look of gratitude flashed through Mr. Tachibana's brown eyes and Haruka nodded in acknowledgement before they continued their way home. It didn't take long until the twins fell asleep in the arms of their father and Haruka, and the remainder of the walk was spent in comfortable silence, neither of them needing any words to fill up the emptiness of the night.

 

Once they got back home, Mrs. Tachibana was waiting for them on the couch, drinking some tea as she had been watching tv to pass time. She informed them that Makoto had gone to bed a little while before they arrived and Ran and Ren - who had been woken up so that they could go brush their teeth - were a bit disappointed because they had wanted to give their charms to him immediately and now they were told that it had to wait until the morning.

They didn't have much time to be disappointed though, because it was late and they had to go back to bed. Since they hadn't been able to spend much time together lately, Haruka offered to put the twins to bed so Mr. and Mrs. Tachibana could be alone for a moment before they went to bed too. This offer was gratefully accepted and the twins both kissed their mother and father goodnight before they went upstairs with Haruka, not even having enough energy left to put on a fight.

Upstairs Haruka helped them change into their pajamas and he changed into his as well, after which they went to the bathroom to brush their teeth. When they were all done in the bathroom they went back to the twins' room. It didn't take much more than a mattress beneath their bodies for Ren and Ran to fall asleep again, and Haruka couldn't help the amused smile that appeared on his face when he heard their light snoring. He tucked them in and ran a hand through their hair nonetheless.

Although he was quite tired himself, he didn't lie down onto his futon just yet. Instead, he grabbed the jeans he had taken off before and took the charm out of its pocket. Even though Makoto was asleep already, he still felt the need to give it to him immediately; he would put it beside his pillow so Makoto would find it when he woke up. That way, he was sure that Makoto would receive his first and he was convinced that he would know that it was Haruka who had given it to him. Even if he would have to miss out on his reaction, he also didn't have to deal with the awkwardness of not knowing what to say in response to Makoto's words and that beautiful smile that would surely paint his face.

With a nod to himself like he had made up his mind, he held the charm tightly in his left hand while he grabbed Makoto's hat and scarf with his right. If he was going anyway, then he might as well return the accessories at once.

When he was standing in front of Makoto's room, he could see a bit of light coming from underneath his door, the only light in the dark hallway. Wondering if Makoto had fallen asleep with his lamp still on, he slowly opened the door. Instead of lying in his bed like Haruka had been expecting, Makoto was standing in the middle of his room. Before Haruka could ask what he was doing, Makoto smiled at him and beckoned him inside.

"Haru," he said with a gentle smile, "I was waiting for you."

A frown settled on Haruka's face and he unconsciously clenched his hand around the charm. "How did you know I was going to come?"

Makoto merely shrugged. "I just had the feeling you would." ' _Because I know you_ ,' was what Haruka read in those gorgeous eyes of his. He walked over to his closet and rummaged a bit through it before he turned back to Haruka, remembering that he hadn't told him why he was waiting. "I was wondering if you'd like to watch the first sunrise with me."

Warmth spread throughout Haruka's chest at that question. "Are you sure?" Haruka asked despite wanting to. "It's going to be a while until dawn." Not only was it still cold outside, it would probably be best for Makoto to just go to sleep since it was literally the middle of the night.

Hearing the concern that was hidden inside Haruka's words, Makoto's smile softened and he nodded. "If you're not too tired, that is," he added, knowing that Haruka was an early bird and would otherwise not be awake at this time.

"I'm not," Haruka replied earnestly. He had been tired before, but it was as if seeing Makoto's angelic smile had recharged his energy entirely. Sleep could wait for later, right now there was not a fiber in his being that did not want to spend a meaningful moment alone with Makoto. There was no way he was letting this opportunity slip away from him because he had to hold on to these moments. They were his light in the darkness, the lifeline that prevented him from disappearing in the abyss, the air that filled his lungs while he was drowning. Without them, he would be done for.

"Good." Makoto simply smiled again before he turned back to the closet, taking out two blankets and throwing them on top of his bed. Then he pulled a sweater and a warm jacket from their coathangers and handed the jacket to Haruka, who accepted it wordlessly after dropping the scarf and hat onto the blankets and he put it on.

While Makoto was pulling the sweater over his own head, Haruka took the second his head was covered to put the charm inside the jacket's pocket, not having to worry about holding onto it anymore.

"What if I hadn't come?" Haruka suddenly asked, wondering if Makoto had noticed all of those times he had watched over him while he slept.

Makoto just smiled and shrugged once more. "But you did."

Snorting and rolling his eyes at Makoto's simple answer, Haruka decided to just drop it. It wasn't like Makoto was going to give him a better reasoning behind his own thought process since he most likely didn't even know himself. Besides, it didn't really matter; all that mattered was that he was here and he was glad for he wouldn't want to miss out on seeing the first sunrise of the year together with Makoto.

When Haruka opened the curtain to Makoto's balcony, he saw through the glass that the snow had been cleared off the wooden platform and the railing. Makoto had planned this, and that made him smile fondly, the warmth inside his chest increasing and spreading to his stomach.

"Wait, Haru," Makoto called and when he turned around with a questioning look, Makoto held out the hat and scarf to him again. Knowing that he wouldn't win the argument even if he tried, Haruka wrapped the scarf around his neck again and put the hat back on. Makoto put the orange ones on himself.

Then Haruka unlatched the door and slid it open, after which Makoto gave him the thinner blanket of the two. Not needing any words to know what Makoto meant, Haruka put it down onto the floor of his small balcony before he stepped outside. With the other blanket in hand Makoto joined Haruka on the balcony and closed the door behind them. He reached out the corner of the blanket to Haruka who took it and wrapped it around his shoulder. They sat down at the same time, cuddled close together with the blanket covering them and shielding them from the coldness of the outside world, their thighs lightly pressing against each other.

The dark blue sky was clear that night, illuminated by millions of stars in the distance. The moon was not completely full yet, but the majority of it was lit up and stood out brightly against the atmosphere that surrounded it. It was truly a magical sight.

"The sky is so beautiful tonight. All the stars," Makoto whispered, his pleasant voice a nice addition to the air of tranquility that cocooned them, "and the moon."

Haruka turned his head to look at Makoto. He was staring into the vast sky and the moonlight softly grazed over his profile, caressing his handsome features and at that moment Makoto looked even more ethereal and angelic than he normally did. When he felt Haruka's eyes on him, he looked back at him and he smiled that special smile again, his gentle green eyes squeezing half-shut in fondness.

For a while it was quiet, a comfortable silence settling between them as they gazed at the stars. But soon, Haruka felt the charm burning in his pocket, like it was trying to remind him that he had not given it to Makoto yet. Haruka was a little unsure, lacking a bit of courage and wanting to wait for the perfect moment to give it to Makoto. But then he realised that with Makoto, he always had the courage and not a better moment could have presented itself. So he reached into his pocket and took it out, stroking over the fabric with his thumb.

"Makoto," he murmured and Makoto's eyes found his in a questioning glance. "Here."

"Haru," Makoto said in that same tone he always did when he was surprised as he looked at the charm inside Haruka's hand. "You're really spoiling me lately, aren't you?" he giggled lightly before he reached out to accept the gift and he held it against his chest. "Thank you, Haru-chan."

There was nothing but genuine gratitude and sincerity in Makoto's voice and the smile that adorned his lips was a thankful one. Everything about this moment was so heartfelt and pure that Haruka even forgot to tell him to lay off the '-chan'. Their eye-contact remained and the air around them was charged with a certain type of intimacy that Haruka couldn't really explain. But he didn't need to, because he was with Makoto and everything was always so natural and familiar with him. So Haruka did what felt right at that moment, and he scooted even closer to Makoto, leaned in and placed his head on Makoto's shoulder, breathing in his comforting scent.

Makoto's smile softened even further and he put the charm down in his lap and wrapped his arm around Haruka's shoulder to hold him close, gently resting his head against Haruka's.

Although they were merely a fleck in the endlessness of time and space, at that moment it truly felt like they were the only two people in the entire universe.

They sat there and watched how the sky slowly changed as the world turned, time passing without their awareness for it might as well stand still. The wind was cold but they felt nothing but the warmth of each other's body and the blanket that secluded their little bubble of safety, protecting them from harm even if only for now.

At last the heavens were turning a soft orange, intermingling and contrasting against the varying shades of blue. The ocean was sparkling with the yellow light that was cast upon it, and the sun was shyly peeking above the horizon, greeting them with the first day of the new year.

"Happy new year, Makoto."

"Happy new year, Haru."

Those soft whispers were all that was said, and it was enough. As the morning sun shone upon them, Haruka felt like this year, everything would be different. Unlike the last one, this year was going to be a good year, one that was filled not with angst, grief and uncertainty, but with hope, happiness and love.

This year, everything would be alright. Haruka was sure of it.

* * *

 

On the third of January, Haruka went back to his own house. Tomorrow Makoto would go back to the hospital and he himself had to go back to school for the last term of his first year. Although he had been invited to stay for as long as he wanted at Makoto's home, Haruka knew that it would be better to go back today rather than prolong his stay, not only so that he would get used to being by himself again, but also because he hadn't cleaned his house at the end of last year like he usually would.

So he would use this remaining day to give it a major cleaning and though it was a lot of work for him alone, he didn't really mind. It was good for distracting him from the emptiness of his house. Even if he had never minded living alone before because he generally wasn't bothered by solitude, he had to admit that the walls surrounding him felt much colder now than they ever had before. It couldn't be helped, he supposed, for there just wasn't as much liveliness and warmth inside his house as in Makoto's. It was the truth, but it made his chest hurt a little and he did his best to will these thoughts away, for the last thing he could use right now was to get carried away by his emotions.

In silence he got to work, trying to focus his attention solely on the tasks at hand so he wouldn't have to feel anything in particular.

About half an hour after he started the silence was broken by the sound of his doorbell. It startled him, because he wasn't expecting anyone and there was only one guest that would ever arrive unannounced and Haruka was completely sure that it wasn't him.

And it wasn't. When Haruka slid the door open he was met not with Makoto, but with Makoto's mother. He was surprised to see her; he knew she was going to the shrine today for her first visit of the year but he hadn't expected her to stop by.

She saw the confusion on Haruka's face and she explained that since he had helped them clean their house, it would only be fair that she helped him with cleaning his house as well. Haruka tried to decline her offer like she always declined his, but he was not the only one who was stubborn and Mrs. Tachibana invited herself inside and simply got to work. Though Haruka really thought it wasn't necessary for her to help him, he still appreciated her thought and concern dearly.

Suddenly, the walls around him felt that much warmer.

 

The next day Makoto returned to the hospital. Since there weren't that many patients in the department, Makoto was lucky enough to get his old, familiar room back: room number 12. The drawings that the twins and Haruka had made for his birthday were put back in place on the wall across from the bed. The charms that Makoto had gotten during New Year's were kept inside the drawer of his bedside table so he would always have them near, within reach so that they could bestow their fortune upon him. Everything went back to normal and the fact that this was what they considered to be normal nowadays was sad enough on its own.

Although the scarves Haruka, Ran and Ren had made for Makoto weren't utilised much since he was practically always inside, the knitted hats were actually worn a lot by Makoto. Not only because it could get pretty cold inside the ward and Makoto's room, but Haruka figured he also liked them because they made him feel less bare and naked; they covered up his baldness. Haruka was glad that his gift had actually meant something to Makoto, that it had been able to give him some comfort because the gloves that Makoto had given him had done just that; Haruka wore them every day and everywhere he went.

Days passed and although it took a bit of adjustment and getting used to at first, they all gradually fell back into the same flow and pace they had been in before; in the mornings Makoto's mother would stay with Makoto, after school Haruka would stop by with Makoto's homework and keep him company, and most evenings Mr. Tachibana would visit, sometimes with his wife and the twins.

The only change was the way Makoto felt. Since his last cycle of chemotherapy hadn't delivered the desired effect, for this cycle he would receive a higher and more intense dose. Compared to the fatigue and nausea that he was experiencing now, the side effects during the first cycle were practically nothing more than a headache. Good days turned into bad days, and bad ones turned worse. If Haruka thought that he looked like he was dying before, then he definitely seemed to be terminal now. But he wasn't. Even though the first cycle of chemo had failed and only made things worse, the doctors hadn't given up on Makoto just yet; Makoto was a strong, young man who was determined to get better and was positive despite all of his misery and hardships. If there was anyone who could get through this, it would be him.

That didn't mean that seeing Makoto go through a living hell didn't hurt Haruka. Regardless of what the doctors said, it was clear that Makoto was suffering immensely and Haruka almost couldn't take it. He wanted to take all of it away but he couldn't. Makoto had to go through this, he had to endure it all or else he would die and even though that had been reality for these past couple of months, Haruka still couldn't comprehend it. He couldn't imagine what his life would be like without Makoto and he didn't want to, yet that didn't stop his chest from burning with grief and panic whenever he thought about it.

On one particularly rough day for Makoto it was storming heavily outside and Haruka was walking back home from the hospital. It would have been much quicker to take the train back, especially considering the heavy rainfall, but he was crying harshly after he had seen how difficult it was for Makoto to keep up with fighting. To see the person he loved most having such a hard time was absolutely soul-crushing, and all of it would be bearable if they knew for sure that fighting this battle would be worthwhile. But they didn't, and that uncertainty was the scariest thing they had ever experienced. Even though he was out in public, Haruka allowed himself to cry, his tears intermingling with the rain and his soft sobs were drowned out by the thunder. He barely even noticed the harsh weather for the storm inside his heart was far greater.

If only he hadn't done that. When he woke up the next day he had an enormous headache and his nose was clogged up and he knew he had caught a cold. Immediately he cursed himself; not only did he feel like shit and would he be unable to go to school so Makoto would miss valuable information, this also meant that he could not visit Makoto or his family for the time being. He was so incredibly stupid. After all this time of doing his best to avoid getting sick he ruined it in one emotionally unstable afternoon. Now, if something terrible happened to Makoto and his illness took a turn for the worse he wouldn't even be there to support him, or in the worst case possible, say goodbye to him.

He did his best to shake the depressing thoughts away and rid his mind from them, but it was tough. For three days he had to stay home from school and in total he didn't go to the hospital for about a week and a half. During that time he missed Makoto so much but he didn't let those feelings persuade him, he wouldn't go for as long as there were still traces of the virus lingering in his body, until he was sure every risk of infecting Makoto was gone. Better safe than sorry.

It was also during this time that the nightmares returned. One dream differed from another, but they all ended up the same way and were all terrifyingly vivid. In his dreams he would go to visit Makoto at the hospital to see his bed surrounded by doctors trying their best to make Makoto's heart start beating again or Makoto's body would already be inside a body bag. He would go to school to find a flower vase standing on top of Makoto's desk, which would make him angry and he would smack it off the desk with a cry of " _he isn't dead yet!_ " only to be told that Makoto had actually passed away already. Regardless of what happened in the nightmare of that particular night, it always resulted in him waking up sweaty and in tears, completely panicked and distressed because for a moment it had felt as though the dream had been real. He never had many nightmares as a child but ever since his biggest fear had become reality he was a lot more prone to nightly terrors produced by his own imagination. But no matter what he tried, he couldn't stop them and he was almost afraid to go to sleep because he wasn't sure how much more he could take before it broke him beyond repair.

While Haruka was unable to visit him due to being sick himself, Makoto was just as sweet as he always had been. Even though Makoto definitely felt much, much worse than Haruka did, he still took the time to ask him how he was doing and worry about him just like he normally did when Haruka caught a cold, although it was via messages now. Haruka obviously didn't tell him about the nightmares, but he was so touched that Makoto still thought about him despite feeling absolutely miserable himself and the contact with him was pretty much the only thing that kept him going during that time.

When Haruka was finally able to go back to the hospital, he was pleasantly surprised and incredibly relieved to see that Makoto was doing way better than he had two weeks ago; he had received different types of medication to suppress the side effects he was experiencing and they had worked quite well. They were not completely gone, but they had been reduced to a point where they were much more tolerable and he no longer slept for the better part of the day nor barfed up every single bite of food he ate. For the time being, it calmed Haruka's troubled and frightened heart.

After that everything felt much easier. The end of the school year was drawing nearer and Makoto was resolved to pass this year. Not only because he didn't want his illness to cause him to get behind and delay his education and therefore future, but also because Haruka would surely pass this year and it would be a lot harder for them to study together and for Makoto to receive his schoolwork in general if they were in different years. So from then on they spent many afternoons studying together, helping each other out with subjects the other wasn't as good in or if they didn't understand something, and cursing about English together which they were both bad at. It was fun, not so much because they actually enjoyed the homework but moreso because it felt normal. If Makoto wasn't sick they would be studying together like this all the same, so in those hours spent with each other it was easy to forget everything even if only for a brief while. And somehow, solving all the questions and problems together made Haruka feel like they could solve this situation as well as long as they had each other.

On the 23rd of February, Ran and Ren turned eight years old. It was a bittersweet occasion, for the twins were always excited about their birthday and all the presents, the cake, and the attention they would get, but this would be their first birthday party without their brother. They still went to visit him on their birthday and they were very glad about that, but the party simply wasn't the same without him. As a small form of comfort Haruka gave them both a plushie similar to the one that he had given Makoto on his birthday, Ran a stuffed seal and Ren a stuffed shark, which were a little smaller than Makoto's orca. He remembered how much they loved that orca plushie and that they had been a little envious of their brother, so it seemed like the perfect gift Haruka could give to them on their birthday. And he had been right.

Next to that, Haruka lent their parents a hand during the party wherever he could, doing the things that Makoto normally would have done and he tried his best to cheer the twins up. He obviously couldn't fill in the void that Makoto had left behind and he wasn't trying to either, it was just that he felt obligated to give back to Makoto's family after all they had done for him. And if Makoto hadn't been sick, then Haruka would have been at the party all the same, so the least he could do was help out where he could.

Ren and Ran still had a lot of fun with all their friends and family members, but anyone who stepped into the room could feel that the air was different than it usually was at a Tachibana birthday party. The fact that Makoto's illness was one of the main topics of discussion was a large contribution factor to the dampened mood and his absence probably played a role as well.

Haruka could only imagine how Makoto must have felt, alone in his hospital room while he knew his family and best friend were at home celebrating. He would never say anything about it, but Haruka was sure that it must have felt awful. In turn, it made Haruka feel guilty for being at the party while Makoto was all by himself, but he couldn't split himself in two parts and be at both places at the same time and unfortunately, a party with dozens of people just would have been too much for Makoto to handle so it wasn't like he could come home for the day either.

While they had almost gotten used to the new situation of Makoto not being there during their daily lives anymore, it was occasions like these that reminded them once more of the difficult time they were all going through and the thought of Makoto's absence becoming permanent was truly horrific. For now, all they could do was hope that on the twins' ninth birthday, everything would be back to how it was before and Makoto would be there to celebrate it with them.

There was not much time left before finals and because Makoto still struggled with some things that Haruka just wasn't educated enough on to teach or he simply didn't understand it himself, Makoto's parents were able to arrange for a teacher to come to the hospital and tutor Makoto so he would be able to keep up with the material and eventually he would be able to do his finals at the hospital too. Luckily the school was compliant for it was not standard nor commonly accepted for a student to make their tests outside of the school setting, but they gladly made an exception for Makoto since he had always been a serious and driven student and most likely because his illness was also much more serious and dangerous than the ones other students had when they were sick during finals. The only downside to this was that Haruka couldn't visit while Makoto was taking his tests, but eventually Makoto passed them all and the time spent apart was all worth it.

By the time the school year was over and spring break arrived, Makoto's cycle of chemotherapy had ended as well and he was able to go home again until the next cycle would start around the beginning of April. Unfortunately, the cancer was aggressive and there still hadn't been any improvement, but the chemo had prevented the leukemia from spreading and it luckily hadn't gotten any worse either. The doctors were setting their hopes on the next cycle and if there was still no improvement then they were going to reconsider his treatment and look for an alternative.

Makoto did his best to keep his spirit up, but Haruka could see right through his mask of optimism; in reality he was scared and nearing desperation. He simply couldn't understand why it wasn't working when the success rate of this treatment was so high. But there were always people who had to be the part of the percentage for which it didn't work out, and while that usually were adults in the case of acute lymphocytic leukemia, that didn't mean that it was guaranteed to work for every child and teenager. This fact didn't anger Makoto though, it only made him sad.

Haruka wanted to do everything in his might to cheer him up, even if he himself was feeling just as sad as Makoto was. This time Makoto had been open and honest with him throughout the entirety of him being at the hospital so it wasn't unexpected but it still frightened him to his very core. But Haruka did his very best to turn his pessimism around, for the train of thought that was filled with what-ifs would surely kill him if it crashed. He had to believe that the next cycle would rid Makoto's body of the cancer. It was only natural that after it getting worse after the first cycle, standing still after the second cycle, it would get better after the third cycle. Third time's a charm.

Unlike the last time Makoto was back home, it hadn't been Haruka's intention to stay over the entire time. But he had always seen Makoto every single day and that didn't change now, and even if he didn't sleep over at first, eventually he was staying so late each day that Mrs. Tachibana told him to just stay. It still felt like he was intruding if he wasn't outright invited, but she assured him that he was always welcome in their home.

For the short period that he was in his own familiar environment again, everyone tried their best to make Makoto forget about his cancer for as much as that was possible. Although he still couldn't do everything he could do before as he was still very sick, they wanted him to have fun in the ways he still could.

Many nights were spent playing games and watching movies, sometimes with the twins, other times just by themselves - Haruka got the impression that Mrs. Tachibana purposefully called the twins away every other night, not only so that she and her husband could spend some time with them, but mainly so that Makoto and Haruka could be alone for a little while. This along with countless other things told Haruka that Mrs. Tachibana knew that they shared a bond that was beyond regular friendships and that slowly but surely, their relationship was changing, or rather, progressing. Strangely enough, for the time being Haruka didn't want to speed things up. Although he felt like he had to hold onto and cherish every waking moment that they spent together, what he truly wanted was just to go with the flow and let everything happen naturally, without any rush. For now, he simply wanted to enjoy himself together with Makoto in a way that was familiar and comfortable and safe, and when the time came they would naturally take the next step.

Then again, he always fell asleep at some point during a movie and would eventually lean against Makoto in his sleep, which he may or may not have done purposely. While Makoto pretended that he didn't know that Haruka was feigning sleep, Haruka pretended that he didn't notice Makoto's fingers running through his hair and caressing his skin.

* * *

 

Spring came and the cherry blossoms were in full bloom. The third cycle of Makoto's chemotherapy started the day of the entrance ceremony and Haruka had skipped it in favour of going to the hospital. The first couple of days of receiving chemo again after his body had rested up for two weeks were always the most draining and Haruka wanted to be there for him and support him through it. It wasn't like the first day of school was important anyway.

Makoto felt differently, though.

"Haru, you promised me you'd go to school even if I'm not there!"

"I know," Haruka grumbled at his lecture, "It's just the entrance ceremony; it's not like class has already started."

"But still, you-"

"I wouldn't have gone even if you were there. It's just a waste of time."

That comment was so typically-Haruka that Makoto couldn't help but snort and fondly shake his head.

"I'll go tomorrow," Haruka mumbled almost inaudibly and at that Makoto actually giggled softly.

"Thanks," Makoto beamed, and although he had been laughing before, Haruka knew that he really meant it. Part of the reason why he was going in the first place was for Makoto, so he could get all the information that they needed and convey it to Makoto along with his homework and assignments. Makoto knew this and usually he would have felt guilty to know that someone was going out of their way for him, but in this case he didn't, because he knew that ultimately Haruka was doing what was best for himself as well and it just happened to be beneficial to Makoto, too. The school had made sure that Makoto and Haruka would remain in the same class so it would be easy for Haruka to keep Makoto updated on his schoolwork.

Hours passed and they simply talked, about everything and anything inside of room number 12, that had become much too familiar. This hospital room was basically Makoto's temporary home and the fact that Haruka was also starting to feel at home here after the months they had spent in this room was horrible if he really thought about it, because he shouldn't feel at home inside the ward of children's oncology. He never should have been here in the first place. But it wasn't odd either, because the truth was that Makoto was sick and anywhere Makoto was, Haruka felt at home.

Eventually Haruka had to leave for the day and they were saying their goodbyes like they usually did.

"Have fun at school tomorrow," Makoto suddenly said with a small smile and Haruka snorted and sceptically raised his eyebrow. "What? I mean it!"

"I know," Haruka assured him, despite his words coming out of nowhere. If there was a place where Haruka definitely wouldn't have fun, it was at school and Makoto knew that he dreaded it much more than he looked forward to it, but Makoto's wish had been sincere nonetheless. "I'll try."

Makoto laughed lightly at the heavy emphasis Haruka put on the last word, before his smile softened. "Thanks for coming, Haru."

A tiny smile slipped onto Haruka's face as well and he nodded in acknowledgement to Makoto's gratitude along with the promise of returning tomorrow before he left his home to go back to his house.

 

The next morning everything was hard. Haruka always had to drag himself out of bed and to the bathtub on school days, but somehow it was much more difficult at the start of a new year. Especially now he felt like there was something weighing down on him, something that held him back and made him feel hesitant. Perhaps that was because it was spring.

In autumn and winter, everything turned a bit darker. They were cold, not only in temperature but in general ambience as well. The carefree summer had ended and had taken its warmth with it, leaving behind grief and depression and that was all acceptable. When spring arrived, everything reawakened; the flowers were in bloom and it was getting warm again. Spring was filled with hope and light, it signalled a new beginning, a new chapter. But not for Haruka. While the world filled with joy and liveliness, Haruka was forced to stay on the same, melancholic page he had been reading for about half a year already. While sadness was left behind in the past, Haruka feelings of sorrow and desperation lingered. There could be no start, no beginning of something new without Makoto by his side. Until Makoto was healthy and happy again, no new day would arrive for Haruka.

As he was sitting in the bathtub, trying to get some comfort out of the water, he was reminded of something his late grandmother would always say to him. _"When you're ten, they call you a prodigy. When you're fifteen, they call you a genius. Once you hit twenty, you're just an ordinary person."_ He remembered his desire to grow up quickly so he could finally be ordinary, but all he wanted now was for Makoto to get the opportunity to become an ordinary person alongside him.

This would usually have been around the time that Makoto would pull him out of the tub with his "Goodmorning, Haru-chan" but no matter how long Haruka sat around to wait for it, he knew he wouldn't come. Although he hadn't come for six months already, it somehow stung a lot more now. Maybe it was because it was a new school year and Makoto was always able to give him the energy, the final push that he needed to actually get on with his life. Haruka never wanted to leave the tub but the only things that always persuaded him easily were Makoto's kind smile, his gentle green eyes, and his warm outstretched hand, pulling him up and along. And on this particular morning, he had no strength in his being to push himself up.

Still, a promise was a promise and Makoto would be disappointed in him if he stayed at home today as well. It took a lot of effort and he was a little later than usual, but eventually he was able to lift himself out of the water.

Since Makoto's absence was hurting him more than it did normally, Haruka allowed himself to grill some mackerel and eat some toast before he left despite already running late. At that moment, he even missed Makoto's nagging. He tried his best to not think about Makoto too much, for it was only making him sadder and his mind was wandering off, which was not something he could use while grilling his fish. He wouldn't want to burn and waste a perfectly good mackerel because of his own sentimental thoughts.

Haruka left his house when he was done eating, but before he opened the door, he put on the gloves Makoto had given him. It was fairly warm outside and he definitely didn't need any gloves but he wore them anyway. It was the closest thing to having Makoto by his side and he could pretend that the warmth enveloping his skin was Makoto's warmth, like Makoto was holding his hand like he had done so many times before.

The sea breeze blew through his hair as he walked past the beach. His ears should have been filled with Makoto's meaningless chattering, but all he heard were the sounds of the wind, the seagulls crying in the distance and the waves lapping on the shore. Soon enough the ocean would be warm enough to swim in and that was something Haruka had always half-heartedly looked forward to in the past, but he didn't care for it now. It wasn't like he would have the time to swim anyway, and Makoto's absence would be too much. Even though Makoto was still scared of the ocean, he'd always keep him company at the beach and wrap a towel around him when he came back to him. Without that, it just wasn't worth it.

Almost automatically, Haruka went to his classroom and sat down in his assigned seat, the one in the far back next to the window. Window seats were truly a double-edged sword to Haruka; he always enjoyed staring outside much more than paying attention, but since he was taking notes for two it would be unfavourable for him to lose himself in the vast blue sky or the horizon.

His homeroom teacher was new at Iwatobi High School, Haruka had never seen her before. She began to call the names of the students who would then respond to affirm their attendance. Eventually his name was next and it went precisely like he had expected.

"Nanase Haruka-san."

His classmates giggled at the teacher's slip up. This would be the moment Makoto would lift his hand and say "Sensei, Haru is a boy." But Makoto wasn't here and Haruka was unable to say it himself; he could hear Makoto's voice in his head muttering those exact words but they didn't sound out in reality. It was quiet for a second before a feminine voice spoke up.

"Sensei, Nanase-kun is a boy," said the girl who Haruka remembered to be the class president during their first year.

The teacher apologised and blabbered on, but Haruka honestly wasn't listening anymore because his mind had inevitably wandered off again and in his head he was not in this classroom, but in his most treasured memories.

When lunchtime arrived Haruka had already had more than enough of school for the rest of the year. Everything was just empty without him, not just the seat next to his or the space beside him, but his chest as well. It was difficult and draining and Haruka wasn't sure if he could keep going like this for much longer. He didn't really understand it, the situation had been like this for months now, why was it that it suddenly hit him so hard like this?

To that question he didn't find an answer. Maybe it was because he had been spending so much time with him like he normally would have these past two weeks or maybe it was because he began to miss Makoto more the longer this continued and the feelings of longing were only growing stronger. He really didn't know, and thinking about it gave him a headache and filled him with despair.

It would be better if he just focused on the day at hand instead of deciphering the mystery that was his own feelings. The majority of the school day had passed and he could get through the last remaining hours as well and after that he would be able to rest and recharge.

Then he remembered that he had once more forgotten to make himself lunch in his absent-mindedness and he got up from his seat and left the classroom. He was deciding whether he should go buy something or if he should just go to the roof to get some fresh air. While he was still making up his mind he walked into the stairwell and contemplated whether he should go down or up.

This wouldn't even be much of a problem if everything was still the same as it was last year. When he forgot his lunch in the past then Makoto would offer him part of his own lunch, always willing to share with him. Even if Makoto didn't have mackerel in his bento, whatever he had that day would taste so much better because it would be served with a smile.

"Haru-chan!"

The sudden call of that name pulled him out of his reminiscence. There were only a select few people who called him "Haru-chan" and it couldn't be any of them. He looked over where the sound had come from and he was greeted with a mop of blond hair, large magenta eyes, a wide grin and a hand that was excitedly waving at him. He couldn't believe his eyes.

At the bottom of the stairs stood Hazuki Nagisa.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading and I hope you enjoyed!
> 
> From this point on we're catching up with the Free! timeline and the rest of the characters will enter and I just wanted to say that they are going to act and respond differently than they did in the series because of the change in circumstances. It's kind of obvious, but I wanted to mention it nonetheless.
> 
> If there was anything you didn't understand in this chapter, then please don't hesitate to ask!
> 
> You can find me on Tumblr and Twitter @DatHeetJoella, feel free to come talk with me about MakoHaru!
> 
> Thank you so much for continuing to support this fic after almost two years and I hope that you'll continue to support me in the future, for this fic is definitely going to continue.
> 
> I hope you'll have a wonderful day and until next time!


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